My suffering has been never ending for over twelve years. I am 18 years old and about to finish high school. I don’t know if I will reach that finish line, as I am stumbling hard. I won’t go into my whole backstory, but I will mention some of it.
I’ve suffered extreme bullying for my whole school life. When I finally got into high school, I thought it would change…I thought it would be different. How wrong I was.
The bullying started up again very quickly, but none of the teachers ever gave a shit. Recently, that bullying has turned into sexual harassment, and nothing is being done!
I feel as if I don’t belong anywhere. I’m told all the time how I don’t fit in, how I’m weird, how I don’t belong anywhere. I know that I don’t.
The only place I feel happy is playing video games or watching YouTube, and even that happiness is dwindling fast. I have many health problems that I have to take a lot of medications for, including severe depression, ADHD and Autism. My family life is not much better. My mother, who I love to bits, can treat me like shit sometimes. Whenever we fight, she always goes on and on about how she hates me, how she wishes that I was dead, how she wishes that she never had me. My mother is a good person in her own right, she just gets angry when we fight.
My father, who lives overseas with a wife and three kids, hardly ever notices me. I feel like he loves his ‘new family’ more than he ever loves me. I feel invisible whenever I visit him, and I feel unwanted there, just as I feel almost everywhere else.
I was sent to a clinic for depression and suicidal thoughts, and stayed there for a few weeks. I thought everything would be better afterwards, and they were for a while. But then I had to return to school and I felt absolutely terrified to do so. I’m having almost daily panic attacks with my exams and fears.
What makes things worse, and why I feel as if I’ve been set back with suicidal thoughts again, is my dad’s family. They didn’t care about me or my problems until they found out I was in a hospital for it. No matter what I do, I will never be perfect in their eyes. My achievements are never accounted for, and whenever I fuck up, they make sure that I know of it.
My mother fought with me today and said those same things again, but added on how I’m fat and a psycho who doesn’t belong anywhere or have any friends. If she wishes that I was dead, then why did she stop me from committing suicide before? Why does she call me fat when she knows that I have an eating disorder? I know she loves me, but I don’t always feel like it. I love her so very much cause she has done so much for me in my life.
I’ve tried rising higher and getting through it, but nothing seems to work. I’ve done therapy, counselling, gone to a clinic, medications, the list goes on…Like I said before, my only coping mechanisms are video games and YouTube.
Those thoughts are returning to me, and I may just go through with them and succeed this time. I’m tired of fighting day in and day out just to get through my day. I’ve been fighting for over twelve years…I just want a break…The finish line to the end of school has never looked so far away, and even if I do cross it, what hope is there for me in the future? I have no future, since I don’t belong anywhere in this world. I feel like I’m just a burden who doesn’t deserve to live…I just want to die and be relived of this pain…I can’t take it anymore…No-one will miss me if I go, they all hate me anyway, they would probably cheer and celebrate that the ‘weird’ girl is gone. I don’t care anymore, I just want to be away from this constant pain…
8 comments
Hey. I know how hard and difficult it is when other people treat you unfairly and they don’t have any reason to do it. I had it in my school too, and now if it repeated I would go to the police station. You should try it. I know that you don’t want to tell the whole world about your problems, but they will be scared and they may leave you alone.
If you suffer from eating disorder, I would like you to consider taking appetite suppressant pills. Have you tried it? They help you not to feel hungry. In fact, it is all in your mind. You need to control it. I am sorry that your mum is such a shit of a person. Maybe you should also try to check your brain if you haven’t done it yet.
I would love to hug you now. You don’t know how much I relate to you. I failed my high school because of being suicidal. I have problems with eating too, I don’t eat when I am depressed and I lose weight. I lost about 12lbs lately and I look like a skeleton 🙁
Thanks for your lovely reply. I have tried those appetite suppressants, but they don’t always work for me. I have had an EEG cause my doctor suspected that I had Temporal Epilepsy. My mom and dad have threatened my school with a lawsuit, so I’m hoping that gets something done.
I’m so happy that I found someone who can relate to me. See, my disorder is binge eating, so I eat a lot when I’m depressed. About my mom…I love her and I know that she loves me, she can just be really shitty when we argue (which is a lot) 🙁 . Since we can’t hug physically, here’s a virtual one! /hug
You should try MRI and a tomography scan. EEG shows nothing but alpha, beta, delta and gamma waves. You should ask your doctor to give you medical references.
Do you think that if you weren’t bullied, you would be happier? Or maybe it has another ground…
Hmm, I will ask my doctor that when I next see him.
To be honest, I have no idea if I would’ve been happier. I’ve been bullied pretty much my entire school life, so I just know that life would have been easier for me. My depression began with my dad leaving, and got worse with people first making fun of me for my illnesses, then even worse when I got beaten and chased, then finally to a breaking point with the constant emotional pain and sexual harassment. Maybe there is another ground, but I’m not sure.
wow we have so much in common.. I am 19, autistic, suicidal.. I watch youtube at least 8 hours everyday… and video games are the only places where I am a winner.. autism sucks…
Wow, that’s exactly how I feel about my video games. It’s like I finally found a place where I belong and feel like I’m worth something. I watch a lot of YouTube, and if it wasn’t for some YouTubers, I would probably have succeeded in suicide a long time ago. I watch YouTubers like Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, etc…YouTube has become my new TV.
you like markiplier too? I have watched at least 50 of his videos.. have you played gta 5?
Yes, I love Markiplier! Glad to meet another fan 🙂 and yes, I have played GTA 5.