My gender kind of really gets me down, which causes me to freak out and cut, to feel a little bit better. And I feel like I don’t want to live if I don’t know who I am, and I can’t live like this much longer.
I identify as genderfluid or genderflux, but use she/her pronouns in everyday life (mainly because no-one knows). I hate the fact that I don’t feel I can be open about my gender, because of my family. They’d be okay with it, but I just wouldn’t want them to treat me differently.
I don’t know whether I want to start using they/them pronouns. I’m not sure what pronouns I want at all.
I dress quite like a guy anyway, so I like the way I dress, because it’s not unusual for a girl to dress in clothes that aren’t typically feminine. But I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, and I hate it so fucking much.
When I think of my future, and picture myself in a relationship with a girl, I see how I am now. Maybe with a binder on some days. But if I imagine myself with a guy, I see me as a guy. And I want to know what that’s like. But I don’t think I’m transgender. I occasionally experience dysphoria with my boobs, but never downstairs. I’d like to be able to have a binder for certain days where I feel more masculine.
But I’m so fucking confused, and I don’t know who I am, or what I want. I don’t know.
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I think society wants everything to be straightforward. They want people to believe you can only be either a boy or a girl, gay or straight, but I don’t believe that’s true. A lot of my eating disorder behavior arose because I wanted to look more boyish and felt more comfortable looking less like a girl. I like being female, but sometimes, I don’t like looking like one. This is probably not the same as what you’re going through. Being confused is natural but just know that not everything is as straightforward as we’re made to believe. Best wishes. 🙂
I’m a transguy and I admit I’m a little confused. I hated being expected to be girly but here in the city I live now, you don’t have to be feminine. Lots of women who identify strongly as a woman wear men’s clothes. It’s so different from the Bible belt where I’m from. I’m only confused in that I’m attracted to men only and that I feel like I’ve lost myself and like how I looked more like a boy before testosterone than I do now.
I can honestly fully appreciate where you are coming from… at least on the gender card. My sex is male. My gender is neither male or female… I don’t relate at all to other guys and being around other guys causes huge anxieties for me; I relate better to women. I am definitely NOT one of the guys and observing typical male behaviour is appalling. I don’t truly connect with women but I do far better. I see a therapist who has indicated an odipus complex? I seek women out for sake of comfort (but also an attraction). I have learnt a term that I have started to equate myself to, that being Agender. I have struggled personally with my sexuality (gay, straight, bi, etc)… I don’t know how else to describe myself gender-wise… I don’t seek to transition to female but don’t like being referred to being a man, male, uncle, brother, boy, etc. Being called anyone of those I (on the inside) take offense to, like a feeling of disgust. I don’t know if I would call it a mental illness… if it is a mental illness it is added to a few other mental matters that I deal with daily. Growing up I didn’t have any socialization with male peers (I grew up in a severely isolated situation… abusive). I am more than willing to share my story should you wish… depending on my mood my gender-related matter has caused me great strife… how do you go through life disgusted at being the very gender you are (and not wanting to be the other gender either) knowing that what you project on the outside does not correlate to what’s on the inside? Looking in the mirror I don’t see a man (uggh)… I just see me.
Interesting Mark. I can relate on many points like being disgusted with my gender but hating females too. I hate both genders equally at this point. Both have caused me endless strife and pain. I don’t discuss this often but it pains me greatly.