I’m sick really.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. nothing in life satisfies me anymore, I want all the wrong things & I think that bad, that my heart is literally ready to jump out of my chest.
I just want it all to go away. these feelings, these thought, these memories. I just want to be happy.
I don’t remember the last time I was happy actually. you see, a lot has happened to me in my life. a lot happened to me growing up as a child and I think it has all had a negative impact on my life.
long story short, I was sexually abused from the age of 6 to the age of 14 by two different men, both being brothers, the older brother being my moms husband. I don’t remember it ever really affecting me as a child, actually I just pushed it so far to the back of my mind where i never even thought about what was happening. it’s like it didn’t happen at all.. but that was than.. it affects me now.
I don’t trust anyone, anyone of the male species that is.. I have the lowest self esteem anyone could possibly have, I hurt myself constantly because I get in the biggest States of panic where hurting myself is my only relief. I am socially awkward in many cases, I have no real friends, my family and I aren’t the closest. but what’s really messed up is what I am attracted to.
I have never ever told anyone what I am about to say right now, I figured since this is a suicide site, I can say this without being judged or ridiculed for it. but anyway, I am attracted to abuse and violence. I am attracted to men who take away all my power (and not just sexually) I am attracted to men who physically, emotionally and mentally abuse me! I actually hate nice guys. I like guys who make me feel worthless, and make me feel so scared. I know it’s sick & I hate living like this but I don’t know how to change it. I like guys who stand above women, who stand above me. & I think it might have something to do with what happened to me as a child. although I hated so much what happened to me, I still look for controlling and abusive men! whyyyy!!!!!!
I hate it & every single day I dream of dying. I can’t think of anything else that would make me more happier than to be done with this cruel world.