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Insomnia

by thehusk

I can’t get no sleep

Ok, so that’s an exaggeration. Even on the worst nights, I usually manage 1-2 hours. What I mean to say is that I can’t get enough sleep to function properly. During my work week, I spend most of the time wandering around in a haze, zombified, narrowly avoiding bumping into people, longing for the day to end. But then the night finally comes, and I just can’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour, no matter how tired I am.

I feel like I’ve tried all the standard advice. Sticking to routines, exercise, limiting technology use, changing my diet, meditation, yoga, warm baths etc. None of it seems to make a difference. I’d like to try sleeping pills, but I’ve heard they’re only effective for a couple of months, and I’ve been like this for years, getting progressively worse.

A part of my brain just won’t let go of consciousness, until I’m so tired it can no longer resist. It can’t accept the reality it perceives during the day. It wants me constantly alert, searching for a way out, a way to make things ok, when clearly none exists. My body is in a constant state of low level fear. There is no longer any safe space, no refuge. There is no peace of mind.

I don’t know how to move forward with anything when my body won’t even allow the basic functioning that would provide me with concentration, focus, energy etc. Even treading water feels increasingly impossible.

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11 comments

Salt 7/31/2015 - 6:31 pm

Macbeth quit sleeping and look what happened to him. Yeah I can attest that insomnia is a one way ticket to madness. I have it mostly under control these days, but quite often (like in the next 5 minutes) I have to resort to sleeping pills to stop my brain from spinning long enough to catch a few winks.

If it’s getting that bad for you, so bad that you’re posting on a suicide site about it, id say that calls for some swift action, wouldn’t you? Diphenhydramine (Unisom, Benadryl) works pretty well in small doses, like half the recommended dose. Any more than that and it causes anxiety (at least for me). And you’re absolutely right; in a month or less it doesn’t work anymore because your body builds up a tolerance. But for emergency use once in a while, I think it’s worth a shot.

By the way, I know what you mean about trying everything else. Diet, exercise, fresh air, I do all that stuff like a fanatic and I still can’t handle life. But I guess it makes you wonder: if you *didnt* you’d probably be in a psych ward by now, eh?

thehusk 7/31/2015 - 7:59 pm

Yep, Macbeth sounds about right (though I’m not yet at the point of seeing ghosts.) Maybe I will try sleeping pills. Could they make things any worse? Lots of people say they’re addictive – but if I overused them and they stopped working, I guess I’d just be back to where I am now.

Briight 7/31/2015 - 6:42 pm

that is because inside of you there is fear,surrender to the bad feelings do not resist then and they will fade away,since u meditate i prefer focusing on the heart and deep breath but do not resist anything.

thehusk 7/31/2015 - 8:03 pm

I don’t feel like I can give in to the bad feelings without losing all motivation. I don’t think I’d even get up in the mornings if I really did that. I’ve tried meditation, but it only increases awareness of how tense my body feels.

isj032 7/31/2015 - 7:02 pm

Do what you can today and go to bed knowing you did all you could. I bought a book called “how to hypnotize yourself as you read” and it really works, honestly, the idea is that you put yourself into a highly suggestive state and then give yourself suggestions. It’s a calming trance like state where all your worries fade into the background allowing you to really connect with your body.
All this medication is just supplementation, or if you like compensation for some missing chemical in your body.
During our waking hours our bodies are secreting mostly catabolic hormones which break down cells, and are very much associated with stress. if you are breaking down proteins in your muscles this is putting stress on the muscle. In the evening and at night our bodies switch over to producing mostly anabolic hormones which are all about cellular growth, we grow at rest and at sleep. Light exercise such as walking also increases anabolism, I believe you are probably running on adrenalin and have tipped the balance of your metabolism towards catabolism. Sleep deprivation supposedly increases the reward chemical dopamine which is the reward drug, stimulated by most recreational drugs. Perhaps you are dependent upon this dopamine boost at night to make up for your discontentment during the day.
Walk and rest I recommend.

thehusk 7/31/2015 - 8:33 pm

I do a fair bit of walking. And I try to rest. I spend an average amount of time lying still in bed – just not much of it actually asleep. You may be right about my brain depending upon a chemical reward at night to try and compensate for what I can’t get during the day though – shame it leaves me feeling like crap.

hiohneh 7/31/2015 - 7:46 pm

Hello thehusk. We had a conversation going but I lost track after I got ill and depressed. I guess I felt I couldn’t help anymore because of this. My sincerest apologies.

I do agree with the first line of isj032’s comment. You did all you can, you worked hard and I know with anxiety it can be hard to reassure yourself, but at the end of the day you need to congratulate yourself for getting through one more day. It sounds ridiculous but you deserve one moment out of the day when you can relax. That’s what I’ve been doing lately and it has helped somewhat. I look forward to sleep because of my situation and it’s a struggle when I can’t have it. You might have to take drastic measures if its getting severe. Everything is trial and error. That’s unfortunate when you feel your at the edge of a cliff but when you find a solution to one problem when you’re dealing with a million its worth it. Best wishes.

hiohneh 7/31/2015 - 8:13 pm

By drastic measures I mean sleeping pills or a doctor. Sorry I should’ve explained myself better.

thehusk 7/31/2015 - 8:22 pm

Hey hiohneh. Thanks for taking the time to be supportive once again.

I know each day I make it through is one less to endure. But most days I reach a point where I feel like I just can’t go on like this. I can’t maintain any sense of perspective when I’m caught up in this mixture of panic and extreme fatigue.
You’re right, it’s probably time to try something new.

Morris 7/31/2015 - 10:15 pm

Try watching a foreign art film. That usually puts me to sleep.
If that doesn’t work, consume some alcoholic beverages then rub one out. Alcohol consumption followed by masturbation has a 97.3% chance of inducing sleep.
If you live in a marijhuana friendly locale use of this herb can also be very beneficial in helping you nod off. Sweet dreams.

isj032 8/1/2015 - 7:08 am

“Insomnia”, isn’t weariness enough to get you to sleep?
Take a look at a yin and yang symbol, consider it’s shape and the attached meaning to yin and yang, Yin, the female energy, dark and wet, passive, yang, the male energy, the white half of the circle, associated with heat and light, the positive and active aspect in nature. This is where you are, In relation to your metabolism, yang is widely associated with anabolism (turning energy into matter). However I believe this to be wrong, the opposite is true. Not everything is black and white you know. You don’t have enough Yin in you.

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