I can’t get no sleep
Ok, so that’s an exaggeration. Even on the worst nights, I usually manage 1-2 hours. What I mean to say is that I can’t get enough sleep to function properly. During my work week, I spend most of the time wandering around in a haze, zombified, narrowly avoiding bumping into people, longing for the day to end. But then the night finally comes, and I just can’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour, no matter how tired I am.
I feel like I’ve tried all the standard advice. Sticking to routines, exercise, limiting technology use, changing my diet, meditation, yoga, warm baths etc. None of it seems to make a difference. I’d like to try sleeping pills, but I’ve heard they’re only effective for a couple of months, and I’ve been like this for years, getting progressively worse.
A part of my brain just won’t let go of consciousness, until I’m so tired it can no longer resist. It can’t accept the reality it perceives during the day. It wants me constantly alert, searching for a way out, a way to make things ok, when clearly none exists. My body is in a constant state of low level fear. There is no longer any safe space, no refuge. There is no peace of mind.
I don’t know how to move forward with anything when my body won’t even allow the basic functioning that would provide me with concentration, focus, energy etc. Even treading water feels increasingly impossible.