My story and why I want to die

I guess I was never meant to be born and live. My mom was an addict and she had this brief fling with my dad, they weren’t in love, she didn’t have a job and she was an addict. I wish she would have aborted me. But she didn’t. I was born at 7 months, probably due to her injecting God only knows what.

ALL my life I was MISERABLE, my childhood wasn’t that bad but as soon as I went to middle school people started bullying me, telling me I was ugly, that I looked like an ape, that I was hideous. And I was all alone, no friends because people pushed me away because of my appearence. All I did was crying and getting back home being by myself. I was pretty good in school and that was my only satisfaction. My mom died when I was 12 and she left me with an aunt who is extremely narrow minded and ignorant, who made my life so miserable, who never supported me and always said I was ugly as other people said. I once got told that I should surgically redo all myself, then he added “No, I am joking, you have a nice figure” implying my face is hideous

High school came and things started improving because kids didn’t make fun of me anymore, and I had the illusion I was okay again, that things CHANGED. I had self esteem again and people looked up to me because I was very good in school. I wasn’t happy, things were still not that , but they weren’t that bad either. My self esteem kept being crushed and I got the attention of men in the worst possible way, and you all know what I am hinting at. I am so disgusted by my behaviour, but more than that I am disgusted by my life, from the start. But then, let’s continue: I got accepted in one of the best colleges of the country and I was over the moon, I thought my life was finally on track. But had to drop out due to my fmaily not sending me enough money to survive. I remeber I was very suicidal back then as I felt empty, had panic attacks, I postponed my suicide so many times, I remember wating for my favourite show to be over, an English show dealing with mental illnesses and body images issues, just as the ones I have. I reflected myself so much in the character and I cried so much over it. EVERY TIME(I plan on doing a rewatch before killing myself).I went abroad and tried to work, a family member accomodated me, but as I couldn’t find a job in less than a month she basically told me I had to leave and humiliated me for seeking the attention of men online. I was again crushed, and I ran away hoping I could just starve in the streets and be forgotten. They found me and I went back home, my family pressured me to enrol again after I dropped out in another(less prestigious University) so I did. BAD MISTAKE. At the age of 20, me, UNLUCKY AS I AM, got bullied. Seriously, who gets bullied at 20? It was so humiliating, I was so depressed I just wanted to start over and find new friends, I never had friends, I wanted a full life, I wanted to feel loved and do good but it ruined it for me .The self esteem issues started again and I started having panic attacks, I didn’t go to lectures anymore and wasted another year of my life. But that’s not even all of it I have an autoimmune disease and I suspect it’s draining all my energy but I can’t get any treatment for it yet(I have to wait it causes damage to the organ it affects). Not to mention I got told I look way older than my actual age, my skin is thinning and is very dry. I also have atopic dhermatitis. I mean CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? It seems that when I say that sentence I challenge the Universe to do worse. I really wanted to move to a specific place to find a job(high unemployment rate where I am from) but unfortunately I now have social anxiety and after this horrific year that reminded me of how hideous I am, I would rather kill myself than have the self esteem to move to another place and start a new life there. Seeing the pattern of my life, I am pretty sure something bad will happen even in that place. I am proactive, I want to pull myself together but so much crap comes my way that I don’t even know where to start.

life FAILED me, I know I can’t have it all good, but I didn’t expect to have it all bad either. Can one single thing go well? Could have I had at least one thing that I like and, morelike, OTHER PEOPLE like about myself? There seems to be none, my life is unraveling and I hate it so much, all the problems, all the jinx, all the shit that I’d rather kill myself than live the 3rd worst year of my life. I started glorifying death, I see it as the light at the end of the tunnel. what will make it okay, the thing that will save me from all this pain I am living. I know things will worsen, they will because I don’t even have the confidence to go out anymore. And I will never be able to pull myself together.

Life is always being unfair with me, and death, even if bad, at least is fair. What’s the point anyway? Aren’t I gonna die in a few decades anyway? Why should I stick around? So people can use me as their personal relief for their frustration? I was unlucky from the beginning, let’s face it. I was born to a couple who did not want me(my dad abandoned me), in the worst fucking time(crisis, lack of jobs) and in the worst place(country deeply affected from it). Maybe a job would have helped me, but why do I bother? I don’t even have the strength to wake up in the morning

I can already see my future, my life will keep taking the course it’s already taken: I will age very fast and people, as they always did, will use my appearence to bring me down. I won’t be able to finish any University course and I’ll probably add even more pain on top of the amazing 20 years I lived.

I am ready to die and finally be well, in nothingness, as I was meant to be in the first place. That’s what I long for and luckily enough I came up with a fairly good plan. I can’t wait to die and finally be free. I don’t want to change my mind, because every time I do I end up regretting it.