This is just my perspective which is born out of paranoia and a lack of self esteem and self worth so things might be different to other people, it’s not absolute truth for everybody but it’s the absolute truth in the world that I live in. I’m not even suicidal any more I’m just tired of this living thing. Ya dig?
I don’t believe that anybody in the world truly cares about other people, it’s just all so fake and selfish. People will keep other people around as friends or partners to service their own needs without ever really establishing some form of connection or trust in that person.
When I die people will say redundant stuff like “oh who will I talk to now?” “I will never get to see him again” “I have one less person in my life” “I have to go to a funeral” and it is all so selfish. Nobody will really care and nobody will say “The world is poorer for not having him because he contributed well” or something like that because people are selfish and they only care about you on a level of what you can do for them. How many people in your life ask YOU how YOUR day was? How many people like to talk about YOUR passions? How many people talk to YOU by listening to YOU? Not many. The people that do that are the ones who truly care about you, I believe.
I myself do care about people but not the entire world’s population I just care about those who I have gotten to see the real side who were either loyal to me and proved their worth or I have an incredible spiritual connection with. These people will know I care however because I show it through actions. I think that I mostly care for and support these people because I know what it’s like to be nobody.
Actions speak louder than words, right? A lot of people will tell you that they love you and that they care for you but how many people will show you that they care for you by doing deeds unprompted without a hidden agenda of reciprocation? Not many people will do something out of the kindness of their heart for a friend without saying “you owe me one” hey? It’s easy to work out who is real though.
I daydream a lot about what the consequences of my impending death will have on people and I see a lot of the fake “oh I miss him” or “I wish that I told him…” and if my consciousness is aware in another dimension I’ll be angry to see that because nobody says that stuff now so why wait until I’m dead to say that stuff? No, that doesn’t sit right with me. What I really envision is my mother meeting people and she is asked about how I am doing and she replies “he passed away, from suicide” and from there a legacy of myself is born as the guy who took his own life and checked out raising questions and mystique around who I was and what was going on under the surface of what people thought they knew. It’s kind of strange but I am content and at peace with leaving that as my legacy.
I do not see the point in riding out 50 odd years to naturally die when the future of my own world is so bleak. When my parents die I will be alone until the day I drop dead as I have no siblings and no potential to find a soul mate and have children of my own so I will be destined to live another 20 or 30 years by myself until I myself am dead so what is the point in that kind of future? That is no way to live. It’s a pretty demoralising feeling at time that you have judgement passed over you based on the biological makeup of what you are which you had no control over at all, does it make me a bad person because I look the way I do and not another way or because I am deficient in an area here or there physically? It doesn’t particularly matter anymore as I am too old to care but it’s stuff that I used to think about and see it in young people. A friend of mine once told me that his sister told him that “black hair and blue eyes is such a unique and sexy combination it’s a shame it’s wasted on your friend (me)”
Paranoia is a funny one because it’s good and bad at the same time. I don’t open myself up to anybody anymore because it’s a sure way to hurt you because people either leave your life voluntarily or they leave your life involuntarily so at some point that person will leave a hole in your heart. However the downside to overprotection is that that hole will always exist in your heart if you shut the world off, so it’s a double edged sword really. What does that have to do with paranoia? Well, you see whenever I meet somebody new I have to put it through my mind of why they want to get to know me, what is their ulterior motive for seeking me out and befriending me and learning the secrets of my soul? In almost all cases I am certain without doubt that people only enter my life so that they can find dirt on me and have a great laugh with my enemies at my expense and if they fail to find some at least they can laugh hysterically over the fact that I trusted them when they were double crossing me. Any time I speak to a woman it always that feeling of “why is she here? She’s going to stitch me up and make fun of me” and I might be paranoid but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong! It’s happened before and it could happen again but I don’t allow it to so I’m protected but it’s kinda disheartening at the same time that in 1 out of 100 people I meet I’m able to set aside the paranoia and comfortably let somebody get to know me that is until they realise that I wasn’t worth getting to know.
I am also fully aware that my negative mindset filters out any positive experiences or moments in my life which causes a heightened sense of acknowledgement to negative ones which just perpetuates the reinforcement of negative and upsetting thoughts within the mind. Our mind is so powerful that we often take it for granted that we have the power to literally snap out of these ruts and choose happiness and positivity but I’ve come to the realisation that I reject this way and I’ve become comfortable within the cesspool of negativity. All I ever wanted in life was to share it with somebody and have somebody care about me and ask me how my day was going which then slowly turned in to somebody reaching out to me because they noticed that something wasn’t right but now my spiritual brick wall is so well defined and structured that it is impossible to even notice something behind it exists and my proverbial “keep out” sign works well too, so now I just hope people leave me alone because I’m not here to be anybody’s running joke that they can use to make themselves better at my expense.
“In the Kamigata area, they have a sort of tiered lunchbox they use for a single day when flower viewing. Upon returning, they throw them away, trampling them underfoot. The end is important in all things.” – Tsunetomo Yamamoto
53 comments
Hey man,
I was in a similar place to this a while ago and I can understand what you are going through. The thing is though, that what you are feeling now and what you believe now are not necessarily what you will believe a month from now, a year from now.
You’ve already played out the future in your mind, a fantastical prediction which is not the truth. If you keep believing it, you may turn it into your upcoming reality, a reality where you are alone. I don’t buy into this fantasy and you should not either. You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know where your path will lead.
Don’t care too much what other people think, or if someone says something cruel to you. That judgement and what they think defines who THEY are and tells me more about them than about you. Care a whole lot what you think of yourself. You aren’t being real kind to yourself. Would you treat another person this way? Don’t do it to yourself.
I can understand your cynicism. There are a lot of people who only give a shit about themselves but there ARE lots of kind and caring people in the world who want to be GOOD in the same way that you do. I’m sorry that you’ve had some bad experiences.
You are a smart kid with good analytical skills, but your mind is trapped in a cycle of rumination. You MUST break away from this, otherwise you will have to endure this for the rest of your life. It seems like meditation is something you would do well with. Try to be aware of when you have these negative thoughts and either gently drop them or challenge their validity. The mood–negative thought cycle is vicious.
Instead of contemplating on all the bad stuff about yourself, get out and do something to improve your situation. Motivation follows action. Read something inspiring, dream about an adventure you want to take or something you want to learn and take the steps to make it happen, just ignore the reasons you give yourself that you can’t do it. You don’t have anything to lose. Have you really exhausted your entire potential? Give yourself a reason to feel self worth and esteem. Don’t give up on yourself as a person. Your past does not dictate your future. The future is never set. You are the author of your own book. It might take a while for you to get to the point where your story is interesting and something that you can be proud of but it might end up being a masterpiece of a life. You will quite likely find hope and a reason for living along the way.
Good luck brother.
I can’t be concerned about the potential for my stage of my mind to change because nothing exists but the present moment and life is nothing more than a succession of present moment after present. I can only be true to the present moment and how I feel now. Reflecting on the past causes depression and anticipating the future causes anxiety and in both cases it is self created trauma that exists in the mind. I want my mindset to change because it will show a sign of growth and knowledge so it wouldn’t be a good thing to think exactly the same way in the future.
I don’t believe in anything in life because to me belief is the death of knowledge and once you believe in something you are committing to that idea and rejecting other possibilities. I give credence to a lot of ideas over others though. John Lennon wrote a song called “God” and he lists about a dozen things he doesn’t believe in until finally he says “I just believe in me, Yoko and me, that’s reality” and I like that because in reality nothing exists but yourself and if you accept yourself you can never truly be lonely.
Other people’s opinions of me mostly became irrelevant to me a while ago. Some times it will get to me but it gets to everyone too and it’s mostly unexpected stuff. I couldn’t care less anymore that I’m ugly to women or not intelligent enough for someone. Fuck them and the sperm they rode in on.
Have you ever made somebody feel happy within their heart and glad to be alive making them feel like everything they have done and every path they have traveled in life was worth it and meant for that moment? I haven’t. I have however done a lot of the opposite.
I’m not smart I just took acid and read a book called Hagakure so I think I have this higher level of understanding of the universe because myself and the crew smoke weed and come up with theories that are as out there as possible and nonsensical.
“Coz the nigga wear a kufi, it don’t mean that he bright, coz you don’t understand him, it don’t mean that he nice, it just means you don’t understand all the bullshit that he write” – Jay-Z
I know for a fact that when I die a friend of mine will hear about it through Facebook and use my death as another excuse to garner sympathy for the “hard and traumatising” life she has had and that really annoys me. This person will say stuff like “I’ve lost another friend and I can’t deal with life” “why does this always happen to me?” And paint this picture that we were really close and I meant something to her which could not be further from the truth and I wish that if I am a spirit and I caught wind of these shenanigans that I could pop out and call her out on it. The only time I speak to her is every few months she’s home alone drinking wine and she messages me, that’s it.
We used to be close a long, long time ago but I made the mistake of telling her I liked her and her response was “You’ve just ruined our friendship, things can never be the same between us again” wow, okay then. After all the stuff I did for her there was one time I rang her in my time of need and her response was “don’t call me with your bullshit” and that was the night that I dropped her from my life. So I’m not too excited to see her eventual manipulation of the emotional consequences of my death. Fuck her and I’m glad that every man she’s had since she rejected me has failed miserably.
That was the last woman that I liked and that happened around late 2007 or early 2008. There was one more actually in truth but that got knocked on the head quick. It’s a pretty good reflection on me as a person when you think about a woman being so offended that I took an interest in them. This is a woman that would cry to herself because “I will be alone forever” and “no man likes me” and there I was like, yo I like you, and it was like I offended her children. That why I don’t talk to women or let them in to my life.
I liked what Jim Morrison had to say regarding the line “My only friend, The End” about how life hurts but death doesn’t.
This girl I liked and she hooked up with my mate the meth head! Unbelievable. It was pretty hard to see the girl I like to be with someone else. I am pretty sure they banged one night after a trip to the pub but she always insisted they didn’t which is strange because I never asked her if they did she just got on the defensive over the thing for some reason. What do I care who you were fucking? We weren’t going out.
I made her cry because I did something positive for her on the one day of the year nobody else would. I never got any gratitude for it and this was after she rejected me because I’m an idiot and still do shit for people if I see they need it. She never did anything for me but I was never concerned because I didn’t need anything, you know?
I understand you.When i die (if i die?) my mother will start bitching about how expensive a funeral is and how this death is eating up her money.She will also feel deeply relieved since her burden is finally dead.
you and I share the same mother mate. I’m deeply sorry for you.
Hello. – Totally off topic question –
Have you mentioned before that you play an Epiphone guitar? I just got a used Epiphone Les Paul Studio and it sounds great. (I’m not very good but the guitar sounds awesome).
I went in there to buy an SG but after seeing and hearing the Les Paul I got it. (A used one costs about half as much as a new one, and 1/10th of a new Gibson. Apparently Epiphone is the working man’s Gibson).
Anyway, just wondering what your experiences with Epiphone guitars have been like.
No that wasn’t me. I bought a guitar 10 years ago with my first tax return but never got the hang of it. My fingers aren’t long enough to adequately play.
Oh, ok. Sorry for the mix up.
Good luck with all that other stuff.
@Morris: just read this whole thread (yeah i have spare time) and checked your question. I had several epiphones in the last decade so i’ll give you a few pointers (out of experience).
1. Baby it, specially the back of the headstock, they have a tendency to break where the headstock meets the neck with little abuse.
2. Get lemon oil and apply it on the fretboard from time to time (rosewood benefits from it and it gets rid of grime).
3. If you ever want it to sound even more awesome, change the pickups (they aren’t very good), and if you find tuning is sketchy, changing the tuners does wonders. I did those two mods to one i had and made the guitar a lot better.
When you think of life we are made up of the same core elements that make up the entire universe! So I think that when we die our physical being will just dissolve back in to the universe where we came from and our energy is back with the energy of the universe. People back on earth that are alive can essentially “pray” and draw upon our energy out of the energy of the universe so even in death we can be helpful. What happens to our consciousness is the real question.
Religion has nothing to do with spirituality and a faith in a God or deity.. Religion is nothing more than a controlling book on how to manipulate the masses in a certain way to benefit a church or ruling power. These two things should not be associated as one and the same. “God” is merely the energy of the universe. Draw upon my energy when I’m dead.
Why are the times on this website weird? It’s really 10:18pm on July 8!
I have to go to a 21st birthday party in a few weeks so I’m going to hold off my checkout until after then because as much as I don’t really care for this person I don’t really want their personal day of celebration to be tainted and tenebrific because of me, that would be rather unfair and for the rest of their life their birthday would be associated with my death. No, I’m not about that and I think these things through when I plan my death. See how considerate I am?
There’s really nothing left for me to achieve on this planet and in this dimension anymore so I’m going to send my consciousness off to a journey of finding something else in the unknown. I’m rather curious with what happens in death and much more curious than what life holds. It’s been the same old shit for years and I haven’t gone anywhere except backwards so now it’s time to go somewhere else.
I take with me to the grave a resentment that I was given poor physical genes, a poorly formed facial structure and an inability to efficiently use the capabilities of my mind to its full potential. I take the affection for another human that I can’t have with me as well. I take my insecurities and self created pain. I release the burden of my life’s choices and say goodbye to the presence in my head that communicates with me positively throughout the day and negatively throughout the night.
I wish that I could have an ability to have a mulligan on life and do it all over and make better choices and not be so afraid and not be so worrying about what people thought and not hold myself back but that fear of the unknown is what makes life what it is. I tried and I failed. It’s time to sit down. I know how to correctly hang myself now and I know it won’t fail.
How come nobody is ever willing to hear my pain or my anguish? Nobody I ever supported in my life returned the favour, isn’t that funny? All I ever got was either “don’t call me with your bullshit” or shit like “oh yeah that’s no good” of “that’s sad” nobody ever put the effort in to helping me or trying to work me out the same way I did for other people.
I think the feeling of trying to sneeze but you can’t is really annoying and at the moment I have the feeling of wanting to cry my eyes out and I can feel it coming but I don’t have the capability to cry anymore. I wish I could cry.
This hits hard right now.
“A meaningless death made me question the meaning of life
Does my body remain at rest like when I’m sleeping at night?
Will I burn in eternal hell or will I find paradise?
Be rejected or ressurected like the body of Christ?
Is it like purgatory, the story described by the Catholics?
Or Nirvana that Buddha sought in both theory and practice?
Like I studied in my college philosophy classes
Or do my molecules and atoms travel back to the gases?
I mean, what I’d like to know, is where’s my spirit go?
After the curtains close, on my final show?
Is there a pain it brings? Enjoy my favorite things?
Visit ancient kings? Hear the angels sing?” – The Last Emporer
The dates are wrong again! It’s early Thursday morning the 9th. I hate seeing all the people on my train because it’s a reminder of things I don’t like to remember. All the people that are better than me and all the losers that I will be in 10 or 15 years time. I have to look like that guy soon. This girl sitting down thinks she’s better than me because she’s so insecure about herself the makes her outside beautiful because her inside is broken. People like me give people like her a much needed boost in their self esteem because they’re able to say “fuck look at this guy! I’m better than him”
My friend got arrested with all of the drugs on him so Friday night is not a goer.
Jim Morrison said in an interview what the line “My only friend, the End” meant
“Sometimes the pain is too much to examine, or even tolerate….That doesn’t make it evil, though – or necessarily dangerous. But people fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah – I guess it is a friend…..”
The most painful thing in life I think is to be affectionately attracted to somebody that doesn’t like you. It’s however better for her since I won’t be alive too much longer so unless she’s a necrophiliac then I wouldn’t be much use to her. She’s the greatest but doesn’t realise her own potential and that saddens me more than her not liking me.
I had a dream last night that I was talking to this girl who was telling me the most important stuff but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was! I can feel that it was significant advice.
When I was on the train this morning I said to myself, life only becomes life when we die because at that point we are like a finished painting or book, the finished product exists in our death. Until we die we are just writing or painting what our life will be. The same is with a relationship for example, when you break up only then can you reflect and analyse what you just went through and decide whether it was a good or bad experience. Most people will decide it was a negative experience purely because of the circumstances that culminated in the break up despite the positive experiences a long the way.
This is what I interpret “the end is important in all things” to mean because nothing is what it is until it finishes.
If you want to see if a person cares about you then stop talking to them
I came to the realisation about 12 months ago but I had it confirmed over the weekend that nobody I know and consider a friend has respect for me and considers me important. To everyone I’m just a joke not worth taking seriously and only to be kept around as a running joke for people to laugh at and feel good about themselves. Fuck them all I won’t miss any of them. I was going to wait until after a family members birthday but I just woke up from a dream that really messed me up so I might do it soon.
“Bushido is realized in the presence of death. This means choosing death whenever there is a choice between life and death. There is no other reasoning.” – Tsunetomo Yamamoto
They call it a battle with depression or a battle with suicidal thoughts because in my experience it never goes away it just comes back for me. You can’t defeat it it seems but you can manage it and you can surround yourself with enough of a positive support network to be able to combat and absorb these feelings but it doesn’t appear that you can make it disappear. What would make it go away? A dream job? Finding the love of my life? Winning the lotto? All of that is external happiness and doesn’t last. It has to come from within and happiness is a choice. I choose death.
Annunaki, I totally understand you, as I feel exactly the same. I have this deeply rooted sadness in me, and though I have been taught to look at the glass half full it seems that there is no way that I could ever truly be happy with myself. None of that “happiness from within”, even if I were to choose it, it’s just not happening, ever. I am very sensitive to others’ feelings also but no one cares about me, not even enough to truly miss me when I’m gone. I’m sorry that you are being dragged through the mud of life as much as I am.
Part of me wants to die so that people can remember me in a more positive manner than they normally would when I am alive. People will forget how annoying and stupid I am so they’ll have this filtered perception of what I was because people are afraid to think negative about somebody that died.
There’s people in this world that don’t know my internal emotions have such a deep concern for their own feelings. When I’m gone some people will say “how could he leave he didn’t care about me” but the truth of the matter is that the only reason I have stuck it out until this point is because I’m concerned for them. It’s not arrogant, I’m not talking myself up to be important in the opposite but there’s some people when I’m gone will think I didn’t give a care in the world about them because I decided not physically being here with them was better than being with them. It’s a shame that some people will never know the truth of how much I’ve concerned myself with their own feelings.
Quantum suicide. Has anyone here ever read about it? This stuff is really getting to me because I’ve had a (hilariously) failed suicide attempt a few months ago but what if I really did die in that moment but now my consciousness is just aware in a parralell universe where I didn’t die and it failed? That would be insane. Would we ever die at all? Can consciousness end?
I think that people fail in suicide either because of the quantum immortality theory or because suicide for some or many is an impulse decision and not carefully planned out and in this state of mental hysteria it’s so easy to mess it up which is exactly what I did. I’m feeling more at peace that I have my method perfect and it won’t fail and I’m much calmer and accepting of my future demise so I think that I won’t fail this time. Just give me the word and I’ll be gone. If I fail then I’ll probably be existing in a parralell universe! Hopefully I’m richer and better looking than I am now.
My friend told me that she wished that I would tell myself the positive things I tell her and all I could think was that I wished it was her that said it instead. It means nothing to say positive stuff about yourself I think.
I’m suicidal and I have accepted that my destiny is to take my own life, hopefully in the coming weeks but what’s weird is that I don’t have any pain or traumatic event in my life that caused this feeling to come on, it just is what it is. The only reasonably painful thing I’ve experienced was my last love 10 years ago now when I was 18 I found her in bed with a guy who could seriously have been carved out of marble in Ancient Greece he was that perfect. I didn’t even really love her I just felt the pain that I wasn’t shit to her anymore, it destroyed my ego and self esteem but nothing else.
I’m a pretty good guy. I know in my heart I have a lot of good things going for me as a personality, and a lot of things going against me physically so it evens out, but nothing would jump out and make suicide an obvious thing in my life but it just is. There’s just nothing for me in this life. I haven’t achieved anything, never did anything I wanted to do, never was or will be liked by a woman, no future prospects so I don’t really see the point in going on when it’s just going to be the same record on repeat. I’d rather die than have to live this life. I choose death and I’m not in pain.
Monday I believe will be the day.
First week of August 😉 Tuesday
Actually, no. I’ll check out when I want to! I won’t be putting people first before me anymore
I could have had anybody I wanted with my personality if physical genetics had have been kinder to me. When it comes down to it though I’m pretty good as a person and I make people laugh and feel good. It’s a pretty bitter pill to swallow, it’s nice to feel confident and good about yourself but sad to know you have a huge flaw out of your control and that the realisation came too late but I guess that in the face of death you break down the ego and only see the truth. It’s just a shame this didn’t happen when I was 18
I can’t remember the last time that I cried properly. I’ve shed a tear at best but I haven’t cried since probably when my dog passed away back in the final week of September, 2010. I cried for a few days straight solidly all night long, I took that very badly.
I think that I did mention above but I’m not particularly bothered to find out if I did or not but I currently really like a girl and have a strong affection for her and we have a great connection and she is the right person for me but sadly I am not the right person for her and I’ve met her at a time in her life where my role is to support and uplift her and not to love her as much as I want to I have to respect her.
The other night I had the urge to cry but I couldn’t. I get this urge occasionally and it’s similar to when you go to sneeze but you actually don’t. I began to think about her and I together but I wasn’t think about holding hands with her or kissing her or being happy together I was imagining her telling me that she had been having sex with somebody else and that she didn’t love and that she only got with me until she found someone better, all of that sad stuff. It still didn’t make me cry. I’ll keep imagining stuff until I cry. The last thing I want to do before I die I cry.
I don’t want to die. Not at all. I would prefer it if I could channel this determination of death towards making a positive impact to fixing my life but mentally I’m preparing to die and it’s too far gone to come back.
My friend that I like said “if only I could make you feel how you make me feel” it’s because there’s nothing positive to say about me and we both know.
I’m pretty at peace that my future is about to end. After this weekends family event I’ll be free to end it when the time is right, no more restrictions holding me back. It’s going to feel like the proverbial monkey off my back. I hope that nobody I know traces this account and these words down. I won’t be leaving a note I prefer the mystery of why.
I think it’s good to mentally prepare for suicide. I talk about myself in the past tense now. I don’t speak about the future with optimism but rather I speak about it as a possibility lost. It’s a subtle way to comfort yourself and become accepting that you won’t be around. It’s the small things like this that truly help you become at ease with the idea that you won’t be living. You can reinforce the mind with anything.
I’m mentally prepared and I have my date organised I just need to get set up.
All I ever wanted was to mean something to somebody but it wasn’t to be. I hope there’s no reincarnation.
That girl that I like said “I feel like it’s just a one way street and it’s all about me” and I regret not telling that’s because no roads lead to me. Oh well.
I’m not sure but this may be my last post. My event from today has finished and I’m no longer burdened by it. I’m in the clear so my death is unobstructed.
The girl that I like could obviously tell that something was not right with me, she even said it herself. It’s just a pity that she doesn’t care about me in anyway to try and help me. I helped her so much and I mean nothing to her in return. That is a pretty disheartening feeling however I can’t fault or hold a grudge to her. I don’t blame her for not giving a shit about me and it’s her life and she’s free to care about whoever she wants. I respect that. I just respect people who call me a piece of shit to my face instead of pretending I mean something to a degree but ignore me.
So clearly I haven’t been able to go through with ending it all but this week I’ve gradually been mentally deteriorating and I’m extremely close to crossing over and being in the zone to try another hanging.
I’ve mentioned I became close to this girl and I developed affectionate feelings. She goes through the same shit I do so we understand each other. She told me I could vent to her my feelings and she would listen. I vented a little bit last and she’s ignored me for 24 hours now. I can’t begin to describe how fucking crushing that is and I don’t really know why it just is. You get these people come in to your life and you think they are different but in reality everyone just seems to be a repeat of everyone else. She’s ignored me when I’ve vented before but this particular occasion feels almost heartbreaking. It’s particularly hard to take when I’ve been there so much for her and she’s not willing to be there for me. It’s not surprising since nobody gave a fuck about me in the past so why would she be any different. This is why I hate letting people in to knowing who I am because nobody cares and nobody wants to stick around.
I don’t know, I’m honestly devastated. It’s hard to take that you can some say stuff and just get completely ignored. Oh well what can I do besides try and hang myself again. At least I’ve found a sturdier leverage for the rope it should hold up well this time.
I’m sure it’s not because she doesn’t care.
Maybe since she herself is struggling it might be hard for her to support you with yours.
It might seem a little cruel at first but maybe she’s just unsure on how to respond.
If she did it before however, maybe you should try and ask her what’s up with that.
Maybe your venting and her struggling together might be too much for her to handle so she has to take a ‘break’ and catch her breath before she comes back to talk to you.
No. She doesn’t give a fuck.
Why would she offer to listen to you then?
If she didn’t care at all she wouldn’t tell you that you can vent to her.
Maybe she -tries- to care but simply can’t because she’s too absorbed in her own mess.
But i guess i wouldn’t know.
It’s painful anyway regardless of her reasons, but don’t let it impact you so badly.
If she’s choosing to be distant now just take a step back as well, focus on other things in the meantime so you don’t have time to get too hurt by her actions.
It’s simple. It’s an empty gesture because I was the shoulder to lean on for her and she feels obligated to be that for me but in reality she doesn’t give a fuck.
It’s not whether she cares at all but rather having the heart to admit it. She faked it and dug an emotional hole that I’m now buried in.
It sucks when people do that, I feel for you… I guess the best option is to cut her out of your life and move on. Caring about someone who doesn’t care about you is always a waste of time and energy… *sigh*
Usually the people that we think will care won’t, unless we have met them from out entire life, and even then, it’s a crapshoot. Sadly appearances are deceptive, and many times we see just what we want to see (i was proven that point yesterday in a pretty harsh way).
In a way, all we can do is expect nothing in return when we do something for someone, but that’s pretty hard, because like you say, when we are in need we do need a bit of that attention back. The world is filled of people that will worry about you in a superficial/obligated way, and most likely we have been guilty of it at some point, even for people that really cared about us. An example of that is what you mention in your main post about people asking about how you are… and you know, i get asked that every day (when i have to go out), and if i don’t reply back no one cares or notices. I used to say to myself “i wish they wouldn’t ask if they didn’t mean it”, and eventually i realized that by not giving it importance i was doing something worse: not asking them back and validating that non-importance that i was complaining about. If everyone does that 24/7 it’s no wonder it becomes the norm.
Not saying that it’s entirely our fault tho, but considering society is pretty adamant on individuality and competition, it’s no wonder everyone is a lot more self absorbed, but there are still people that genuinely care no matter what (but hardly they tend to suffer from it the most). Is it harder than heck to find them? yup, it is, but they still are out there, even if they are wearing a mask to protect themselves.
In a way i do think that everyone has the potential to be genuinely helpful to anyone, but they will only do so if they “click” with each other, while being superficially helpful to the rest… but meh, i could be wrong. In the same way, you sound like a smart, intelligent person that maybe has had to deal with the wrong set of people (either by wrong choices or bad luck) through a good part of his life. I don’t know what you’ll end up doing but just had to say that i hope things get better for you in someway and if they don’t i hope you find peace. Oh, and i really enjoyed reading all these posts (felt pretty identified by most of what you wrote).
I don’t do things just to hold a favour over somebody but she was telling me she cares and is there if I needed then when I did I got ignored. Fuck it, this is why I hate people. It’s basically the final nail in my proverbial coffin. Even if I don’t kill myself I’m not opening myself up to anybody again and I won’t be helping anyone again. I have to do this alone because nobody has my back so I’m not going to have anybody else’s back anymore.
I do get what you are saying, and trust me, i feel like that pretty often, so i don’t blame you, but i kinda felt the need to point out some things that i’ve figured out due to the years of being disappointed by people (and disappointing them as well).
Being alone and trusting no one has its pros and its cons, and i don’t think you do things for people just to hold a favor, but in a way we all expect something in return (even if its subconsciously) and that’s a big part of the problem.
Even if you don’t expect something, people will say that they got your back out of obligation, and it’s then when we have to realize that most likely it isn’t true, because we can be fooled into thinking that they will help if something happens to us (which might not be the case). It’s such a crappy possibility-based-game that i do things alone but i still help when i can. If somebody repays that, great, but words hold little meaning and whenever someone says “i’ll have your back next time” i just nod and play the fool.
I’m (hopefully) signing off with this post.
I thought of how I feel for this girl and I started laughing. Seriously, me? Lmao. Who am I to think that I could possibly stand a chance to be with this person? So what if we laugh and shit it doesn’t change that we are literally beauty and the beast (except I’m poorer than Aladdin) it just doesn’t happen in this world no matter the connection that somebody like me can be with somebody like her. She’s always putting herself down that she’s ugly and pathetic and it makes me think to myself, but in reality the ugly and pathetic one is ME! Beyond comprehension.
Then I think past how ugly & fucked up I am and think what did I do for her? Nothing. I got attached and became clingy. I said a few comforting words in her time of need, so what? I couldn’t do anything else like make her realise how good she really is or that she meant something in this world. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t even care that she doesn’t care about me it’s the fact that my care is unwanted is what hurts. It’s to be expected since nobody ever did so why start with her? But the final confirmation that I’m nothing more than an ugly pathetic piece of shit not worth the gum on the bottom of somebodies boot was realised and it’s utterly hilarious & pathetic to think I could have had something with us.
She’ll always be in my heart though.
Maybe if each of you had less issues with your own personal lives things would be more possible for you two.
I’m sure it’s not anything personally wrong with you that she didn’t like or that you’re not good enough for – it’s just she’s preoccupied with a lot of things, especially if she constantly putting herself down when she shouldn’t.
Neither of you two is either ugly or pathetic. You’re just struggling.
Words of comfort and being there for her are not ‘nothing’.
It’s a lot and it means a lot to a person in need, even if they fail to show it.
A lot of people never even get that, which is also why it’s hard to fully show it matters (out of fear it might stop at some point, and other fear-type struggles most times).
You’re not ugly or pathetic, you did your best for her and even in the case where it didn’t matter to her (which it did actually matter) it doesn’t make you less of a person.
You did well when you cared for her, even if she fails to appreciate it or show it mattered.
You’ve never seen what I look like. Even she avoids talking about how ugly I am because she can’t lie.
Avoids talking about it…?
So when you bring it up she never responds to it?
Why did you even bother with her in that case, hoping it will develop into a romantic relationship, if she can’t even see something about you that she likes?
Trying and lie about it and pretending she does is a different case and it’s bad on it’s own so i guess it should be a good thing she doesn’t do that,
but if she can’t even find or try to look at things about you she does find attractive, you really shouldn’t have tried to count on things going more than just friends with her.
I might have never seen you but i’m sure you’re not ugly.
She might find you unattractive in her taste but that doesn’t mean you are.
Just let it go I don’t need your after the fact advice