It’s been about 5 years since I’ve been on this site. 5 long, long years..
I thought things were good, that everything was going to be okay. That it was okay, I made it through the hard part and I could live a happy life now. . . But I was sadly mistaken. . . The pain from five years ago, was only the beginning. . .
I left New York, shortly after I graduated high school. To be honest I thought it was a miracle I made it out of that hell hole. Senior year was pretty good I must say, made Honor roll and was dating the man I had wanted since the 8th grade. I was driving my own car, had good friends to hang out with and mom and I were finally smiling and laughing after losing dad. For those who have never read anything of mine at the age of 17 I lost my father to lung cancer in 2011. Since it was the first year without him holidays were hard, but we managed, at least that I can remember.
But anyway, im rambling. We moved to North Carolina, mothers choice not mine. Driving to florida one summer we stoped here to rest, mother fell in love with the place. Me? Not so much. I wanted to go to florida and be with family and some friends I had in that state, But being an 18 year old fresh out of high school with NO money at all, that wasn’t an option for me. So we came here. To this. . . Well . . Okay the town is nice, New Bern for those wondering. It’s pretty, peaceful and. . . full of old people, Marines, and people who have know each other since birth or high school and already have friends. . . Great, That’s just great. . Did I mention everything closes at 9:30? Yep a town of the old or the ones too young to use the toilet or eat solid food.
Again rambling, my apologies. When you put a keyboard in front of me I tend to just, well babble I suppose.
Things were okay for the first two years here. I was working, Making some nice friends, and even attending school at The Art Institute of Raleigh/Durham. Oh and had a new boyfriend named Alex. 6’4, red hair, eyes as blue as the sky and a jaw line sharper then a kitchen knife, When he saved haha. Again for the handful asking “what happened to that other guy” well. he left me, without even saying goodbye to me before I moved. he cut me out of his life and never even said goodbye and has refuse to talk to me since then. But things were going good. . . Then. . . In the blink of an eye, Everything. . . Changed. . . .
Im going to break this off a bit because this is A LOT to read and im sure some of you, not I, have a life.
My blue eyes beauty and I didn’t work. We would break up, get back together, and break up again. three different times I believe? Anyway, that was the end of that. Then a few men, and I use that term loosely, came into my life. Each more horrible then the last. More rape, more lies, more abuse. . . over and over again. . .
it has gotten so bad that the last one actually made me snap to the point my mother had to bust into the bathroom to stop me from digging a razor blade deep into my throat and killing myself.
Now I cry every day. I have to fight the urge to die. . to rip my throat open. . . to jump off the bridge to town. . to shoot myself. . to die. .
I want to die. I want this pain to end. This constant pain that makes me feel like knives are digging into my chest. This pain is something that no one should have to go through. I may be strong. . but god I don’t know how much longer my strength can hold out. Im three steps from the edge and I feel like im about to break.
Odds are im going to write why im like this. . but that is A LONG story. . LONG. . . im too tired to type all that out. . so tomorrow is another day. . . unfortunately. . . Another day of pain and tears. . . great. . . cant wait. . . Maybe if im lucky I will die peacefully in my sleep. . But im not that lucky. . my life is proof of that. .