It’s been about 5 years since I’ve been on this site. 5 long, long years..
I thought things were good, that everything was going to be okay. That it was okay, I made it through the hard part and I could live a happy life now. . . But I was sadly mistaken. . . The pain from five years ago, was only the beginning. . .
I left New York, shortly after I graduated high school. To be honest I thought it was a miracle I made it out of that hell hole. Senior year was pretty good I must say, made Honor roll and was dating the man I had wanted since the 8th grade. I was driving my own car, had good friends to hang out with and mom and I were finally smiling and laughing after losing dad. For those who have never read anything of mine at the age of 17 I lost my father to lung cancer in 2011. Since it was the first year without him holidays were hard, but we managed, at least that I can remember.
But anyway, im rambling. We moved to North Carolina, mothers choice not mine. Driving to florida one summer we stoped here to rest, mother fell in love with the place. Me? Not so much. I wanted to go to florida and be with family and some friends I had in that state, But being an 18 year old fresh out of high school with NO money at all, that wasn’t an option for me. So we came here. To this. . . Well . . Okay the town is nice, New Bern for those wondering. It’s pretty, peaceful and. . . full of old people, Marines, and people who have know each other since birth or high school and already have friends. . . Great, That’s just great. . Did I mention everything closes at 9:30? Yep a town of the old or the ones too young to use the toilet or eat solid food.
Again rambling, my apologies. When you put a keyboard in front of me I tend to just, well babble I suppose.
Things were okay for the first two years here. I was working, Making some nice friends, and even attending school at The Art Institute of Raleigh/Durham. Oh and had a new boyfriend named Alex. 6’4, red hair, eyes as blue as the sky and a jaw line sharper then a kitchen knife, When he saved haha. Again for the handful asking “what happened to that other guy” well. he left me, without even saying goodbye to me before I moved. he cut me out of his life and never even said goodbye and has refuse to talk to me since then. But things were going good. . . Then. . . In the blink of an eye, Everything. . . Changed. . . .
Im going to break this off a bit because this is A LOT to read and im sure some of you, not I, have a life.
My blue eyes beauty and I didn’t work. We would break up, get back together, and break up again. three different times I believe? Anyway, that was the end of that. Then a few men, and I use that term loosely, came into my life. Each more horrible then the last. More rape, more lies, more abuse. . . over and over again. . .
it has gotten so bad that the last one actually made me snap to the point my mother had to bust into the bathroom to stop me from digging a razor blade deep into my throat and killing myself.
Now I cry every day. I have to fight the urge to die. . to rip my throat open. . . to jump off the bridge to town. . to shoot myself. . to die. .
I want to die. I want this pain to end. This constant pain that makes me feel like knives are digging into my chest. This pain is something that no one should have to go through. I may be strong. . but god I don’t know how much longer my strength can hold out. Im three steps from the edge and I feel like im about to break.
Odds are im going to write why im like this. . but that is A LONG story. . LONG. . . im too tired to type all that out. . so tomorrow is another day. . . unfortunately. . . Another day of pain and tears. . . great. . . cant wait. . . Maybe if im lucky I will die peacefully in my sleep. . But im not that lucky. . my life is proof of that. .
6 comments
There are people who will help you stand. I am here to tell you that. I am here to tell you that it is not easy, and this you already know, but that some day, you will find someone who will not leave, who will protect and love you, and help you grow. What those people did to you is atrocious and unforgivable. I’m dealing with some rough feelings about a similar issue with a dear, dear friend of mine. I’m angry, and frustrated, and guilty, and I wish I would pass peacefully in my sleep as well. But we won’t. And we’ll wake up, and have to face another day, and to that I say bring it on. I will not let them win. I invite you to join me in rebellion, I invite you, though we may perfect strangers, to stand with me for a moment, and let the world fall away. I invite you to join me in refusing them victory. We own ourselves, and they will never take that from us. They can take many things, but they cannot take our selves. Stand with me, please. I need all the help I can get.
if I could make the world fall always for even a moment then my problems would be solved. but I cant…
i read your post, and i can understand and feel your pain. If it counts for anything, im here to listen to you.
Any possibility of getting a fresh start somewhere else? A place of your own choosing this time? Florida perhaps?
That isn’t an option now sadly, thanks to school, ex boyfriends and my family. I have about 5$ to my name. if I had my car fixed and the money id already be there.
Depression is what uses YOUR knowledge against you, this is the nature of the barrier between human communication and the limitation of the symbols we chain together in order to coherently converse together towards a desired outcome.
if one was to attempt to help you then there would be a hit or miss situation where perhaps a single word may trigger a reaction within you revealing a subconscious setback worth hours of surfing others comments. Your perspective of this situation is also vital, hence what you see as a significant character or identity in your life may very well be a individual coagulation of experiences, atoms and a configuration of predictable pre-programmed beliefs.
in your search of the calm to weather the storm(state of mind) you cannot hinge your conscious foundation of the conformist ideals of others, however similar or dissimilar they may seem such as the mask they, and to an extent, you may use during your daily routine.
There is no use in denying the fact of the natural human need for intimacy and romance, however, the person holding you back is the person you think you are when faced with the traumatic stimulus as in the man’s face, name and voice and the identity you may have assigned to him in your careless venture into their lair, you never truly know what books, movies or influences he may have used in order to have an advantage over you, a simple business transactional error many make with others interactions.
Your objectives would be better shifted into associating with people who; may have struggled with similar situations and have clearly demonstrated success/over the net, earning the money via searching for a job that you could handle and self growth in terms of gathering wisdom, insight etc. by redefining your past, perhaps a scenario of a 50 year old aunt giving advice to your niece as a been there done that type deal.
understand that you should change your environment asap as humans typically absorb the environmental influence without much control over time, this of course being your displeasure being in such an area and shifting the people associate with in order to expand the horizon of your mind to reveal what nagging thought structure you may have missed, or what fantasy chain simulation you haven’t completed in the case of an over-active imagination.
An example of effectively finding out the cause of your issue is discerning if it is external or internal of cause i.e. i think i am ugly, but i look pretty or he mistreats me therefore i am a lesser person. I would invite you to listen to TealSpeaks on youtube as may benefit you(200,000+ subs) as she has a similar past with exploitative individuals as in rape etc. this clarifies if you have an inner fear of inadequacy or an outer fear of being hurt and what the issue is about, perhaps the need to change for others or a lacking sense of identity
What you may feel content with as a belief system may also be harming you by limiting your ability to creatively and constructively think to your own benefit and draining you of energy by doing the simplest of tasks, remember, this is ground zero we are talking about, so you have nothing to lose by being yourself, being the role model of choice and choosing instead of obeying the direction of the swaying pendulum in your mind.
Understand that you may not be able to see the forest through the trees, and that many frustrations are that of good will towards self or others.