My name is Hannah, I’m 22 and I plan on ending my life. It may not be today, tomorrow, a week from now or this month, but it will happen. I already have it planned out. I know exactly how I’m going to go. I’ve written a will and what and who I want at my funeral, not that it matters since I wont be alive to witness it. I’ve done my research if I will go to heaven or not and I got the answers I need.
I have everything going for me, why would I do such a thing to my loved one? I don’t know. This constant depression and misery might be the reason. It might be the schizophrenic part of me, the voices, telling me to just end it all. I really don’t know. I start college and a new job soon and I’m excited but it wont make me happy. Not happy enough anyway.
There isnt a thing in this world that could convince me to stay. I’m terrified to do it but I just know it needs to be done. I’m terrified of the chance of me living through it and being committed to the psych ward again. But my plan should, at the research showed, should go off without too much of a problem. I am scared that I will live through it and be left with permanent damage to some part of my body.
Its a risk I will be willing to take. Right now I’m treating myself to luxurious candle lit bubble baths, bath with bath bombs and general hot and relaxing baths and showers. I make sure to bath everyday, to shave, brush my teeth, do my chores when asked. I go to church like I am supposed to, go to the doctor for my meds and shots, go to work. I don’t cut or harm myself in anyway. I treat myself nice.
I’m just tired of being depressed all the time, the voices never stop, the pain in my chest is almost unbearable sometimes.
I’m so sorry mom. I love you so much and I know you’ve tried to make everything easy for me, you are the most supportive person ever. I’m sorry that you may be the one to find me lying in bed, dead, or in a coma, dying. Thank you so much for the constant support and love, I’m so, so sorry. I wish there could have been another way. Please don’t blame yourself.
For everyone else, I hope you don’t blame yourselves. I love you all too. I know you’ve been supportive and have tried to help. You’ve read my facebook posts and tried to encourage me. Thank you for that. You stalled time. I’m sorry to all my former friends, like Rachel and Seth, I hope your baby grows up to be a great, Godly child, just like yourselves. I’m sorry I won’t be there when she comes into life. Give all my love to her.
Beth, Barbra, thank you for being great friends. Jamie, thank you for trying. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better role model Abigail. I’m not the best there is so maybe it’s time to find a new one. Justin, I hope you and your girlfriend find happiness and you have beautiful children together. Jeff and Nikkie, thanks for being there too. I love you all.
Justin Seckman, I love you. Thank you for being my best friend till the very end.
Caleb, I love you too. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. I wish we could have reconciled and got back together. I hope you find great happiness and the love you deserve the most. You’ll always be my “fan dingding” as long as I can be your ‘booboo stewart” 😉 John Grim, thank you for being there during my difficult times, Im sorry I did this to you. Im sorry I didn’t seek help. I should have. Thank you for being a great friend. Take care of my mom please?
Just remember mom, suicide isn’t the answer. I love you.
Thank you for reading, see you all on the other side one glorious day,
– Hannah
3 comments
Idk what I could say to help you change your mind, but I hope you eventually do, Hannah. I understand that you’re suffering and that you feel like you won’t ever be happy, but I hope that your new job, college and the people you love can help you to change your plans and hopefully you’ll feel happier and decide to stay.
Lots of peace.
Hannah, if all possible go to a hotel or remote area and text where your body can be found. It sounds like you love your mother very much; it seems that she has supported and done a lot for you.
I know your standpoint of being depressed all the time. I don’t like it either. Give your new job a chance, and college…. things may change.
I know of the question that you may have asked yourself: How long can I remain only for others? I know this question intimately. Just remember that you don’t get any second chances when/if successful in your suicide. I understand however the choice of one’s destiny.
When/if you decide to carry forward with your plans, I think it would be nice if you could leave notes specific to each person listed in your post above. be sure to emphasize that it wasn’t their fault, stress too how much they meant to you in your life. I lost someone close to her suicide and would have appreciated a personalised note… there wasn’t even a note but she died on impulse.
I’m not encouraging your demise. It does apply when I say you have a lot going for you. But at the same time I understand and respect your decision as it seems well thought out.
May peace find you.
Please don’t. Just don’t okay.
Not today, tomorrow or a week from now, or ever. You seem like a nice person. You wish you’re loved ones well, and you’re smart too researching for all you need and making sure that family members shouldn’t feel guilty. But what about you? What about this Hannahmarie52. What about her?
I can’t say what you may have felt all your life, I can’t pretend I understand it. But I can speak for what I felt and there is despair in the way you write, there is a surrender in the way you have chosen to make suicide, but that is not a good choice. A good decision isn’t surrender, it isn’t despair.
Death is not a good place to go. A good place to go is a picnic with all those people you mentioned in your note, to sit with them, eat, laugh, talk (YOU SURE AS HELL STILL CAN i fucking believe in it) and tell them what you think of them, and tell them what you think of you. Let’ see if they can make you change your mind.
If you say suicide isn’t a way to go, if you wish for your mom to remember that, then that is proof that in a place deep inside you, you know it to be true. I talk to that girl, who still has hope, who knows that isn’t the way to go.
Listen to her. She still lives. You can too. You can feel deeply and truly. You can feel fear, then overcome it. then slowly replace it by feelings of happiness, joy, sadness, gratitude. And when depression comes around the corner once again. All those people, all your experiences, all your new found feelings will stand against it. Then it will be okay to feel depths of sadness wash over you because you know that the feeling is only a testament to the fact that you CAN feel deeply, deeply good too.
I wish you well. Much love.