Hi, I’m a visual novelist… well that what I was aiming to be.
People often tell you: ”With time you will get better.”
Well, I wonder and anyway… I don’t have the luxury to take my time. But before I tell you about my current situation let me give you a slice of my past.
At the age of 15 I moved away from my country and started to travel with my parents in a country where I couldn’t reach my friends.
Internet you say? Well there were 8 to 9hours of time difference between them and me and I didn’t have a computer so I could only go to the cyber time to time. In the end the only moment I was speaking to them was the week-end for some hours… but as time passed we grew distant to each other, I felt out of place and nobody was seeing me as a member of the group anymore.
How did I study? Well to make it simple: distant education… alone.
At that time I was the kind of person who though he was living only to help people so being alone literally broke me mentally, I felt like I didn’t had a purpose to live anymore so I thought I needed to change myself to be someone who don’t really care about anything.
I ended up living one year bearing the sadness and faking not to care at all about all this. Maybe you think it was a mistake not to say a thing but at that time the only persons I could/wanted to make happy were my parents and even though I decided to change I wanted to hold onto this.
After this year I went back to my country but it was only for one year. At first I didn’t make a single friend because I thought it was useless, I thought that but there was this girl, every time I told her to let me alone she would come back at me with a big smile. In the end after some month I ended up having some friends and this year was probably the happiest of my life. At that time I also had some news about some internet friends I had back then before my first trip.
But then I went back traveling with my parents. This time it wasn’t that bad I had internet so I was able to keep some tie with my friends, mostly my internet friend not those from my school but that didn’t really matter. I was now 17. I made a decision here, I didn’t care about school so I might as well all in everything since I didn’t have anything. I decided to follow my new dream, the one I created to have a purpose to live: becoming a mangaka, I decided to stop school to have more time to draw… since I started to draw late I thought that if I worked more than Anyone I could make up for the gap.
At first it went well, my growth was quite satisfying. Well, there was moment where I would feel down or cry but I was always standing up telling myself that I would become better… but then after something like a year my result didn’t get better, well they did but very slowly… way too slowly, from here my dream started to shatter. I would continue because I had nothing else to hold on but my life basically became something like that: eat draw cry sleep. Eat draw cry sleep. Eat draw cry sleep. Over and over, there was also time where I had fun with my friend but the more time passed the more these times felt wrong, playing with friend was a loss of time or that what it felt like so I played fewer and fewer with them. But then my drawing skill wasn’t worth that much and I was already 20 with my dream still standing even though it was so broken that it was in thousands of pieces … Well I am currently 20.
I had hope, hope that I can still make it with great story that could gap my drawing… since the main problem of my drawings were time (I’m a slow drawer.) I decided to head toward game instead of manga, visual novel to be more exact… but I don’t seem to have the skill for that either. Actually the thing I’m working on right now is the best thing I ever wrote I feel like it could actually be good… but I can’t find the force to continue it, I’m afraid every time i’m in front of the paper, I can’t write anymore, I wrote 1/10 of how long it should be but it feel like I used all my energy, if I fail now I won’t be able to get up, but I can’t even stand up to write this one, it’s actually my first work that will be public so it should be motivating me… but I’m barely standing because of this journey. I just wanted to write stories that could move people, that could make them smile, cry and give them the faith to move on. But I’m lost, afraid and no longer have any strength, I feel like dying right now after crying all those years. Even if I try to write I can’t. I never won a fight against destiny so maybe it’s just telling me to quit it.
What should I do? I can’t take my time but I’m lost…
This Journey lastey way too long…
..Thank you for reading this selfish note of my existence, I tried to skip the small details.
Ps: sorry if my English is a bit sloppy.