I actually cried tonight, thinking about what happened over these past three days. Did a lot of psychoanalysis on myself. As you all know, Thursday night I started drinking cooers light. It’s the only alcohol my aunt will allow me to have. The problem is, I sober up to fast. The bigger problem is that I feel like a monster when I’m sober but when I’m drunk all my worries go away and I can be myself (in a way). I get scared of sobering up because I know that once I do, my problems will come back.
That night, I said screw it and decided to head towards the railroad tracks in the direction of my dads house. I couldn’t have done that sober because Id have too much anxiety. I had my ex on the cell phone the entire time. We are still very much in love. As I walked my first intentions was to get myself ran over by a train. As I think about it now, I think subconsciously I wouldn’t have went though that because I’m smart enough to know how painful a suicide like that could be. At the same time, my fear levels were so low that I wasn’t scared of getting mugged, bit by a dog, pulled over by the cops or anything.
After about an hour and 20 mins, including many falls and stopping to smoke on the railroad tracks while staring at the stars, I finally reached my dads house. I remember my girl saying it was 1:30. My fad let me in and we talked……then he gave me a bundle of joy. A thing of Vodka. It’s been so long since I had some strong stuff. I continued to get drunk with him. The next day we started again, than smoked a lot of weed. I was feeling good.
Problem is, it all comes crashing down. The day after that I woke up even more depressed than I was before. I know alcohol release endorphins but I’m also knowledgable about how it destorys your synapses and dopamine receptors. So I’m stick between my cravings and my mental knowledge of how much it hurts in the long run. Sometimes it seems worth it to drink myself into a happy stupor and pay for it the next day. I don’t get the headaches and stomach aches that most people do from it, but I can still feel depression worsen temporarily when I drink heavily. I just wish I can enjoy something that won’t kill me.
5 comments
This is so deep and sad too. Man, don’t do the train thing. I’m glad you chose not to. Good that you could go to your dads and enjoy yourself and sorry it hurts when you come down from it. I know how you feel. Why is your girl your ex if you are in love? I think you should be together maybe she can help you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I won’t do the train thing I promise. I think Subconsiously I wasn’t gonna do it because I read so much about how painful it can be. Thank you for those kind worse. Me and my ex are still soulmates. We got this incredible connection but I have a lot of emotional issues that stressed us both out. Everything seemed overwhelming, I wanna turn back time
Im glad you didn’t do the train and mostly you had a blast with your old man 🙂 hang in there you sound like a brave survivor
Depression is *****, it is always lurking in the background ready to pounce on you and beat you down after those aided short-lived spurts of elation. It’s always lurking around somewhere. I am Glad you didn’t go the train route man, you are still strong. Find peace brother.
Ugh, that would have hurt SO bad!
You should drop the alcohol drug. Smoke weed instead if it makes you feel better. 😉 I’ve never patted myself on the back for drinking.