Hello all,
This is my first post on here, and I’m hoping to get some feedback about my situation and if I should be taking some sort of action towards it. A little background to the life that led me to this site. I have cystic fibrosis, a degenerative disease that currently holds the life expectancy at 37. I am also pre-diabetic and if this carries it’s course then my life expectancy will drop to a whopping 24. I am currently 19 and these two numbers have haunted the majority of my thoughts for quite some time now. I have not had an easy run at it so far, either. Dealing with IVs, hospital stays, treatments, medicines and more has become a norm for me. It’s my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. I am also the queen of complications… in the last 2 years I have dealt with: nerve pain that was so severe that I actually made a deal with myself to end my life if it did not go away (thankfully it did!), and spending Christmas Eve in the hospital with two punctured lungs and chest tubes due to a botched procedure. I have noticed that, mainly in the last year or so, my outlook on life has changed drastically. I am constantly having “dark” thoughts. I am seeing myself as more of a burden on my loved ones. I mean, my whole family had to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital because of me for Pete’s sake! They would never admit it, but I know none of this can be easy on them. I feel like I can never TRULY talk to friends or family about what I am thinking about because I don’t want to sound like a complainer and if they found out how dark my thoughts are, I think it would hurt them, plus, we should be having the time of our lives now, who wants to deal with a depressed friend?. I never thought of myself as depressed or suicidal, I talked myself into believing that thinking like this is normal, at least normal for someone whose “mid-life crisis” would have lined up with prom season. Kind of morbid, I know. Is this normal? I have nobody to bring this all up to, but thinking about death every single day is probably not normal. It has come to the point that I can’t even hangout with friends without thinking about how I could be dead in 5 years, without wondering what it would be like for them if I was already gone. Sometimes I feel like I should distance myself from my family so they can, I don’t know, get used to having family time without me because that’s what it will be like in the end. I don’t think I believe in shrinks, it’s not like they could change my situation so probably just a waste of money. I have yet to bring up anything to a doctor, I don’t even know what I could tell them. Am I depressed? Am I suicidal? I don’t want to die, but it’s not like I have much of a future to look forward to; what’s the point of dealing with all of the pain and grueling treatments when it’s only going to get worse and more painful in the future? Maybe the most selfless act would be to remove myself from the people I am close to, stop making friends who are only going to be hurt by death in the end… “I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties” (The Fault in our Stars).
Thanks for reading
11 comments
Hello and welcome. I do believe you are suffering from depression as a result of your physical conditions and the stress it is giving you and perhaps those around you. Every human thinks about death and feels hopeless at some point, especially in tough situations. But to feel you have no future and have constant dark thoughts is debilitating and is stealing your mind of peace.
Therapists don’t really change your situation, although some do try to help you find solutions to problems. I think a therapist would be helpful to you so you can open up to someone, and perhaps family therapy might help you talk with your family about the issues you are all facing.
I understand the guilt you may feel and how you think you’re a burden to your family, but it’s not true. You did not ask to be put into this situation and it’s not your fault. I can tell that if you could change your situation in an instant you would, so don’t feel you are hurting others when it’s you who is the one that is hurting.
I can tell you care about those around you, which is a beautiful thing. I’m sorry about the pain you’re experiencing. I hope we can help you and you’ll feel safe to share your feelings here. Best wishes. 🙂
Thank you very much for your kind words. I think you are right, maybe a therapist could be nice for someone to open up to. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
You’re welcome! 🙂 Me and everyone on this site will always be here for you when you need us.
I was going to write something but i pretty much agree with what hiohneh wrote above, so i’d be repeating the same thing. I do wanted to add that even if you feel like a burden, your family is mos willing to help you if you let them (not all families would spend christmas in the hospital), and most likely they’d prefer the complications that it brings than not having that chance at all.
Wouldn’t you want to be able to help them if they were in your place? i’m saying this because being ill (and having a life expectancy timer) is something that takes a huge toll on someone, and a therapist could help you to deal better with all of it (and your family as well). I do hope things get better for you.
Thank you very much, I see your point about my family facing my complications rather than the alternative, it makes me feel more thankful that I have survived it all. I appreciate you taking the time to help me.
I do believe in honesty in my responses though understand that I am not a doctor and I only understand what I have read. That said, I do agree with the aforementioned in that a therapist may be beneficial… it isn’t healthy not to talk about your feelings. Talking can also allow for possible ways of coping and managing mental aspects to your condition.
With everything said and speaking with your therapist, there are aspects to CF that, *over time* may merit exploration of bringing things to an end but this depends on symptoms and your abilities. Now isn’t necessarily the best time for this and isn’t something that should be worried about right now.
You care about the people around you and have people around you which is a wonderful ability. Enjoy things as best as you can for now. All the best. 🙂
Man. Another one of those posts that just really hit me. ” at least normal for someone whose “mid-life crisis” would have lined up with prom season”… whew.
Like Mf said, hiohneh covered things decently enough already, but I do wish I had something meaningful to say here. Incurable disease or suicide, either one is just damned depressing to think about, for a family member or random bystander. I think Mf is right in this though. It’s a shame you have to go through this, and a shame your family has to as well, but it would be far worse for them, I think, if you were to give up and do something drastic.
Hopefully random chance will be kinder to you in the future than it has been so far. Not a big proponent of miracles, but hell, I hope one finds you somehow. Best of luck, random girl (for whatever it’s worth).
@justsomegirl
Your situation is abnormal, certainly. Most of us don’t have that kind of disease to deal with. But the fact that you’re thinking about death all the time, and worrying about being a bad friend / family member just proves that you are a very good person. Certainly, you may be suicidal, and you may be depressed. Who wouldn’t be, dealing with the things you’re dealing with? But precisely because you are depressed and suicidal, you should be a little kinder to yourself.
I know that sounds contradictory, but your consideration for others shows that you’re a good person. Your ability to battle this kind of illness shows your bravery. I’m glad someone like you is part of SP, and wish you the best!
Yeah, i agree with hioneh. I am sorry that you are suffering.
You are concerned about your family having to spend time with you because of this. Its good that you have a family that cares so much
Thank you all so much, these words have really touched me. I am so glad I found this site full of people who care about my life. I wish you all the best.
Sorry to hear about all that. All I can say is, you’re still here, you are a good writer, and if life permits, still do what you can and what you love. Blog and share the unique perspective and voice that only YOU have.
I’m working through my own pain as well. You’re not a burden on your family, you were a result of love, they wanted you here, and there are things that are happening outside of yours and their control.
I had a friend who died young of cancer, looking back, I wish I could have done so much more for him and my heart breaks now, thinking about all that.
Set a “window” for yourself. Set some goals. Despite my struggles, I have a ten-year goal window that I want to be, in ten years, of course, and in that time period, I live in the moment and I don’t bring up my depression to family and friends, I just try to live and to produce good things with my hands.
Do not isolate yourself! You will probably go into psychosis! It is like a physical finger being cut off from the rest of the body (the rest of humanity’s life-flow)! To be alive, you still need to be emotinally connected with the rest of the living, too, not just physically around.
I keep telling people on here that as long as you still have breath, you still have purpose, and you are still here for a reason, no matter what.
Best wishes to you and hope to hear more from you, here.