I just want to end it now and don’t know the best way. I want something that would be painless and I’d just fall asleep and never wake up.
Then I think of my daughter. She’s 23 and has a wonderful boyfriend. They are both working on their futures and doing as well as they can. Both working hard towards it.
I don’t want to hurt her more than anyone in my life. But at the same time I just feel worthless and don’t want to be around anymore
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Have you considered giving it a bit more time? if your daughter is 23 is likely that she only needs a couple more years in order to get her family life/future sorted out, and that would give you some time to see if anything changes for you as well (which might happen or not). That also would give you more time to sort out your things and figure out a painless way (which tbh isn’t easy to work out in just a couple of weeks). Do you want to elaborate on why you feel worthless tho? at times we all feel like that but it doesn’t mean we are.
It’s stupid that I feel worthless about myself. I mean I didn’t make the best grades in any school, elementary, high school or college. But was the President of Phy Theta Kappa in college. I don’t know how I got that. Then got married to my friend at 21. He had and has so many emotional issues. We had a rocky 30 year realtionship which included 27 years of marriage. I finally had to break that off. Long story of course.
But after we got married I thought we’d both go on to college and make a life together. I didn’t see it happening for him and I knew I didn’t want to live on a KFC “salary”. So I went back to college.
Got a A.A.S degree in computer information systems. Worked in so many big companies. My first was USAir. Got a very high paying job after that then a higher paying job in Colorado and moved my family here in Colorado. Struggled for years to make sure my family had what we needed and a decent place to live. Took control of everything because my husband didn’t take care of anything. I am serious that when I say everything he touched, died.
So why am I down on myself? Good question. I’ve achieved more than a lot of people.
I think it goes back to how I was raised. Nothing we did was ever good enough for my dad. And he’s still that way today. My sister and I were taught to work work work. And if you didn’t do it perfectly, you were punished. He would beat our dogs terribly when they’d bark. Just cause they were lonely chained up to a dog house in the back yard.
I look at myself and see where I have plenty of room for improvement but don’t have the energy to even consider doing any of it. Or stopping any bad habits I have. Which compared to most, I don’t have too many bad habits.
I’m just hard on myself.
And I do believe that since my dad was so hard on us, it has given me a fear of people in positions above me. Such as my managers. I am constantly afraid to be with them face to face for fear they will say something I did wrong.
But this current job, I got a raise within 9 months and they don’t do that. My manager said I was doing a great job and she wanted to give it to me.
I’m full of anxiety. I constantly feel I need to be moving non stop, getting things done.
But here lately on my weekends off I’ve been sleeping a lot.
I don’t know, I just don’t feel good enough for anything or anyone.
If you were raised on a highly demanding environment it’s only natural that eventually it caught up with you, but you are the complete opposite of a worthless person (and you have plenty of proof of it). You’ve achieved a whole lot more than many people i know (i include myself there), and you do know it, but the problem there (i’m guessing here) are your expectations and the standards that you had when growing up.
There’s nothing wrong with being an overachiever (it can be pretty useful) as long as you do value your achievements and learn when to say enough is enough. Getting rid of that “it’s never enough” mentality is not easy tho… have you considered looking for a therapist? at times a constant, professional support is needed in order to shed old belief and habits, even if it’s only to reaffirm something that you already know. You said it yourself tho, you are being way too hard on yourself.
I know I want to end my life too and have for a number of years. the guilt of what it would do to the ones I love is so excruciating to think about. What is your daughters situation like, does she have a good support system? Perhaps like the person before said you could give it a few years until she is older & more settled?