I just don’t know what I have and I wished I never had visited that doctor. She said that I had “too much anxiety for normal situations”. I had social anxiety and she couldn’t even say that name to my face. Then at home I searched about it because I didn’t trust her and I found out that possibly I had depression too, and now I can have BPD too. And at this point and just don’t know if what I feel is truly real or maybe I get all the diseases I read about. I don’t know what is real and what is not. Maybe I truly have it, maybe I just want attention, or maybe I am just crazy and a monster. I just want to go back to that time that things were nameless and I was all day alone locked in bedroom without seeing anybody and living in my fantasy world.
I feel so exhausted and I just don’t know who am I. I am sick of my attitudes and I am sick of this rollercoaster.
Last night I lose control again and I tried to make a knot in my neck with cloth (didn’t work because I made it wrong -.- ) and I think that next time I lose control again I will just hang myself without telling anybody. I just want to wake up from this nightmare or sleep from this life. It is all about the view point.
4 comments
omg. you and I are in the same situation. I have social anxiety too.. it totally sucks
Yes anxiety’s a *****. I’ve had it all my life.
What do you mean she couldn’t say the name to your face..?
She’s a doctor but she’s just human, so while it’s okay to have your doubts, you should give her a chance and keep going and see what she might come up with.
BPD is complicated. It can also be similar to bipolar so it requires some time before you can really get a proper diagnosis.
Having your problem diagnosed doesn’t make you automatically sick or a monster.
You are not a monster.
Just like a person with a certain physical condition needs a diagnosis so they can know exactly how to get it treated and what they need to do in order to move on normally with their life later, it’s the same case here, with a little extra complexity (since it’s not physical so you can’t just get a scan or so).
Maybe it was a bit easier when you didn’t know what it is and just let yourself be distracted, but you did say you’re tired of suffering through it all, so maybe it’s worth a shot to try and figure it out.
Personality disorders are a little different and they might be a little more complicated to deal with but it’s not impossible and it does not make you crazy.
Looking it up online might help you find similarities but it is not enough to get a real idea of what it is, since there are a lot of things to consider and just because they might fit in one of the symptoms doesn’t have to mean it’s what you got.
She diagnosed me and then she treated me but she never said the real name and she knew because she told me she had many cases like me before. I quit it one month later. I know that fitting in one of the symptoms doesn’t make me have it, but I have been read many stories and examples and symptoms from different sites and every time I say to myself “wow this is me, I think and I act like this people”. I really hope that I don’t have it… But thanks for your words, I will think about it and will wait (or try) to see what happens =)