I’m just tired

I’m trans, asexual, panromantic, and dead tired. I’ve been diagnosed with depression a year ago, when I cut myself too deep, and my parents found out. I didn’t want them to find out. I wasn’t trying to get their attention. It was my private thing, my personal haven, and I wanted it to stay that way. But I was careless, had to get some stitches, and I was outed as not-actually-alright.

I feel absurdly tired allthe time. I basically stopped leaving my house since I finished school. I don’t have the energy to do anything at all. There’s nothing that I’d like to be doing pretty much, I can’t concentrate on anything, and it feels like I sleepwalk everyday.

I’m transgender – MtF, pre-everything. Also, 6’10”. I’ll never be able to transition in any way. I’ll never be myself. I feel like a freak. I feel that I’m just hopeless in it. I’ll never come out to my parents; what’s the point?

I’ve never had any friends. Only people that I’ve been talking to about video games, because there was nothing else to talk about. And they hated my opinions, and hated me. But I was their only option, and they were mine. When I came out to my sister, she started ignoring the topic. Like it never happened. She’s supportive, but because she’s worried, not because she gets who I am and wants to help. I’ve got no one to talk to about anything.

I act happy in front of others. That’s the only way I know of having any social interactions at all. I don’t think about it – it just happens. And evereyone thinks I’m alright, because I can’t wipe that fake fucking smile off my face.

I keep thinking about plunging a knife deep into my chest, and cutting through my entire body.

I’m staying alive, so others don’t get sad.

I can’t fall asleep without meds.

I don’t know what to do.