I don’t really know why i am writing this i suppose it’s because i want someone out there to know the real me before i go. I’m so hollow inside it hurts all the time i feel hardly anything about anything and i never really have i am always wearing a mask portraying the emotions i should be showing and saying the things im supposed to say, everyone thinks i have the perfect life since i just seem so happy when im just falling apart inside ever since i was young i knew i was different from everyone else so i just pretended to be like them it worked really well until eventually when i was in high school i couldn’t bury the unease of how wrong it felt it was too late and i started realizing how fucked up i was and how different i was to everyone else they all got to feel things and see things that i never could it made me so jealous of them so i tried numbing myself to the whole world just drinking and smoking the days away time passed in a blur and it just made me feel emptier and i began to hate everyone around so i started driving them away to protect them from how sick i thought i was eventually i found someone that i thought was just like me and we started going out i started to feel relaxed since i didn’t need to hide how i felt about everything then they decided to end their life it broke whatever i had left in me so i decided just to be a mask and thought maybe just maybe it’ll get better it didn’t now im at college working part time feeling less and less attached to reality while everyone else seems to be doing alright i just drink myself to sleep at night hoping i won’t wake up tonight i know i won’t be waking up ever again. I just wish i could feel like everyone else
Goodbye
2 comments
I’m sorry you feel this way but I wish you a peaceful departure…
I hope you’re still here. I hope it isn’t late, but you talk about a mask and not feeling anything. And all around the world there are a bunch of weirdos that exist that nobody understands until we realise they really aren’t and it’s too late. What if you are in that category too?
It’s a stretch really here but maybe you have Antisocial Personality Disorder. (you can look into it)
I don’t know if this helps or makes things easier, but maybe reading this from another perspective, maybe looking at it through the lens of a girl sitting far far away from you saying it’s okay makes some sense.