Lost

I feel completely broken inside, like a part of me that should be there is missing. I’m constantly surrounded by a dark cloud that suffocates me. I feel like it should have killed me already. I’m surprised it hasn’t. It’s so hard to live with so much pain. My friends don’t understand – the few that I’ve told about it. They think that chocolate and hugs will make it all better. It won’t.

The truth is that I want to disappear. Except I can’t. The problem with having a perfect-on-paper life is that: a) people don’t believe that you could possibly have any problems, and b) you have all of these responsibilities that you’re supposed to care about and maintain.

I wish I could fly. If I had any superpower, it would be that. It would be so much easier to be free from every thing.

I wish I could stop screwing everything up. I wish that this dark cloud would disappear long enough for me to stop screwing everything up. I fell in love with a guy who was my best friend. He knew how screwed up I was and yet blames me for everything that went wrong between us. He said it got too “full on”, and that he doesn’t do full on. It makes me blame myself, even though I know that technically it isn’t my fault. Now I’ve lost my best friend. I wanted to say to him “At least you get to run away from full on. I live with full on.” But I didn’t. Another regret that stacks up to make my thoughts completely miserable.

I completely understand why people become alcoholics. I easily could. It allows me to breathe. Yes, only for a short time but it’s better than the hell I go through every other second of the day. People who don’t have this problem wouldn’t understand. It’s so much easier for them to just say that people who drink shouldn’t and that it’s wrong. That it’ll mess up their life. I disagree. Mental disorders screw up lives. People who judge screw up lives. Friends and family who think that chocolate and hugs solves every problem screw up lives. Addictions just make things easier; more manageable.

Unfortunately my perfect-on-paper life gets in the way and I feel far too responsible for ensuring the welfare of my future to become an alcoholic. It’s just another wish.