Lost & Confused.

For the past four years I’ve struggled with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression, but the thing is I think I had anxiety and depression before I even figured out I had it…5 years ago I was 15,lost and confused.. To start off my first year of highschool was a fail and I pretty much quit the first week, I went to one class everyday for a week because all of it was over too whelming for me and I didn’t understand why I figured you know it’s highschool it’s probably over whelming for everyone, but I knew it was different for me when I started thinking that everyone was just looking at me and judging me and talking about me behind my back all the time like instead of focusing on my school work I focused on the opinions of others, opinions I never got to know if they even existed because my anxiety level was too high(Of course at the time I didn’t know it was anxiety)  to even try and make new friends,so after that week I just quit going of course for the first month or so I came up with some excuses that were far from the truth but it still kept me from going and that’s all I needed, now that we have basically a backstory to where I first figured out I had anxiety legs skip ahead to where the other caca del toro (incase you don’t speak Spanish it means ‘bullsh*t’) kicked in, before my 16th birthday, I had an auntI lived with  Now I lived with this aunt for probably about a year and a half before the incident I’m about to tell you happened, I don’t usually like picking favorites but everyone could see it everyone knew she was my favorite aunt, for me it was I could just talked to her about anything and I could do anything with her or for her, .in May of 2011, my aunt passed away, this part lady’s and gents is where the waterfall happens for me (aka massive amounts of tears fall) May 19th,2011 A day I can remember like it happend yesterday that’s the day my aunt passed away, and the reason I can remember it is because she passed away in my arms. I was a month away from turning 16 and the biggest tragedy I’ve ever had to face is happening right in front of me right in my arm,I can tell you every single detail of what happend that night. Every single detail from start to finish, it SUCKS that I could still after 4 years remember what happened and tell you word for word.. the first year I can honestly say I didn’t know what to do with myself I was a mess, and it may have seemed like I was fine at times but I really wasn’t I’ve done things that left scars, I’ve cut, I’ve don’t smiley face and probably almost most anything you can think of, I think about her all the time, every single day some days are easier to block it out so I don’t end up crying in the middle of no where and some days I just have to sit in my room and cry about how much I miss her and how much I feel like it’s my fault because there was nothing I could do to save her or help her, and that’s my biggest problem I think is that I blame myself for what happened even though I know it’s not my fault…it just FEELS like it and I can honestly say I hate that feeling as much as I hate missing her and hoping shed just come home again yknow? I’ve had my share of dark days where I said yup I’m gonna kill myself today/tonight is the time, but every single time I stop myself, every single time I have a little reflect on life and how much certain people would miss me and how I wouldn’t get to see my nieces and nephews grow, and then I usually just end up in bed crying because that’s such an over whelming thing to think about, not seeing your family grow, well at least for me it is. I know people love me and care about me it’s just hard to talk to the people you love of your thoughts on killing yourself, I guess that’s why I came here…because I know there’s a problem even if it’s really mild I do still have thoughts of ending it all, making all my pain go away, although I do have sort of a coping mechanism(I’d rather talk privately about it though) and they’ve helped a lot they’ve helped me stay clean for a year and 8 months no cutting , not smiley faces. But I still have my days where I breakdown and cry..but this is getting kinda long…I don’t know if any of you have stuck around or even if anyone is reading this but if you are just think of the good times because thinking of the good times and memories I’ve had with auntie are so much better then laying in bed crying and remember everything that happened that night.. I’m still lost and confused but I’m also still living life & so are you and that is definitely something to be proud of, trust me<3