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moonshot and mental after-walks from a before-life

by kills


from the depths of despair I wander
but not all who wander are lost
yet I am both
a wandering vagabond in search of answers i’ll never seem to find outside of my rib cage
my animal pen that keeps my true rage locked inside until it’s time to feed
hidden and looked over have I been for far too long

.

.44 magnum for voice box full of ammunition that’s begging to be fired
whoever gets in the way is irrelevant; the bullets are meant to kill
cause I’m killz and I was born in darkness
birthed in hopelessness and death themselves
i have seen the face of the reaper
and shes a pretty *****

.

sour stares from walkers by I sense the jealousy
i feel the purpose emanating from my stargates
my brown destiny finders perusing the atmosphere my greatness creates
i search for meaning
i scour the lands for a means of escape so I don’t resort to lethal routes
im a mad hatter with no direction except up
pulled by a string that takes me higher day by day
while my soul sinks lower and lower
anchored to lies I’ve held this whole life

.

it’s time to run
to fly away from misery
never let her break my legs again
because I’ve got my strength back
I’ve got it back.
and let me tell you misery — it’s always been there
strength only leaves when we believe we’re weak
belief is a priceless substance
weightier and more valued than gold

.

frustration inhales every impossible possibility
i look to the stars above but i hear a voice say look in the mirror
thats where they’ll be found
I look to the night sky for the werewolf rock that destroys my universe
the craters left from other rocket men who missed their mark
countless dreams blocked by this stone in the heavens
will that be my fate, O majestically torturous universe?
will that be my fate…

.

hate. hate. HATE.
a four letter word with innumerable ramifications
each with a butterfly effect eternal
flutter it’s wings here, flap them there
creating irreversibly dark shades in my black chest cancer.
I feel nothing and yet I feel everything bad.
i am contradiction at it’s finest
I want to wear make up and I want to smear it all over her face.
I want to wear a dress and I want to take her’s off

.

Society’s gender constructs were meant to be shattered.
everything is built to be destroyed
there is a time for laying foundation and a time for bulldozing it to smithereens
my identity is shaky yet it’s never been stronger
but fuck family
they say friends are family you choose but
I have no friends
friend is a word that does not compute
danger will robinson, danger

.

agh my pulse pounder is beating the shit outta my sternum
my heart is racing
but nobody can keep up with an ADHD soul like mine
cocaine was fashioned after my insatiable hunger for more
so again, I ask; heart, who do you race?
anxiety leaves this warrior distraught
panic if we’re honest here
panic stricken. an emotional apocalypse complete with different colored horsemen and an aztec calender that missed it’s mark
fuck me back to life. hard so I can get that rush I need
I’ve been to hell and back but they liked me so much they gave me an eternal five star suite

.

love is just evol spelled backwards
love is just future pain
love is just a mess
love is
you finish that sentence because I need a fresh perspective
robust and ready to return to dust
today, in this moment, life is shit
but maybe happiness is the greatest myth ever told
I’m not chasing happiness
I’m chasing a void in my stomach that I can’t fill with chicken teriyaki or rice milk
I’m chasing an abdominal vortex desperately desiring destiny

.

What do you know about pregnancy?
I’ll tell you I’m about to come full term
the baby is almost ready
the alien is kicking and screaming to be unleashed
it’s time to be true to myself
to not fear my inner voice and rise above opinion and external contra-dick-shun
i falter but i never fail
never
but… you know I’m tired…right?

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