So, some trivial shit happened about an hour ago:
*Nephew pulls pins out of board, I lose my shit and pick them all up*
Me: Mom, where do we keep the pins?
Mom: How about, instead o-
Me: Uh, I just want t-
Mom: YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOU BROTHER… AND YOUR FATHER!!!
Me: Mom, I just want to know where-
Mom: WHY, YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!
At this point, no one would tell me where to leave them, so I just left them on the table, my sister comes into my room, throws them all over my bed, and yells at me for leaving pins where a toddler can reach them…
Like I said, trivial shit, but really, trivial shit is what gets people thinking.
So I started thinking about things, like how today, we were supposed to go out and have fun and shit, and how I’ve apparently single-handedly ruined it: I got up too late (no one told me what was happening), I shouldn’t have smacked my nephew for fighting tooth and nail (literally) to get in one of the cupboards, I was apparently rude to my mom, I left pins where a toddler can reach them, etc.
And I also thought about how everyone just leaves me in my room, how no one ever wants to do anything with me, how hardly any of my friends talk to me now because it’s not convenient for them, how my dad only ever talks to me when we’re arguing, he’s telling shitty jokes or he needs me to help him with something, how they get particularly mad when I leave anything around the house because it’s betraying my presence, how they’ve never introduced me to most of their friends, how whenever they’re angry at someone or each other, they mostly just take it out on me or make me pick sides, how everyone is reluctant to help me or take any of my problems seriously, how I’m always and invariably in the wrong, no matter how trivial or how serious.
How everyone generally just gets along better without me bothering them.
So I have a question: Really, who cares?
Pick your poison: I just get in everyone’s way all the time, I get upset about trivial shit (even if it’s not trivial shit), I should just keep everything to myself and pretend to be happy, because that makes everyone else happy, I’m an ’emo’ kid which means I must be a ‘******’ or a ‘*****’, I must like shit music and I probably worship satan, I’m transgender, which must mean I’m disturbed, disgusting, someone touched me when I was a kid, I’m going to burn in hell, I’m really just super gay and/or a drag queen, I just want to give up and die, which must mean I’m lazy, not trying hard enough, not good at anything important, I don’t have many friends, which must mean I’m a hermit, a sociopath, a creep, I’m creative, which must mean I don’t want a real job, once again, I’m not good at anything else, once again, I’m a ‘******’ or a ‘*****’, or I’m destined to be poor, I should get my shit together and pick up a trade (even though I’m already qualified for mechanics and hospitality), I’m trying to lose weight, which must mean I should do sports, I’m a nerd, etc.
TL;DR: I’m evidently a human punching bag and I don’t deserve to be anything else.
6 comments
That is a lot to put up with. hugs. Do you have someone you feel you can talk to sometimes that really listens?
Myself.
if you want to just talk sometimes you can email me if you like…. my username at hotmail
You don’t deserve any of that.
I was going to write a longer reply, but that’s the most important part.
You can email me too if you want (my email is in my profile). Just don’t keep it bottled up. 🙂 You need to be able to get that stuff off your chest, it’s too much to carry round on your own.
Well, I told my dad about what mom said, he’s upset now, he was going to get takeaway too, so now I feel fucking great, I’ve completely ruined everyone’s day with all my ‘negative shit’, as my ‘loving’ sister calls it.
This is what happens when I try to get stuff off my chest 😀
It’s not your fault at all! Your mum was unkind – you can’t help that.