Isn’t it funny how you can have people all around you but feel so lonely? I feel guilty because I have a good life- a good job, a husband, a nice house, a family that cares about me. I just can’t seem to find any happiness in it. We have a gun in our home and I find myself fantasizing about how easy it would be to end it all. Then I chicken out because I’m useless.
Why can’t I just be normal? I am faking being put together every day and it’s so exhausting I just can’t do it anymore. I just want to fall apart but I can’t because everyone expects so much from me. This isn’t my first time. The first time I was 16 and ended up in a hospital until I faked being better enough that they let me out.
I just don’t see the point in it anymore. You have to work all the time to get by then bad things happen and you die. I am so tired of being in my head, I hate myself most of all.
12 comments
don’t you love him? you have people….. not many are fortunate as you.
Yea didn’t I say in my post I feel guilty about it?
yeah. I don’t want to offend you. just want you to know how lucky you are 🙂 what makes you not happy then?
Sorry about that, I’m not offended… what you said is the same thought that runs through my head all the time and I was tired of hearing it. It’s easy to think having people around will medicate your sadness but it doesn’t. It feels like I’m broken or something I feel uncomfortable and awkward all the time.
what makes you broken? something from your past? there is always a hidden reason as to why we have certain feelings in us. negative ones are harder to accept or find what started them. just remember there are worse things out in the world. use it as a mantra, I do it, even though I feel my life is the worst of the worst.
It’s probably my obsessive need to be perfect mixed with an intense fear of rejection.
ive been there! LOVE YOURSELF. if you feel he is going to break things off with you(if that is the rejection I assume you have fear of), then he wasn’t the one? :/ . there are ways to renovate a marriage.
Can’t you reach out to your husband? Or to your family? If they care they might be able to help you out.
Faking is indeed pretty exhausting. Can’t you try and tell your husband at least how you feel? Maybe even subtly at first?
I am sure you have no reason to hate yourself.
You can be with thousands of people and still feel alone. I understand this. I don’t blame you for feel and I certainly won’t tell you to be happy. The fact of the matter is that this is how you feel. To make you feel less alone you should talk with someone, perhaps a counselor or therapist…start there figure and then go from there. Speaking with your spouse may also be a good idea… he is after all your partner in life and is there to support you. By talking about it you may end up feeling less alone… Worth a shot?
In Canada counselling services can be covered by the health plan here if money is an issue.
Hang in there…. just a day at a time.
I’m hoping for you…
Sometimes… I wish they would put me in a hospital. Maybe then everyone would realize just how badly I am handling everything. Like, maybe then they might care. But then I remember that no one cares in the end, and you have to think about yourself. I’m planning on committing in December and sometimes, I feel like I’ll finally be at peace.
I’ve tried a few times to talk to my husband about it. He says he can’t understand it and doesn’t know what to do or say.
Does he at least try?
I guess it is hard for others to understand what’s it’s like but maybe try and say it in a way he’ll understand better?
If he can’t at all, and if you can’t figure what’s causing you to feel this bad and how to pusgh through it, maybe insted just let him know you need some help? Outside help i mean, since he doesn’t know what to do.
You don’t need to be perfect and it shouldn’t matter what is expected from you.
You should do what you like, what makes you happy and what makes you feel better, without caring much what others think.