What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of my life is dominated by fear. So why not lay it out. What’s the worst thing that I can imagine?

I suppose it’s experiencing neverending pain, torment, horror, terror etc. That’s what ideas of hell tend to invoke. It’s hard to imagine feeling that kind of extreme negative emotion non-stop, for all eternity. Surely you’d become numb to any kind of torture, given enough time. But I can’t dismiss it entirely. The idea of hell has a deep grip on a part of my psyche. Because it feels I deserve that kind of punishment. I can’t really square that with my rational side. I mean, regardless of the wrong you do others in this life, and the pain you inflict, how can you ever truly deserve neverending torment as a punishment? Even with the most genocidal of dictators, surely there’s a point where the punishment outweighs the crime. But there it is. If I found myself in biblical fire and brimstone hell, a part of me would be screaming ‘I deserve this!’

I suppose a less visceral idea of hell would be being stuck with your own neurosis, your own misery, for all time, incapable of change or progression, isolated from other beings. Essentially being left to torment yourself, stuck in an endless loop.

Of course, any idea of an afterlife depends on consciousness somehow being able to exist and experience beyond space and time. While I’m not sure how that could be possible, I don’t feel able to rule it out.

So that’s the afterlife taken care of. On to this life.

I suppose I’m afraid of never experiencing any kind of fulfilling relationship. Of continuing to be lonely for the rest of my life, always on the outside. I think I feel this more than most people, because there’s aspects of myself that are genuinely abhorrent and unacceptable, which I don’t think I can change. It’s not just what I’ve done, but the reasons I did it, and what it says about who I am as a person. I can’t see how anyone could possibly tolerate being around me, knowing that. There’s things that mark people as scary, or repulsive, or both – that say to anyone sane ‘keep away.’

Other than that – I suppose I’m afraid of the things I’ve done catching up with me – of retribution. I’m scared of the violence, pain, etc. that I have coming to me.

I’m afraid of the stigma, rejection, and condemnation that I deserve. I’m afraid of the effect it could have on my freedom, ability to survive etc.

I guess I’m also afraid of how we’re changing this planet, as a species, and what it’ll mean for our society. It seems like it’ll get harder and harder to survive. Increased desertification, massive species die-offs, rising sea levels and natural disasters, increased conflict over resources, triggering huge refugee crises. What is it going to be like to live in a world where so many are displaced? How will society cope with the damage to infrastructure, food production, and increase in global population? I’m sure privileged white westerners will be the last to feel it, but surely there’ll be a point where even our safe little bubble collapses. And even if it doesn’t come to that, what will it mean for our societies, having to turn away ever greater numbers of desperate refugees. How callous will we have to become to the suffering of others?