I know no one one is really listening, but I have no where else to go…………
Well I fucked up again, for the 3 millionth time. I posted something on facebook and I was in my head if you know what I mean. I said something about my family (well my moms side) and it was about money. I said ” november, but being nice enough anymore people are going to treat you like shit no matter what you do especially if you dont have a job even your brothes treat you like shit no matter what you do when it comes to people liking you it always depends on how much money you have and that’s it so good luck ?” and that’s how I feel. When I lived here before they would get mad at me and fuss at me, if they had a problem with me instead of coming to me individual and talking to me they would have a family meeting and take the time to all vent at once. When I didn’t have a job then I wasn’t really worth much I don’t have a license of a car so I could understand how they felt, but the thing I didn’t get was she they would make fun of me behind my back. They would make fun of each other to the face but with me it was always behind my back and if I said anything about it they would deny it or pretend like they didn’t say anything. I remember once we had a family meeting and my mother said I give them a reason to make fun of me, so basically its all my fault. Every time I played a bill or gave someone some money people talked to me more they made sure I ate, they still talked about me behind my back but not as much. When I don’t have any money I was always doing something wrong or i wasn’t doing enough. So my first mistake was the post itself my second mistake was well when I posted it, instead of it saying “people liking you” it said ” people like you” (gods sense of humor again), and instead of leaving it kik I is I went back and changed it. I think they are going to beat me up this time. I know they will be angry, but its how they resolve things between themselves sometimes. Its not something I’m use to but they grew up with it. The only thing I’m worried about is if my mom buys me a plane ticket back to that small home town that ran away from. If that happens then I will have to kill myself sooner rather then later, I cant go back there I wont. I still don’t have the things I need to do it painlessly but I will take the pain if I means I don’t have to go back there. Things just keep getting worse. I wish I could tell them how I really felt, I wish I could tell them I cant turn this off but now it doesn’t matter what I say its all over. Well I guess I’m living up to my damn name after all. Well that’s all I guess I had more but I cant remember it. It dosnt matter anyway no one is going to read this.
19 comments
May i ask you a question??? How old are you? (If you don’t feel comfortable don answer)
Close to 30
Sorry for that situation, it doesn’t sound easy. I don’t know you, or your family, but if you feel nothing matters anymore, maybe try telling your mom how your really feel. After all if you feel douce lost everything, you’ve got nothing to lose. Of course, if your mom is a heartless *****, it may not change much, except knowing you tried. But, I don’t think a heartless mom who doesn’t care would send a plane ticket to bring her son home.
I always felt so inferior to my sister. She was good at sports, did her homework nd had lots of friends. I always thought she judged me. One Christmas I was visiting my family and it was the first time I was with my family in the same house since moving to Europe. They made me feel like I was 10 yrs old again. Like all the growing I did while away from them didn’t count. I wasn’t eating properly and wasn’t taking my meds regularly. I had a total break down. I have never raised my voice to my mom, but I could hear myself yelling at her to shut up. I was so ashamed but it wasn’t me, I couldn’t stop it. I went to the washroom, it was the only place I felt comfortable at that time. And kicked myself in, I wanted to leave. My sister tried to get in, but I didn’t want the person who made me feel the biggest failure to see me ashamed and in a pile on the Floor. She convinced me.I turned to stone. She wanted to hold me. I wanted to hit myself. She stopped me. She hugged me. It felt foreign. Then it felt, well like love. I started to cry again, then we talked. For the first time she heard how I really felt, a fraud, a failure. For the first time I heard how she felt. That she was somehow in my shadow. She took care of me in a way I never thought possible, or expected. But also in a way that made me feel safe.
Anyway, my sister saw the real broken fragile me, and instead of judging, she just held me and lived me unconditionally. Today, our relationship is a gift to me.
I know it’s not the same, but sometimes our families don’t realise how cracked we are. Don’t appreciate how hard we fight to stay away from the edge. But sometimes, sharing that side of ourselves with them allows them to fill some of the emptiness and share some of the pain.
Wish you the best.
I don’t know about sharing my feeling my mom said once that you can’t have a conversation when your crying. And I cry all the time she got mad at me once for crying and everyone always laughs at me when I do. And I can’t really tell her the truth because I have no proof. So eather way I’m fucked its not going to make a difference. But thank you
TheLoner,
Be careful what you say about others, stop lashing out, your problems are your own, you can tell the truth about your miserable situation that you created, and if valid you might get some help, you atract more bees with honey than shit.
? ??
Honey ?
Rocketman
Honey never worked for me eather
Why should I have to be careful of what I say. No one else has to. But because its me I have to have a filter. And eather way people still hate me. It didn’t matter, I don’t matter untill someone wants to make me feel kik shit so they can feel better that’s it. I’m not good enough. I was never good enough. I should be here.
TheLoner2,
HONEY DOSEN’T ALWAYS WORK! , and because others aren’t careful of what they say that doesn’t mean you should jump on the band wagon, it just makes thing worse. work on becomming good enough, i myself don’t care what people say i ignore it i concider the source.
I have ever right to say what I want to. This I what I feel. This is how people make me feel. And this I the one place where I thought I could come and express my feeling. But obviously I can’t even do that here without someone telling me I cant.
Thanks but I really don’t think its going to work I’ve tried before and my mom got mad at me. Even if i did have proof it wouldn’t matter. It really just doesn’t matter
Like I said, I don’t know you, your circumstances, or your mom. But if you think it’s hopeless, why not. Maybe don’t look at it as you looking for help or to be understood, but as giving your mom one last chance to prove she is worth YOUR time. If she needs proof, and your being honest, well, maybe that’s her failure not yours. Maybe try writing it down and giving it to her. And tell her how her actions are hurting you. Maybe she thinks you are stronger than you right now. Maybe she sees you hurting and it hurts her and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Maybe she won’t care, and if not well then she is the loser and not you.
If you reduce your options to keeping things inside and ending your life, what’s to lose in letting go of a bit of the hurt your family causes you by telling them. You only risk confirming they’re kind of ass holes, but you may end up building a better understanding. Eitherway at least you tried.
Anyway, wish you some peace today, (not the everlasting kind, just some rest from the anguish to give u some strength to try to fight at least on more step.)
Thanks but I really don’t think its going to work I’ve tried before and my mom got mad at me. Even if i did have proof it wouldn’t matter. It really just doesn’t matter
Would cutting ties with your family help? Idk, for me, an some of the ppl I know who are not so confident, we see ourselves so critically, and brutally, we hold ourselves to a standard we would never consider attainable for someone else. And because of that, we look at everything as confirmation of how inadequate people see us. But, as hard as it is, sometimes, the more we think we know who we are, the less we are able to see who people actually see. Ppl suck, do do we sometimes, and that ok. Everybody fucks things up, not everybody tries to them.
TBH, ur mom sounds harsh, but maybe just an email to tell her how you see your relationship with her and how that impacts your life. If she gets mad, well, you expect it so no loss. And, maybe being able to say I KNOW it won’t work instead of I don’t think it would work, would give you some piece of mind.
I’ll stop now, you seem to know that you don’t se a point in doing it. That it won’t change the relationship, but just maybe, it will change the relationship u have with yourself….
I was ready to give up. Hmm give up isn’t the right phrase, I was ready move on. But I figured, if I’m ready to move on, I have as much or as little time as I want. So I may as well try whatever. So, I’m moving half way across the world, from a big city, to my small town that I never imagined moving back to, to be around a few ppl I feel I owe giving life a shot and owe my final stage, if it comes to that, a break from what I’m living now. Do I really want to? No. Do I expect to have a long life? I have no clue, and THAT is something that shouldn’t matter.
So, at least think about trying whatever. The final choice is always there. Maybe giving up on ur family will open up a field of options u never thought about before.
Fuck your family, forgive yourself ?
Best to try to mend bridges with family. But if your family are toxic towards you then it may be better to cut then out of your life for a bit. The only reason I say that is because it’s not good for your wellbeing to have people in your life that make you feel like you’re not good enough. Focus on yourself.
My daughter just posted one of those videos o facebook where she is holding up cards saying how she feels. a lot was about her dad. did she have the right to say how she feels? yes. does she have to accept the consequences fr her actions? yes.
? I accept the consequences of my actions like I said the only thing I don’t want to happen is going back where I ran away from. I don’t want to do that. And I probably will cut ties with them they never really cared about me before I was 18 so I don’t really think it would matter at this point. I might answers my moms calls every once in a while if she even wants to talk to me, but other then that. I’m pretty sure it over.
to keep from going back where you came from and you don’t want to be again you just have to keep doing the next best thing. i know, so easy. lol