Afraid to be better

I’ve been feeling a bit better lately. I got a few calls for job interviews and even though I don’t have a guaranteed job yet I don’t feel as anxious about it. I just stared on antidepressants and counseling. My counselor is very nice which I’m glad because I was very nervous with her being from the same hospital at the horrible doctor I’ve talked about before. Even though things aren’t perfect and parts of me are still sad I don’t feel as consumed by it lately. But I’m also very fearful, it’s hard feeling for me to explain. I’ve been depressed since I was 11 and I don’t know who I am if I’m not depressed or lying about being happy. I honestly don’t know how to be happy, or how to build something. Somehow it was easier for me to see dying as my future rather than actually coming up with a plan for the future. I know that I’m not cured or all better already and it will probably hit me hard again soon, but for right I’m doing better. I know this sounds supremely messed up, but is anyone else terrified to get better?