I’ve been feeling worse and worse. Today in class I didn’t make the effort to open my notebook and take notes. I blankly stared at the slideshows and pretended to be engaging in class.
I tried to start on the three essays that are due tomorrow for my Communications class but greatly failed as I spent time watching videos on YouTube trying to keep myself alive. I lied to my mom about my second class of the day and told her that once again my teacher cancelled class so I could just go to my psych appointment and then we could go home.
I should probably try acting.
I met with my psychologist and tried to tell him how I’ve been feeling but … He only focused on another theme we’ve been talking about and pushed my feelings to the side and said I should just do the breathing exercises he taught me. I tried. I tried to open up to him and tell him how I was doing but I don’t think it really helped. He told me I could go see the psychiatrist for a higher dose of my meds or try different ones..
I’ve been feeling like shit today. Like total and utter shit. Came back home and slept for 2 hours until my mother came and woke me up. I had dinner and then tried to start homework … And here I am. 2 hours later with nothing written down and only my thoughts keeping me awake and far away from that homework. I tried so hard to tell my mom that I wanted to drop my communications class.. but of course “why am I so pathetic?”
I still don’t know what to do. I’ve been checking rehab places but unfortunately I do not have insurance so all of those places are probably way too expensive for me, so I feel like I have nowhere to go. I am so tempted on dropping the class and not tell my mom but then I’ll probably end beat up by her or at least verbally abused and feel even WORSE. That class asks so much from me and at the beginning I had it, I wanted it. But right now. I can’t. I just can’t do it.
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I can talk from personal experience. I dropped out of college and it was the worst and best decision of my life. Worst being I had nothing to keep my mind off of trying to kill myself. Best being I had plenty of time. So much time that my wife divorced me(of 28 years) because of how I reacted to losing my job because I was injured during my job. I felt like I actually made friends at college. But after I left, all of my “friends” didn’t bother to ask or even contact me. I don’t really know what to say, I am just jumbling up stuff. I try to survive day by day. With constant push downs from my ex-wife.
I appreciate you sharing your rambles with me and I understand that part of “friends” not reaching out to you or just not keeping in contact. Happened when I graduated high school, those “friends” I used to have are nothing more than Facebook friends. For now, I’ll see how I do this semester with my depression and anxiety and at least try but we’ll see.
Six years, three colleges, gave up, no degree. Boy was that a bad idea!
When my son turned down a scholarship to Drexel because “he wasn’t ready,” I nearly had a stroke. Just a few weeks ago he finally admitted, “Boy was that a bad idea!” He found out minimum wage is not a living wage. No. Shit. Sherlock.
I figure the only way I’m going to get a college degree now is if I happen to help a random powerful university provost dispose of a dead hooker.
Understandable. I wonder if my college has any secret hooker classrooms where they might be hiding them..