Felt like dying since i was 12

Im a couple months away from being 30 and i have felt like dying every single day since I was 12 years old. I remember the exact day i realized i didnt want to live. I have friends, i date, i have things im passionate about, a good job. Nothing traumatic happened to me in my youth. I just dont have whatever biological imperative that makes people want to live. My closest friends and mother know about it. My mom is the reason i havent, ive begged her to let me go. I dont want to transfer my pain to her, i want her to understand her son wakes up everyday wishing he was dead. I was hospitalized once over it. No one ive ever talked to has understood. The psychologists and counselors ive gone too couldnt help me in the slightest. Pills dont help me because mine isnt a periodic bad mood, im generally in a good mood. I just dont want to live. Everyday i get closer and closer to just doing it. I know it will hurt people but its oretty selfish thst people who claim to love me would wish for me to live in such pain. I know that unless im in an accident i will die my my own hand, feels like soon. Thought about it tonight… i think sbout it every night. I have 50 vicodin stashed for when the time comes.