After stating nearly a month ago that I wanted to participate in this community more, I’ve been silent. Part of it, I’m only slightly ashamed to admit, is damage to my ego: for some odd reason, I thought people would care more. That’s not supposed to an accusation against you, please understand: it’s just me overestimating my value. Overestimating myself has happened more often than I’d like.
Regardless, the majority reason I didn’t follow through on coming around here more is that my mood rebounded. September 2015 has gone really well for me: pretty much everything has broken my way, starting with getting closure on a metaphorical ghost that’s been haunting me for five years. I’ve been incredibly busy, making art and silly YouTube videos, and haven’t had the chance to come back. Plus, given that I’ve been happy, I wasn’t sure that being here was what anyone would really want or appreciate.
But moods don’t last, and I knew I was going to crash. Last night, something happened that, frankly, if I broke down specifics, you all would be grabbing torches and pitchforks to run me out of here for my brazenness to complain about it. Yet that brings me to my point: while the specific doesn’t matter in this case, I find it annoying that my moods seem to be tied to an inevitable cycle where my brain will just latch on to the tiniest problem and blow it out of proportion. It’s almost like, if I have nothing to feel bad about, my mind will seek out something just so I can attack myself.
I don’t believe in pseudosciences, such as chakras, yet I’ve found a bizarre fascination with biorhythms. I don’t strictly believe in them either, insofar as that they can predict your moods far into the future, but I do see a strange pattern of moodiness for myself. If my mood spends too long in an elevated state, it crashes with alarming regularity. We all have good days and bad days, but mine seem to follow a pattern. Do any of you experience this as well?
Maybe it was always going to happen regardless. A friend of one of the most prominent YouTubers out there recently committed suicide, and the information was publicly shared last night too. Maybe it was on my mind before the incident that led to my mood crash; maybe the information indirectly led to the incident in the first place. Whatever the real order and relationship of events, all I know is that I spent the last 19 days at the top of my game, then read about a suicide and had something embarrassing happen to me, and now my mood is back to its usual state: self-loathing and self-angry. I really hate myself and my brain sometimes.
Still… I’ll try to do better. Things are settling down from my burst of productiveness. Even if I can’t do much around here, I hope to help at least one person. That’s… not an unadmirable goal, right?
1 comment
When you’ve been depressed for a long time it’s easy to relapse back, because somehow you get used to that feeling, so if you’re doing great, the slightest hint of things going back to being bad… you go back yourself to it. Stupid isn’t it? but it does happen. It’s great that you know yourself that it wasn’t a big thing, because you might be able to fend it off eventually.
I do remember your past post btw, i think i even replied to it, but the thing is… here nobody is “extra special” or something like that… if you read some of the posts in the span of a few days you’d notice why. Nothing against you, but people just reply to whatever they can, whenever they feel like. Feel free to do the same, and i do hope your mood goes back to what it was a couple of days ago.