I have been diagnosed with depression recently. It took one trigger to bring back the feelings of isolation, loneliness and rejection from the past. To make it worse, my lack of self-worth underpins all of this and I feel like it will never get better. I am actually afraid of making new friends or forming new relationships because I fear rejection that much.
What perpetuates it is that I am an atheist within a Muslim family and community. If I come out about it, I face rejection from everyone. So I have to hide who I am and pretend to pray. This in itself makes me feel even more isolated.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. I am on meds, but they aren’t really helping. I have spoken to my doctor about changing it but he said I should wait a month before deciding that. In the meanwhile, each day is a struggle and I just simply cannot hang on anymore.
I have decided to end it all because I see no hope in terms of my situation. I know I will be hurting my friends, family, university friends and lecturers (as they all know about the depression). But it feels like this is best for me.
Just knowing that it will be all over soon makes me feel a sense of peace and contentment.
I am not sure why I put this on here but I felt I had to vent about it.
1 comment
Please, please, please do not resort to ending your life. I dealt with suicidal thoughts for 9 months because I was made to feel worthless by my mom and thought that if I couldn’t please her of all people, then why am I here..? Then it hit me that, even though she is my mom and a part of my family, I have to make myself happy first. Her opinions and criticism toward me began to affect me less and less, and I began thinking “if I think this is right for me, then I will do it.” A year and a half later, I am still alive and could not be happier. yes, I still have “those days” but I am stronger now that I’ve dealt with it all and getting through those days has become easier. Please…stay. ?