Who here has social anxiety that extends to the internet? It’s a lot easier to share my thoughts online, and it doesn’t bother me who reads, but talking to people directly via comments sends me into a state of panic. Even positives comments leave me flustered to the point that I have to close my browser and go do something else for a little while. Here, making comments on news stories, youtube videos; all so nerve wracking.
I figure that most people are their bodies, or have convinced themselves that they are their bodies, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m inside my body controlling it. All of my interactions with living creatures, whether human or animal, is strained because I don’t feel the full effect of socializing and closeness. My body does; my body wants a full life with all the bells and whistles, but it never ever feels right. I never feel present, in the moment. My body is susceptible to time, but I exist somewhere that is timeless.
Derealization, depersonalization, something in between. My body went through puberty but I didn’t; I can tell the difference between something that I want, and something my body wants. It pokes me and says, “hey look, a woman.” but I have no practical use for one in my life. I’m definitely holding myself back, like the flu, but I don’t want the life that my body wants. It sounds nice, wife, kids, house in the burbs with a white picket fence, high paying career, muscles, but it’s too much heavy lifting and change for my taste.
I don’t want it, but my body does. There’s no real struggle as I’m mostly in control of my actions thanks to weed, but I wonder if I’m actually dysfunctional or more normal than I think. I wonder if I should be fighting so hard against the will of my biology. It’s just that, life gets messy when you add other people to it. Showering this morning, I thought of how clean my bathroom and overall apartment are, and how filthy it’d be if I lived with someone else. I’ve got some serious hangups and keeping things spotless is one of them.
I told some people on here that it’s not hard to meet women if they’re committed to the idea, and I truly believe that. Thing is, I’m not committed at all, but my body is.
2 comments
Posting a story invites comments. Yet you don’t seem to be freaked out by that. Interesting.
Having comment anxiety… Wow. Never in a million years would think that would be a thing. But I’m old enough to know anything is possible.
TPHG, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT REPLYING TO THIS COMMENT! IT’S OK! Also, your name has no vowels. That must make things hard for you.
Yes, yes, the damn body and hormones can make you crave all sorts of things. The brain vs body fight is a huge thing. It can make you feel like twice as many things are trying to pull you apart. Occasionally, the brain and body agree on the same things and it is very powerful.
Since I was 13 my brain and body both agreed that women were the most wonderful thing ever created. For the next five years there was absolutely no coordination about how to actually go about getting next to these heavenly creatures. The body was always screening SHOW HER THE PENIS! The brain was having trouble forming complete sentences.
Finally, in college they agreed upon a game plan. Things have been pretty sweet ever since.
They still fight over food, exercise, sleep, and drugs. Sometimes bitterly. So it goes.
I’m actually the same way. I thought I was the only one. I believe it comes from a fear of rejection. I don’t know, perhaps that’s just my experience with it. There are some beautiful people I love talking to on here but there is always that deep down fear they’ll reject me just like everyone else has in my life. No one knows who I am offline here, but that doesn’t stop my paranoia.
I also understand the conflict between mind and body. I’m afraid of becoming too attached to someone or them becoming too attached to me. I just want to be alone but a part of me wants to end this loneliness. Everything could go wrong and I’ll also have to learn how to come home to someone when I just want to be alone. I don’t know why I want to be alone so much when being alone is making me sad. T__T
Don’t worry, no judgement.