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by takemeplease

It’s hard for me to BE here…It’s hard to BE a person. I’ve been sad, hurting and lonely for so long, it’s changed me…… Forever. I don’t say the right things. I talk to much when I’m with “people,” because I’ve been desperately alone suffering for so long. I WAS a people person. People are mean. Life is mean. Kids are mean. Husbands are mean. I feel like I’m never good enough, there is a list being written. It’s a long list of my faults, of my mistakes, of my inadequacy. It’s like the damn Grocery List my family keeps adding to. It gets longer and longer. – the more you ignore it…. The faster time marches on…… Even little things people say, make me feel awful. In reality, it’s nothing. YET IN my head, it’s a bomb or a war. I don’t even remember or even resemble the girl/woman I once was. Actually, I think that person is something I imagined. A product of my youth. I have no desire or will to LIVE. I ask the LORD to take my life, in the place of another. TAKE ME! Not the sick child! TAKE Me! Not the young mother! TAKE ME! Not the Marine! All the time, I beg… I plead… I’ve been thinking this, and saying this OUT LOUD to Him for years. I’m being brutally honest here. I’m on medication. Have been for 16 years. Tried everything—- every kind. Doctors, maybe their smart, but they can’t fix it all the time…. They don’t know it or understand it. It’s a disease! A killer! Most people have no idea that you’re dying. Is there a research facility with scientists working on a CURE? Depression is a life threatening, deadly ILLNESS that you CAN die from. IN my life, I’ve known or been close to 4 people that have died…. It’s like cancer, diabetes, heart disease—- you may survive or you may die. It’s a PAINFUL way to die. It’s a slow killer. It creeps and sneaks up on you, like ghosts and ghouls in a haunted house attraction at a theme park. Lurking. Always there. If life throws shit on you—over and over and over – you get scared – you panic – you hide, bury, disguise…. Hiding is the first stage of the end. Then you accept it. Then you beg for it to be over. IF you don’t know the Lord from some point in your life (no matter how small) – a Sunday School class, a Vacation Bible School, a Youth Group, etc….. It must be a seed that’s established inside of you. Even so, you may still die. YOU loose. You loose you’re LIFE to the disease. Death may not happen, although the life is harder to live than the death. This is the life and pain that is depression. It’s agony. –41 year old Mother of 3 lovely daughters- 22, 18, and 16 years old. Please Lord, don’t let them get sick.


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Katki 9/11/2015 - 1:29 pm

I am 49 – I feel your pain – I am in the exact place you speak of – Every night I pray that God will take me – Last night I dreamed I was ripped to shreds by a mountain lion – I was so utterly disappointed when I woke up this morning. I have 2 daughters and 2 sons – we are very similar it seems.
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this, because I know how extremely hopeless you feel and it hurts, it hurts so much.

takemeplease 9/12/2015 - 4:14 pm

Thanks for telling me your story. I’m just tired of this feeling and the words in my head that make me feel worthless. I always say that I can’t find my JOY. Although I have a holiday rug that says JOY, I leave it out, so I can say-“look there it is.. My Joy” it’s a mat. A rug! Pathetic. This isn’t a life. I’m a product of my Life. I wonder, if my choices had been different.. Would I feel this way?

ironman22 9/12/2015 - 4:20 pm

I question that myself every day@I wonder, if my choices had been different.. Would I feel this way?

I wonder…I wonder….I wonder. Mostly likely not. Times I feel that we are designed to fail, well, at least some of us. Maybe we are the lessons in life to teach others. Others get to feel great and we get shit upon. We are the lessons and they are the students.

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