The Signs

When you constantly think about suicide you start to recognize the signs of others who are thinking about it. You notice they mimic some of the things you do. When you’re thinking about self harm and you tug at your sleeves and close your eyes to try and stop thinking about letting blood come from your arms. Or when you play with your necklace trying not to think of it as a noose. You notice when others cringe and close their eyes. When they hold back their tears because no one really cares about what’s going on. We notice but we never really try to talk to them, because 1.) we don’t want them to ask how we knew so we never have to tell them “us too.” Or B.) because we don’t want to know that even those who want help couldn’t care less that you need it as well. When you’re crying in class and you tell the teacher “it’s allergies” and they never push you to talk. You want to scream, “I’M DYING. PLEASE HELP ME!” but we don’t say that because we already know when we’re dead. Sometimes we wish that someone would see the signs, but the fact of the matter is that if we said, “I’m fine” and someone told us, “I know you’re not” most of us would shut down anyways; because numbness is the only thing we feel now…