In the last couple days I am always crying, and most of the time for no reason and I can’t stop. I cry in bed, I laid down in floor and cry, I cry in front of the pc, at the window, while walking like a zombie in bedroom. And then I stop crying and I am without feelings, just there, quiet and empty. And sometimes when I cry I go from “I am going to kill myself right now” to “What? I want to live” to “I hate this universe!!” in a matter of seconds and several times in a row. Even the smallest thing makes me cry.
In the other day I decided to go out with my friends. I was sick of being all day home alone and I thought it was a good idea and that was going to be fun and I was going to be funny and talkative and my feelings would go away. But then there I made an effort so big just to not cry that I had to leave sooner. It was impossible to stay there. I was surrounded by people but I felt so lonely and so invisible. I couldn’t feel my hands or my legs, I couldn’t think or talk or even focus. In my head there were only thoughts of hate and ideas like jumping from the bridge, or get in a car way and other suicide things. I wanted to run away, to punch them and run away screaming like a lunatic. I wanted to cry and scream. So I said I was tired and went home. And I hate myself so much. I hate myself so much for being this pathetic human being. When I arrived home and everybody went to bed I wrote my suicide note and laid in floor crying for almost one hour until I went to bed and tried to sleep.
In July I planned my birthday with my friend (my birthday is next week) because I wanted and want him to come and for he didn’t mark other things in that day. What happens? Other friends go camping next week, he says he is going and maybe can’t come here because two days after my birthday has a family trip. And says more, says that he didn’t know about my birthday and if I had planned things first he would come. I just lost control, like always, I started saying bad things and that he was stupid and that I hate him and much more. This is always happening, one second I am calm and then, boom, I start saying bad things like those. And then I calm down and I apologize and I say I love him as a brother, but soon something happens that makes me lose control (sometimes just not answering the phone) I just start shooting again.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t even know if this is real or I made up everything, I don’t know if this is just my imagination. I don’t know how to make things right, I have no idea. I hate myself so much, I feel so pathetic.
1 comment
Firstly, you’re not pathetic. You’re struggling with the things that are in your head. I’m not making light… and fortunately there likely is help for you.
I’m not a dr but I have ideas as to what you have going on. There are treatments available but you need to make a first step by either visiting with your family practitioner or by going to have hospital. If you have family it would be a very good idea to speak with them. Talking about what’s going on is very important same too is for them to listen.
I’m glad you took the time to post a little about yourself here. It’s a start. But it is important for your health to seek out help in real life too. Don’t be shy…. you’d be surprised at how much help there really is available.