I have been feeling alright for the last 2 weeks, didn’t have any massive anxiety or worries, I was able to enjoy the things that I usually enjoy. For people who knows the feeling it is a signal that your depression is away/lessened 🙂
Last Friday and this weekend was especially good, I even enjoyed food and considered doing some sports. Didn’t have any suicidal thoughts, which I have several times every day normally. So, lets say I was feeling good.
But of course it doesn’t stay like that does it, everything came back with full force again today. Anxiety again, worries again, writing here on SP so suicidal thoughts again… I had this up and down feelings so many times the last 6 months I really lost count. Feeling ok for a few days, then again feeling absolutely terrible. Feeling good for a couple of days then again it is all anxiety and worries. Now, the idea of not existing, the idea of nothingness feels like and endless peace and relief.
I don’t think this will end good. I think it will end yes, but just not good. This is not ok, it is not worth to live like that, it wasn’t meant to be like this I was doing so good 10 years ago what the hell happened? I have absolutely NO resemblance to that person I was 10 years ago in terms of happiness&outlook on life. What happened that I changed so much?
11 comments
Do you do anything to treat the depression? I used to be rather like that – I’d be better and then shoot back down again, and then better. But I wasn’t doing anything to treat it… just hoping that it’d stay easier and hoping it’d change again after it got more severe. It was a painful mental struggle, but I wasn’t changing anything. My family always tried to persuade me to see a doctor or counsellor, which I was too anxious to make the decision to do… and at the time I grew to believe that was all you could do if you wanted to make a change.
At the beginning I did try and I was successful, but after some period of time those things stopped working. Nowadays I’m just living with it and I’m not sure if I want to treat it because the better I feel the quicker it comes back. And it is not all in my mind, some new things are happening every week, and then whenever I get bad news I totally go back to anxiety/depression.
I relate completely. If i have a controlled sense of ok days nothing happens. If i have a couple of good ones tho? depression hits back real hard for whatever reason (external or internal). The most logical answer would be that the fear of losing that being fine feeling makes you depressed, but it’s different for everyone. Life also throws stuff at the worst of times. Living with it (no therapy nor treatment) doesn’t make it any easier either, so i try to take it day by day, but i’d be lying if i didn’t say that i get scared every time that i have a good day.
Exactly Mf, whever I’m feeling good, I’m always telling myself that it cannot be right there must be a problem somewhere. The worst thing is that sometimes I’m RIGHT. Because of my life/what I do I need to be very careful otherwise I’m in deep trouble. A couple of times this “There must be something wrong.” feeling saved me great troubles, and more often I was just being paranoid. It is very hard to decide when to worry and when not in this case.
It’s funny because i do that too. That foreshadowing has saved me a few times, but when i put it in doubt it tends to bite back. What i learned from it is to doubt everything until proven wrong, but in a reasonable way (ie: having different options lined out, without going nuts about it). Easier said than done, but like raza says below, another option is just winging it. I’ve never had a problem with that, but i do have to admit that i’ve lost a lot of people because of doing that (they just didn’t get it).
I have a doctor’s appointment next week and I’m basically steeling myself to be told that I have diabetes (I seem to have many of the symptoms and it runs in the family), but aside from that I can’t predict anything ahead of me. I used to be a planner, but have discovered now that my plans rarely work out the way I want. Even today for instance – my day has gone quite differently than the To-Do list I wrote before I went to sleep last night.
So yeah, I basically just wing it. Some days are good, many others mediocre, and some are bad. So it is.
Good thing about winging it (if you can get away with it) is that everyday is a surprise in a way (but that’s good and bad at the time so… yeah, no matter what, you can’t win, lol). I hope your appointment goes fine and that you don’t have diabetes, since it’s a pain in the ass. I used to know a few people that have it and they made it a point to mention it sucked like at almost every conversation.
Yeah, I mean, diabetes are not the worst thing ever, but it would be annoying. But… if I DO have it, it might explain a lot of my other health problems, so I guess I just want a diagnosis of some sort at this point.
I’m okay with surprises, I suppose. I don’t like huge surprises, but the Universe never asks for my opinion first so you just get used to it.
Heh, i know how that feels. I went for mri’s for a herniated cervical disc, brain and neck tumor, throat cancer. So far i know i don’t have any of those, but i do have a disc bulge, thyroid disease, and muscular atrophy on throat/vocal chords (besides all the other issues i did know i had). Fun, because from catastrophic conditions that can be fixed i went into annoying, only treatable conditions that you have for life, lol.
The universe sucks 😀
Ouch. :/ That’s rough, I hope you can get all of that under control so it doesn’t adversely effect your life any more than it already does… Knowledge is always better than ignorance when you have serious conditions, for sure (if it’s going to save you medical complications in the long run).
Diabetes is definitely a big deal, however, it is getting more and more manageable. And if it explains your health problems, you can treat them better if you know what is wrong. A diagnosis would be good, good luck with whatever it is.