Today is a different day, not that it is special or great. Today I don’t feel like killing myself.
Last week I was in a dark place and I stumbled onto this website because I was googling painless ways to kill myself. That night was unlike the previous ones because it was the first time i had tried to figure out how to do “it”.
I opened this page in a tab and clicked around some other sites until i concluded that I didn’t have access to anything that could be used to conveniently end my life. This page struck a chord with me and i cried a little bit reading words from people struggling like me. Today i saw that I had left this page open and I decided to make an account.
I have suffered in silence for so long, afraid to let people see what a basket case I am or worse, discover I am beyond helping. This month I have begun the process of trying to get a prescription for meds that will sedate my suicidal impulses. I really hate the idea of being on anti depressants, but They might help.
Today my life is manageable, and even if it seems like nothing I resolve to be grateful for strength. I still find myself wondering about all the people who we have lost lately. Are they laughing at my troubles? Are they happy to be done with this mess of a world? Im glad this site exists, I cant believe I am sitting here writing so Frankly about any of this. I really think that having a safe place to talk about these feelings can make a difference.
I will remember this resource when I need to talk to someone. Its so valuable to be able to talk about suicide without hurting or alarming the people I love.
I know that suicide isn’t always the answer but It has a purpose. I dont believe that people should be made to live entire lifetimes of misery. Just because your heart is still beating doesn’t mean you are alive. If I should ever choose that path I shall make an educated choice. This can be a place to keep notes and gather empirical data on this stuff.
I hope that being alive feels OK tomorrow too.
-N
6 comments
Hi. 🙂 I’m so glad you’re planning on trying meds. Any possibility of feeling better is worth trying. I’m glad you’re breaking the silence. Don’t ever worry that you might be beyond helping – many people who are told that by professionals go onto make full recoveries.
Please write here whenever you want. There will always be people to listen.
Thank you for your response, this seems like a good community. I have been depressed for as long as I remember. I know it will be difficult learning how to be happy as an adult that doesn’t understand happiness. Being aware of my blessings and being grateful is an important part, I want to reach out to others the way you have taken the time to reach out to me. Thank you!
I hope you feel like being alive feels okay tomorrow and every single day after. You are more than welcome here. Hopefully the medication will help you, I started taking antidepressants this month and I’m not exactly happy with that but we have to try our best to give ourselves a chance to live, right?
“Just because your heart is still beating doesn’t mean you are alive” — that’s sadly completely true. Most of us simply exist, and don’t live (like me because truth is I feel like a walking zombie that people forgot to bury), but I hope things changes for you and that you can start living soon… Hugs.
M
Thank you, I’d like to think that maybe we can all learn something from each other. Is there a way to follow people on this site? I’d like to keep up with people on here!. I wasn’t expecting anyone to read my post. We all deserve our own personal version of happiness. I completely understand the feeling of zombie life; sometimes its the only way to cope when you lose control. Sending <3s!
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“being Alive is OK”
Today i’m on my way to the casino, i’ll have a nice breakfast, play the slots, and hope to win.
being alive is yet to be seen depends on if i win or lose! 🙂
As a fellow gambler I can vouch that your life is worth more than all the money in that casino. I wonder what sorts of games you like to play and I hope you’ll be alive to tell the tale. Life is a crapshoot but we still have some say about how the game is played.