The only reason I’m still alive right now is because I’m scared it won’t work or it will hurt. I know how I want to go, but it isn’t a guaranteed death…there’s the fact that I may be found, and there’s the fact that I just get really sick instead of dying. I’ve been researching to see if my method will really work or if I’ll just lay there forever with a messed up stomach. If I could be sure that I would just slowly leave, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve said goodbye to everyone I need to. Only two people picked up on what I was really saying. One of those people called me a coward. She told me that I have a healthy life when there are people on earth fighting different illnesses. So since she said this, before I die, I’m going to be sure I sign up to be on the organ donor list……just give my whole body (except liver and kidneys, they won’t be usable) to others that really need it.
19 comments
I highly recommend that you consider this again! Who knows, you might find something worth living for. Anyway i wish you peace!
Thank you. I just don’t like it when people try to make my issues about them. I’ve been dealing with so many mental issues for years, way before this person came into my life. So I don’t understand why they’re trying to make me feel bad about my decision when I’m only being honest with them….which is what we agreed on from the beginning.
Maybe they don’t want to lose you, that’s their way of saying please stay.
Someone who never felt suicidal before finds it hard to understand us.
She sounds like a lovely, compassionate, and understanding person… (sarcasm)
I hope you’ve at least tried to get help, this route should be taken only after every other option is exhausted…
At least go do some things you’ve enjoyed before you end everything, maybe it’ll spark some new will to keep going.
I hope you get some measure of peace.
Lol. I tried to get help but I could no longer pay for it. I’m a college student with no income, and even with insurance, it cost $100+ for each appointment. I couldn’t afford it.
If you’re talking therapy I just wanted to mention that there are some options for similar, free help online. I can’t remember the names of most of them but I’ve come across a couple.
or go to the library and check out one of those self-help books (how do you think the therapists got into their professions, secretly they’re all as screwed up as we are)
Hey man, I just want you to know that I care about you. I may not know you but just hold on a little longer. I totally relate to where you are coming from. A friend of mine called me a coward and a type of person that loves to solicit for pity when I told her about my inner travail. Don’t listen to those people, their words will crush your soul and kill you. Keep coming here and talk to like minded folks. I wish you peace my friend.
Thank you, that means a lot to me.
Darvin, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for putting it into perspective for me. I know that this person has never dealt with anything like this. When I first found out about the illnesses, I asked them to leave me alone and they refused. They wanted to be here for me and with me. But deep down inside, I knew that they wouldn’t be able to deal. Nobody can deal with me and everything that comes with me. I attempted to save them from all of the disappointment and sorrow that I would bring them…but they refused to walk away.
I completely understand but i think that having people that will stay beside you no matter what it’s a good reason to live.
It’s just matter of opinion though.
Will they be able to use your organs? I signed up a few years ago and they said it’s only likely that they’d use them if you were under medical care (usually in hospital) when you died, so they’d be sure exactly when you died. It’s a very nice idea though. I’m sorry that person was so unkind to you. It’s not a good way for her to deal with it, but it probably happened because she was upset at the thought of you leaving. Hopefully you can look at it from the perspective that you’re clearly valued. You know you’re not a coward, and those situations can’t be compared. Hopefully she realises the same thing. If she’s stubborn about it… well, she’s probably just scared. But you’ve done everything you can.
I’m sorry you’re having problems with your method (and of course, sorry you got here in the first place). It’s a difficult decision when you’re not sure how it’ll go down. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
SlowDeath1, I created an account to reach out to you after reading your post. I’ve been battling with depression and feeling like I have no one to go to, so I found this place online. My thoughts of suicide come in waves. Even though I don’t personally know you, I can understand where you’re at emotionally and I wish I could do something to help. I lost my only brother to suicide Dec 2012. He was 32, the age I am now. Never thought I would be older than him. I made the mistake of looking through his pictures on his phone and I will always have the image of him staring into the camera with teary red eyes and a gun to his temple. That is an image I will never forget. Part of me died when he did. Life will never be the same. I say this so that it might help you rethink things and how it will effect your family and the people who love you. I hope you can find some peace to get through today. I know its a daily struggle sometimes.
Thank you, that means a lot to me. And I am sorry for your loss. I find that it is hard to imagine someone missing me or being upset if I die. I’m here in the present and they act like they don’t care. When I bring up the fact that I need help, it goes ignored…like my illnesses are imaginary. Nobody understands that the demons I face are very very real.
Thanks for responding. I’m sorry that the people around you aren’t there for you. I feel that way too, and that just heightens my already intense feelings. But your feelings are justified and matter, despite what they think. At least knowing someone else feels that way (you and others on here) helps me feel that I’m not alone or crazy. Similar to what someone else said, I may not know you, but I care about you and hate to see you feel this way. Sometimes the people immediately around us don’t know how to be there for us. I can tell you have a good heart and I will be thinking about you and hoping everything works out for you.
Thank you, that means a lot to me because I really feel like nobody understands. And since I found this site yesterday, I’ve come to realize that I am not alone.
No more xmas cards for her.
Waltz your way to your school’s clinic and tell them you are about to off yourself. Unless you are attending Bumfuck U they will have an assessment program ready. Seriously, colleges deal with this ALL the time. They have tools. Use them. Do not worry about the cost.
I think people should have the right to kill themselves but I believe it should be done with a clear head. Part of depression is it erases your ability to asses options. Yeah, the world is shit, but at the same time there are bright fucking signs almost everywhere that say, “GET HELP HERE.” I know you can’t see them right now, but trust me, they are there.
I am now four weeks past my due date to kill myself. Logic dictates that I try every option. It’s miserable – swallowing my pride – admitting my helplessness – trying to stick it out one more day just to see what tomorrow brings. One the other hand, death is permanent. God runs one hell of a racket, eh?
hey brother, I just want to let you know you’re not alone okay?
Just take one day at a time, and move through them. I know how it feels, it’s a grind, it’s painful and everything is slow. It hurts so much to keep carrying on day by day. But don’t do this man, you mean so much more in your life to everyone around you, including me.
The day’s are long and hard and stressful. But they make you stronger, whether or not you know it. They do make you stronger. The person whom called you a coward is such a hypocrite its actually laughable. They have no idea the demons that people like you and me face everyday. If they were to live one day in your shoes, they would break down from the stress you deal with ALL THE TIME. you are so strong man, so fucking powerful, you can move mountains. Fuel that anger, that frustration, that hopelessness into something that keeps you in the equation. Let it build that fucking fire to prove every SOB that’s every tried to prove you wrong. That’s ever done you wrong THAT YOU ARE STRONGER BECAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE. Because instead of affecting a few, you may change and inspire thousands.
You will.
Just believe in yourself like I do in you.
Because it’s people like you that change the world.
You just have to trust me and believe.