I’ve been seeing a new psychologist since January and last visit she questioned why I was still seeing Psychologists if I believed my life will never get any better. I repeated what I had told her previously, that I simply want help to give up. I seem to continually hope for something to change but I need to accept that nothing can ever change. She has kept trying to inspire me to start doing things in an attempt to make my depression better with the idea that my depression will improve if I simply eat better, exercise and get more sleep. She will not accept that I have tried all that and I have tried more than 50 types of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs. I don’t believe that I simply have a chemical imbalance; I know what causes my depression, anxiety and social phobia.
It is difficult to be happy, confident and positive when you know the entire world thinks you are just a joke because you are almost 50 and still a virgin with a micro penis. It sucks that my psychological problems were not simply some events in my past that I can put behind me and try to get on with my life and have some type of normal, acceptable life. The only things in my life that I get any pleasure from are food and masturbation. No…not at the same time…well I don’t think I have ever……I don’t recall. The food is causing obesity and health problems and my Doctor is always telling me to lose weight.
My masturbation is becoming a serious problem because now that I have started treating my hypogonadism with testosterone supplements, my libido is troubling. I used to masturbate only once every couple of weeks and as I have a humiliation/repulsion perversion, I was needing to be humiliated only once every few weeks. Being humiliated is easily achieved as I only have to go online and enter Camfrog or any other masturbation chat rooms and as soon as any person sees me they are so shocked they tell everyone in the chat room and I am instantly being humiliated and degraded by numerous men and women. It is only when women humiliate me that I become aroused but after I masturbate and the arousal from the humiliation has passed, I am left feeling like a worthless piece of crap.
Obviously I am just a worthless piece of crap as everyone who sees my micropenis will tell me exactly what they think. 30 years of being humiliated by prostitutes with every attempt at having intercourse has turned from something I hated and thought I was ignoring into a perversion. Every sexual encounter I have had in my life included some form of humiliation or with women being repulsed at the sight of me.
Now that I am treating my low testosterone levels in an attempt to improve my depression and increase my energy and motivation levels, my increased libido has me masturbating 3 times a day and obviously I need humiliation every time. It is this increased amount of humiliation that is causing me to become more depressed.
My Psych seems to think I can just stop the need for humiliation but I cannot. She tells me to watch porn but I get nothing from watching porn. I do still seem to be attracted to women but where a normal guy would fantasize about having sex with an attractive woman, I fantasize about the woman laughing at my inadequate size and humiliating me. To me, that is sex. I have never been able to successfully have intercourse and the only way I have ever reached orgasm with any woman is after they have given up trying to jack me off and they have told me to do it myself while they sat there laughing at me, telling me how pathetic I am and how they have seen newborn babies with bigger penises. This is the only sex I have ever known. I cannot change that but my Psych wants me to stop all my sexual urges and to stop being humiliated. I have never in my life asked to be humiliated. It is simply what comes natural to both men and women when they see a freak with a micropenis.
My Psych wants me to become more social and try to make new friends and to try and have my first date. I don’t see the point. I have no interest in dating, I have had a lifetime of experiences which made it clear what women feel about a micropenis. I am a worthless piece of crap who should kill himself because no woman would ever willingly touch you without being paid. I have heard those words so many times. I accept that I will never love or be loved so I have no interest in dating. I don’t want to be tolerated.
All women want to be attractive to their p@rtner and want their p@rtner to find them sexually attractive and desirable but as a man I am expected to just grab onto any woman whom can tolerate me, whether I like her or not. I am so disgusting that I should be happy to have any woman be able to tolerate my short-comings. I don’t want to live a life of being tolerated and simply accepted.
As for making friends, again I don’t see any advantage for me. I think I would become more depressed. I phoned an old friend a few days ago and one of the first things he asked me was if I had found myself a woman yet. When any person finds out you are almost 50 and your single they instantly want to match make. They know a good woman who they want to set me up with. When I protest and say I don’t want to meet anyone, I am instantly hit with all the questions. Why? Why don’t you want a girlfriend? Why have you never had a girlfriend? What is wrong with you? Don’t you like women?
Why can’t Psychologists just accept that what they think they would want in their life if they were me is not what I want? They have not lived through my life experiences and obviously their brain functions differently to mine. I don’t know why I am writing this. Nothing can change. I don’t want any advice. I usually have a few guys who respond saying they can relate because they too are small in size but I usually have either no women comment or the few that do comment seem to think I am attacking women just by telling my story and they jump to the defense of all women by telling me it is my bad attitude, lack of confidence and nasty personality that likely caused all those women to humiliate me because women would never degrade a man over his penis size. It was just that I am such a bad person that they simply used penis size to try to hurt me. I don’t know how a prostitute who has never spoken 2 words to me or I to her, seems to evaluate my personality and then decides that I am an asshole whom needs putting in his place by being degraded and humiliated about his penis size. I’m not attacking women; I accept that it is normal human behavior carried forward from our evolution and was a survival reaction. Someone who was seen as different was ostracized and banished from the group or society because a small penis was seen as a weakness and any weakness was a threat to the safety of the group. A weakness that was allowed to breed would create future weakness in the group.
All I ask from my Psych is help to give up, as I seem to be an optimist and simply go on living in the hope that things will improve. I know nothing can ever change. I only want help to accept that I will live this life exactly as it is and there is nothing that is ever going to change and I need to stop wishing for more from life. My Psych’s answer is that it would be negligent of her to help me accept that my life will not get any better and to help me to give up hope. Even though she admits that nothing can change.
I think I just needed a rant. I know nobody can help me and I’ll always just be a pathetic joke to all of society, from my PE teachers in school who laughed at me to every prostitute I have been with and every person who has seem me on webcam to the Doctors and nurses who all laughed at my genitals when I had to have a cystoscopy. All of society thinks I am a pathetic joke and the only people I have contact with, my parents think I am a failure as I have never provided them with grandchildren. Watching my mother cry while saying, “if only you could find a nice woman who would accept you, I think you would have made a great father”, saddens me and I wonder if she would be less sad if I was simply not here causing her sadness and regret.