Mannerisms.

You know when you see another’s mannerisms, and they’re unique and interesting. Just the way they carry themselves catches your eye. It’s so fascinating to me that a person can be imbued with such rich qualities that down to the way they behave unconsciously is welcoming and full of life. It’s amazing to me what another person can do for your life, good and bad.

i feel a deeply warm feeling from some people, those who really actually care. The quality of the conversations about nothing that still yield joy. The feeling when they reach out, just to ask how you’re doing, it’s strange the mental simulation it brings.

Alternatively, there are the people on the other end of the spectrum. Just their presence sends you into a blind rage. The thought of their idiocy and hypocrisy instil an inner turmoil in your mind, and you literally have a bout of words with them. Being within their proximity or even seeing something they’ve written some how reopens old wounds, and it only builds with interpersonal toxicity.

All in all, the good outweigh the bad, but what’s strange is i feel like it’s taken my entire life to figure it out. I’ve spent so much time jaded and really alone with my fears and struggles. Either not wanting to impose, or just the fear that the person would stop speaking to me. Not because i scared them, or because they genuinely don’t care, but because once you cross that line, and talk about emotions and suicide and the like, you can never go back. From that point forward you’re painted with somber overtones, and you are seen as if you are only capable of struggling. I think that’s why sometimes depression is perpetuating. It’s just this subject that no one really wants to touch, it transforms your image into a morphed and disfigured form of what it once was. I feel like with the people that know my history i have this intuition that they’re always on their toes when I’m around watching with anxiety,waiting for me to show signs of instability.

I hope that the friends I’ve found now won’t vanish, it would be hard returning to solitude. I think that’s what i fear most above anything, and sometimes that fear alone can turtle my progression. I suppose if my relationships do slowly burn out, i will be better equipped with experience to know i can discover something new again. That every person isn’t toxic, and eventually I can find some temporary comfort and support. Things are bound to change eventually, the thought of it nearly makes me sick, but it’s inevitable. I just hope it waits until a time where I’m more stable, and ready to handle such a challenge.

Eh this was all really a pointless rant about fears and joy and the paradoxical nature of social interaction, that initially stemmed from something that makes me happy. I have an amazing ability to shit all over the little joys in life. I suppose you could compare relationships to taste in food, if you eat something you love everyday, say apple cinnamon poptarts, for a year, you will eventually grow to hate them and move on. The same can be said for people, you can’t just eat the same thing daily, acs expect it to be as good as the first time.