This will be my 2nd post here…. it is quite long, read at your own time, speed, risk, whatever………
I honestly do not see life getting any better for me, it might have been around 2 weeks since my last post and I should give more time for my life to “improve.” I have yet to find the right person to talk to about my problems in life, I do not want to talk to a counselor about it because I have tried that many times while I was in middle school and not only did it not help at all, they said your typical cliche nonsense without being realistic. There is one reassuring thing that I always think about when I am in this depressed state on a consistent basis, that if we take a look at the universe as a whole, we can see how truly small and insignificant we are. If I was able to explore galaxies beyond our own, and just leave the Earth forever, I would be 1000 times happy to do so. But I know that it is not possible for me to do such a thing, so I must cope with where I am currently at now. Let us examine that further of where I am currently at now shall we?
I am a 16 year old boy who builds things, is extremely athletic in basketball and fitness in general doesn’t really make me any more happy or sad just something to do while I think of ways to kill myself, investigates various things, and gathers intelligence on various things. With these 4 primary things that you know about me, you can see that I have a lot of potential right? To some people, it would be a definite yes, some just won’t care. To me I just have not seen any opportunity for me to make it big in any of these fields because I just feel that the general population of where I am living at just treats me as an outcast. What makes it even worse is when I see other people succeeding in life, thank you Facebook and Twitter. I mean these people have jobs, friends, social lives, it just seems that their lives are just great compared to mine.
I recently started to follow the idea nihilism, where you essentially believe that life is pointless. The reason I started to follow this ideology is because it made a lot of sense to me. What is the point of life if we’re all going to die anyway, I grew believing that life is supposed to be a beautiful thing that we should all be thankful we have. I guess this notion only applies to your mindset if you’re enjoying life yourself. I am not one of them anymore, so I can’t see the joy of life. I see this small speck in the universe we call the Earth as nothing but a corrupted piece of waste, that is merely unnecessary in the end anyway.
Now, I should give you all still reading this post a little history of what specific events happened recently that sparked all of these ideas in my head and made snap. Well, I have tried talking to some people around my school, they were nice but I still felt isolated because I really did not click with their mindsets of being happy all the time and enjoying life, maybe it was my fault for not trying hard enough to click with them. Other events included just my thoughts alone on what the entire population in my sovereign area thought about me, I honestly think that no one really cares about me because I was always seen as a pest by most people in my area always being shrugged off like some fly. I really wanted to cut my arm when I got home from school but I had gym class the next day so it would not be good to show up to class with a sliced arm. What I have been seeing around my area is that everyone else has their own center and niche in life, in the social realm, ect but me. Overall it is just a sense of loneliness and rejection that contributed to my spark of nihilism. This type of s#%t makes me wish I was never born and wish I had died a long time ago so I would not have to deal with this pain now. So, I guess I’ll still try find help. If all fails and I don’t the help I need, well that will just be more of drive to kill myself. So I guess it wasn’t completely a waste. 🙂
Now I have question for my readers of this post.
- Am I wrong, weak, selfish for wanting to kill myself?
- Does it seem I am getting upset all the time over petty nonsense?
- Is what I am getting upset over petty nonsense?
- Would you like me shorten my posts in the future?
- Is it wrong of me to believe that Earth is just an insignificant speck in space?
Be honest….
4 comments
Forgive me for not answering all of your questions, however, I just want you to know that I’ve read your post.
First of all, you aren’t that far off with the idea of Earth being a speck in the overall universal scheme.. It’s quite fascinating how small we really are. I live on a tiny island in the Caribbean, not even visible on a map of North America, much less a world map.. The Earth is ridiculously small compared to the Sun and other bigger stars in the Milky Way. Add in the vastness of the universe and well, I think you get my point.
Weakness: Well you said it yourself, you play basketball and you are fit. You sure as hell aren’t physically weak, that’s for sure.
I wouldn’t call you weak because of your suicidal tendencies. In fact, that’s a terrible thing to say or think about a “suicidal”. It makes it worse. Honestly, finding the “will” to fight, to live on, is what makes many of the people here so strong.. There are people on here, like Tristeza, and Trix, who have shit tons of pain and problems to deal with, and yet they constantly brighten other people’s days, and give them a glimmer of hope. That is true strength.
Honestly, when people are depressed and/or suicidal, sometimes there really isn’t a reason, so don’t think it’s nonsense. Consider that it’s making you feel this way and let someone know..
Finally, continue to post. I know for a fact that the right people will find this post and comment accordingly. Someone on here will help you in some way, for sure… Hey man, I write stories. Chapters and Chapters and chapters. They can be long. Trust me, people here are patient and will take the time to read things…
Surprise, surprise. I think I answered everything….
Best of luck, friend. 🙂
No. No. Possibly. No. No.
You are not wrong when you say Earth it’s an insignificant speck in space, let’s admit it, i mean why being so egocentric by thinking that OUR world has an important role in Univers.
On the other side, Earth might not be the center of Univers, but it’s important to all her habitants.
In my opinion, you’re overthinking.
Now i know, overthinking it’s not always bad, if you use it for a good reasons you’ll probably have good results, but most of the times overthinking causes depression.
Lots of people think that life should have a divine reason, something big, something important, but the truth (in my opinion) is that life itself hase no meaning, it is you who give a meaning to your own life.
Try enjoying living, try being positive, the world is beautiful, and the only reason we should look at the negative sides it’s to change theme, to make theme better!
Yes, we’re going to die in the end, but why not trying to enjoy this opportunity, called life, that comes only once!
As for the loneliness and inferiority part, i have no good advice, i’m struggling with the same thing, but at least i have some awesome online friends here on S.P that mean the world to me. Are they worth living for or what?! 😉
P.S: shorten your posts only if you want to. For me they are ok.
P.P.S: this is all my honest and humble opinion. I might be right ore i might be wrong, who knows?!
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