rant.

Everyday I find myself hating my own life over and over again. He.. They just don’t get it. He.. They never will. I try to live my life as much as I can and I seem to not want it more and more as I go on. I have wanted to die for awhile now. It has been so hard to go on and I can’t seem to do it anymore. Every time I get close to doing so, there seems to be hope and I lose it. I lose it instantly and I am not happy. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time. I can’t even remember the time that I could say “If I died right now, I will not be full of regrets. I am happy with how I lived my life.” That moment seems so far from now and I wish I was back there. I feel so alone. Even when I make a happy memory, it seems to be tainted with sadness and despair. I don’t want to live but at the same time I do. I want to be here for my loved ones but I also don’t care for them anymore. I want to care for myself and I don’t. I want to cut again but I know I shouldn’t. Yeah maybe my feelings are up to my ear right now but I am speaking on behalf of my past and present self. I have not stopped feeling this way for awhile now. It hides in the back of my brain just waiting to pounce back into my view. Why does it seem like everyone is against me? I always picture myself dying and seeing the fake people, the people who did love me all come together to celebrate my short life and at the same time cry about it. I can clearly see people break down and cry, but also, I see the people who pity me and feel sad for my loved ones. I see you. I see everyone. I see the ones who want to know why I did it. Who will say I was a “wonderful girl”. In my head, I laugh at all that. It makes me laugh knowing that it takes YOU  that moment to finally care for me. For ALL you to care for me. What happened when I did need you when I was alive? You told me that I’d get over it. I didn’t. So as I sit here typing this blog/post that no one will probably read and just breeze through, I can see it all too clearly. The curiosity on what will happen is too great for me to ignore. I don’t really believe in the after life, but I also do. I do because it gives me a sense of comfort and that’s basically what religion is really about. It gives people that comfort knowing there is something else out there. I don’t know. We all don’t. Honestly, I just want someone to give a fuck about me… and NO not the fake shit. The fake I love you’s and I care for you’s. The sincere ” I would fucking do everything for you and I know that even as you sit there hating yourself, I can never get angry at you for that and I am here for you through it all even if I am tired at 2 am in the morning because I know your mental health is not where it should be and you need me.” I need that. And you haven’t been that.