Frankly at this point I enjoy my life quite a bit, yet I can’t shake my suicidal ideology. I’m in massive debt, I feel like at some point it will all catch up to me, and I will have to choose between have my checks being garnished or committing suicide. I have substantial medical bills coupled with all consuming all powerful student loan debt. Who would of thought the mistake of going to college enforced by my parents at 18 would have had such a resonating effect. I’m going to be paying somewhere around 35% of my monthly income every month until I’m 45 years old. Two decades of pure inherent financial struggle and misery.
It’s not as if I come here complaining prematurely either. I honestly have tried every possible thing to reduce my monthly spending and ease my financial situation. I have been pretty successful as well, but even so, it’s never enough. I’ve even gone a step further, I started an eBay business with someone else. It does have potential, yet at the same time, the person who’s helping me is a severe drug addict with very untrustworthy behaviour. That’s all relative though, worse comes to worse I have to end our business endeavor prematurely. I’ve also found other ways of supplementing my income, that I have yet to pursue.
The problem is, all of these new activities I’ve taken on leave me with little time to really enjoy life. I understand that is the burden of being an adult, but I feel like this is completely overriding any joy I am entitled to as a human being. Everything I do get to involve myself with is tainted, instead of going out with friends to a restaurant, it’s $45 dollars wasted along with 2 hours that could have been spent making money or fighting with bill collectors. I feel like I’ve been robbed of the youthful spontaneity of life.
I know there will be a point where the debt siege will end, and a cavalry of debt collectors a million strong will storm in. I will be left without my apartment, my vehicle, and my dignity. At that point I will certainly take my life. I have little support any longer and it’s bound to happen. I just hope when that day comes life has fucked me hard enough and long enough I won’t have an issue taking my own life. Unfortunately I’ve actually found things and people to live for lately. Over the year I’ve made a connection with a person, now i deeply love this person. The person is a true friend, and the relationship is unadulterated by sexuality. Furthermore I have a roommate who I really actually like.
I’m not sure what to do at this point, it’s as if my expiration date is inversely related to the enrichment of my life. Before this past year, I honestly had no qualms with taking my life, and the decision was an easy yes. Now it’s more complicated and convoluted. If I commit suicide now I will disrupt the lives of the people I trust and love most. I’ve never had a disincentive correlated with suicide, which only depresses me more. It’s as if I have forfeited the right to my life by accidentally making it better. I feel powerless and overwhelmed. I just hope I am able to achieve some minor successes so I can keep my independence. I just hope I don’t have to disrupt my loved one’s lives.
8 comments
There is a guy down the road that desperately needs your selfless devotion right this moment. He is you, ten years in the future. Right now your choices are be dead, by miserable, or be slightly more miserable by helping him. Where you are at right now is absodamnlutely a shit sandwich. Sorry about that.
Business with a drug addict partner: good sitcom, bad reality show.
I suppose you’re right, present me never thinks much about future me, and in respects to patterns, that is generally the common theme among all of my really terrible problems I’m dealing with currently. Perhaps I’ll put some thought into this, however it sounds extremely depressing.
It is! Oh god it sucks. So you do what you can, hold on for as long as you can. It’s like a shitty extra extra job and you will need occasional vacations where you can run amok and have a good time. Just don’t ever beat yourself up about not doing enough.
You’re one of many people who just happened to realize that the way society and economy are built is a trap. You can work shit jobs without education, or get education and be forever in debt which leaves you with a moderately better income. Best you can do is keep going while you want/can, because you never know what might happen eventually. You might get a better job, find other reasons to keep holding on, or a meteorite might crash on earth and debt won’t matter anymore. What i’m getting at is, if you’re enjoying your life, leave suicide for last. Good luck getting out of debt btw! i’ve tried and anytime i’m close to it, i end up in more debt than before, lol.
I’m in America and I’m writing this in the hopes that you’re American. I’ve read a bit on bankruptcy, if worse comes to worse you can always file. Your student loans will still be there, unfortunately (one of the most idiotic things to me that when it comes to that money there’s no statute of limitations but things like rape run out, urgh) but you can still keep items which are essential to your livelihood such as your car and apartment, when you file they don’t leave you homeless, and there are many debts which can be dismissed, including medical debts.
You could always do some research on it.
As for the darker side… “Unfortunately I’ve actually found things and people to live for lately.” ya isn’t that a bummer when life gives you reasons to stay…
Good luck.
Well the debts are of course a painful experience to pay back. I will not be looking forward to them when I have to pay them all off as well! If you like pool or something. You could try to make a pool league or something! Try to turn one of your hobbies into something you can make small profit from as well. Good luck!
Yeah, it’s always a good idea to let a crackhead handle ur money (I should know)…
@freeroma, yes, bankrupcy is the best option here. My wife and I declared when I was 24 I believe. We owed over $12,000 in credit card debt alone, not including 2 car loans and my student debt. And here’s what happened:
The day we finalized, when the 2 of us arrived home from the court building (all the way out to Milwaukee of course so the baby was with a friend.) We sat in the living room and I asked her, “What do u feel like for lunch?” And she replied, “I’m moving out today.” “What?! When?” “In 45min my cousins will be here to help.”
Yes, worst day of my life but not my point. My point is (and I do have one) is that all the debt went POOF! Bye! No more telling collection calls (in a fake old lady voice) that they had the wrong number. All the bills into the shredder. The best part is u can choose to leave out certain debts to keep paying- udh to lose everything. My wife put down her car (little did I know..) but I tricked the repossors into letting me keep my car FREE. Yes, it had a cpl problems, and was almost 10yrs old, but the loan company was back in NY where we bought it. So no inspectors came to look at (idk if they normally do anyway) and I told the man over the phone some.. white lies? Told him the odometer was higher than it really was and over-exaggerated the problems with the car… I got a letter in the mail saying they weren’t going to bother to repossess it because basically it wasn’t worth the money! So I could keep it, the only catch being that they would “still hold a lein on the title” meaning I could never sell or give away the car. The bancrupcy lawyer told me the only way to get rid of it would be to push it down a hill in the woods some day if I couldn’t maintain it anymore lmao he was totally serious… As I child, my aunt and I would hike in the woods by the lake in upstate NY. There was this old (we’re talking ’70s model at least) blue car at the bottom of a ravine we discovered that I would explore, sit behind the wheel and pretend to drive. Filled with leaves and debris, I remember the bowling ball in a bag in the back seat.. how odd. Not as creepy as the badger skull on the floor in the leaves on the passenger side floor, perfectly clean and bleached. We donated it to the local nature center for their educational collection. I’ve looked for the car as an adult, but it’s been long hauled away. I only wondered after my bancrupcy if the owner had been in my situation back then and been forced to abandon it…
Where was I? Oh, so I got to keep my lemon of a car. I eventually totalled it in a road trip, somewhere in Indiana, smashing it into a concrete guard rail going 80mph, all because I was sick of pulling over every 3min to change my 3 year old’s dvd. So I reached back while driving… Stranded in some podunk town in IN, we caught the train to NY after I snuck into the garage where it was towed to and stripped the car of its plates, stereo, and anything else I could carry and never looked back. I hope the scrap value they got would cover the towing and daily storage fees they wanted to charge me. They never called me, and I never went back to that town again…
Anyway, no, my student loans remained (they’re life’s unescapables, like death and taxes as they say.) But being disabled and on SSI, after some paperwork and doctor notes, my loans were dispersed as I was declared “totally and permanently disabled.” They monitor u for job activity for 5yrs, so by this December I should be totally free and clear and the debts forgiven. Not the ones in my mom’s name unfortuanately, but that’s anyother story..
Currently I’ve managed to hold onto this apt., the home my daughter was born into. It costs 80% of my shitty SSI but, what, should I be like Nikki, my cheating now ex-wife who was evicted 3 times in just over a year and now her dad lives on her couch?? Sure, there are plenty of other cheaper apts I could move to, but this place, 2br, 2 full bath, separate eat-in kitchen, dining room, living room, in-apt storage closet (plus a unit in the basement),and our personal balcony where we coax moring glories to weave all thru the metal bars of the fence, giving us privacy, monarchs, and humming birds.
The apt is beautiful. Nikki only took one of the sofas (that I hated), one of the recliners, my least favorite of 4 end tables, a toychest (that I screamed at my cousins to put the fuck down so I could go thru it (all of my daughter’s scrapbook stuff was at the bottom, and plush toys from my childhood; she left with it empty. Other than jewelry, makeup, and clothes, that’s all she got, not even one of our 2 cats. They apartment is more beautiful than even, and ppl gasp when they first visit when I tell them it’s all my doing, a single stay-at-home dad.
Again, my point is, I started rebuilding my life after that. Sure, I needed the charity St. Vincent DePaul to help me with rent and electric right after she left til my SSI money stabled out to it’s highest (it was always held down by Nikki’s income.) And then I slowly put things back together. God know’s money’s always tight and the power got shut off once since SSI doesn’t pay enough to live on (or at least not in a luxury building with a secure underground parking garaged and elevator.) I’m NOT bragging, just explaing where I ended up! But I’m not traumatizing my baby by uprooting her again. She calls Mommy’s house “Mommy’s house.” She calls Daddy’s house “home.”
Sorry for the novel, but I figured if I could weave some stories into there I wouldn’ just be throwing info at u. And perhaps, in the process, make u smile.
This is lovely, perhaps I’ll look into it.