I thought I was slowly getting better. I feel terrible all over again. Family is planning to go to the beach tomorrow, after visiting the cemetery. This just reminded me that we were at the beach 6 days before my brother died. He was talking about life, my life. How important it is that I hold on. But I cant. Not without him.
Just now, my parents told me that my cousin commited suicide because he couldnt deal with my brother’s death. They had said his death was an accident. He died just weeks after my brother died.
I see myself cutting tonight or getting high on weed. Both seem better than what Im feeling.
Listening to Death Metal is making me even worse. I need more calming music.
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I’m very sorry you’re feeling this way. That’s an awful thing to discover, and it’s no wonder those reminders have made you feel much worse. Please remember that those things would make anyone feel terrible – but that doesn’t mean they’ll stop you from starting to move forward again. You’ve made it this far and shown all the strength you have inside. Maybe today is one of those days you need to distract yourself in any way you can, but please don’t harm yourself.
Ylem: Going to the cemetery is an important ritual for the older folks in your family. (You know this?) You’ve talked about rage and numbness and your family is feeling those things, too. Rituals are ways that people deal with those feelings. Without them many would break down and give up.
Just like you want to cut to keep from exploding there is someone in your family who is doing the same but you don’t know about it. Just like you want to get zonked on weed to numb down the pain, somebody in your family is secretly … drinking? … binge eating? Something.
Take a moment to look at your family as one entity. Your brother’s death didn’t only leave a hole, it hurt every member of your family. Everybody is experiencing some sort disconnection. It’s going to take some time to pull the treads that tie all of you together back.
When bad things happen to people all sorts of feelings want to pop out. Not only anger and sadness, but shame, fear, and frustration. Look in the eyes of your family and you will see that and more.
I’m not asking you not to cut. I ask you that before you cut you look around you. Is there one of your relatives that is on the edge too? Maybe telling them that you feel the churning darkness inside will help them realize they aren’t alone. Maybe holding someone’s hand will pull them back from doing something harmful.
If your brother was alive today and some other member of your family had died, what would he be doing right now? You don’t have to exactly walk in your brother’s footsteps – just trying to, just making the effort is a huge deal right now. That counts for alot! Even if you don’t think you are doing that good of a job, being his stand-in makes the whole family stronger and lets everyone heal faster.
I know the next week is going to be rough. Remember you have doubled your family. You now have a whole collection of semi-functional SP folks to stand with you.
May peace be with you and your family.
Semi being the operative word here. At least in the last 24 hours. I’m just talking about me though.
Optimus Prime is a Semi. He is a bad ass just like you.
I feel like Optimus Prime rode me hard and put me out wet.
Fuck! Im being selfish right now. I should go have supper with them.
Sure, if you are up for it. Please don’t beat yourself up or force things. That will shut you down. Do as much as you can, when you can. Think *process* not *results*.
I hope I made some sort of sense. I’m never sure how I come across. That’s part of the problem being an only child and having no family.
You’ve helped and made a lot of sense. Thank you SeeSmith. Ive been wrapped up in my own depression I forgot they are suffering just as much as I am. My family is always the reason I postpone my end.