So this is going to be long and grammar has never been my strong point. Plus I cracked my screen really bad so it’s hard to type. Maybe getting it out will help, maybe not. Either way I have to try something to help.
I Had a rough childhood starting when I was 6 was when I first remember wanting to die. I never fit in.
Continue on and I never had any friends. Not once did a boy ever show interest in me (even the cute kindergarten crushes). I always felt broken.
When hen I hit puberty I gained a lot of weight and my mom decided to homeschool me. I was an only child so I lived a very lonely life. I hated it so much and that’s when I started cutting.
At 15 my mom and dad split and I was told they were “done raising kids”. I moved in with my uncle and continued with my homeschooling because I was to afraid to go back into the school system.
At 17 I moved back in with my parents and then when I turned 18 my parents left and moved 4 hours away (only 1 week noticed for the move) on my birthday. I was not welcome and I had surgery 2 days before and was pretty much on my own. 2 months later I went on my first date of my life from a guy much older I met online. He got super drunk and took advantage of me.
A few months later a guy I worked with showed interest in me until he cheated on me. I honestly don’t know if you consider it my first boyfriend or what. I started drinking and doing drugs because I didn’t know how to deal with my life. This is how I made my first “friends”. I started sleeping with every guy that was even remotely nice to me. It was the closest to love I had ever felt. I finally met a guy and we were friends for a while and dated for 3 months… At 19 I was pregnant with his child.
he cheated on me (in November) and started dating the other woman. I got completely sober. I moved in with my parents when my baby was 6 days old.
I I did the online dating thing again and met a man. After 3 months (1 of which we were separated) we eloped. I loved him but I never trusted him. He cheated on me 3 days after our wedding. 3 months after our wedding I was pregnant with twins and lost one early on (October 22). In November he cheated on me again. After having the baby he cheated on me again. We moved back to my hometown for a fresh start. When the baby was a month old.
My oldests dad and I were best friends. He was the only “friend” I ever had. Someone I could tell everything to.
In November I found out I was pregnant again. Birth control baby. I was devastated because I was done having kids especially with him. We didn’t believe in abortion and I considered adoption but since he grew up in foster care he was completely against it.
The baby had a metabolism issue and required a feeding tube and several hospital stays. None that my husband ever came to.
After having the baby he cheated on me again. (In October). In November the baby got sick and we almost lost him. He came to the hospital 1 time. The baby lost his hearing and suffered 4 strokes and had severe brain damage. I spent the next year having to leave my job and be at specialists every single day and several hospital stays and surgeries. My husband was not there for a single one. I drove out of state twice a week for special therapies to give my son the most normal life he can have
The next September my oldests dad was diagnosed with cancer. In November I caught my husband in the act with another woman and filed for divorce the next day. My husband had wiped out our bank account and left me with nothing. He never paid child support. My son was hospitalized in December. It was the first time my now ex husband had seen one of the kids and he came for 30 mins. On December 31st my landlords showed up at my house and called me all kinds of horrible names and threatened me with a gun and said it was my fault my son had issues because I obviously couldn’t take care of them since I missed that months rent.
I I lost it. I left my kids with my aunt and I drove 2 hours away. I wanted to die, I had every intention of dying. I received a message from a guy online and in his pics he looked like a douchebag. I drove to his house and we hung out and something about him was so calming. Like a peace I had never felt before. I went home after. Nothing happened with the guy, he didn’t even try. He asked to hang out again and again and we began dating. I fell in love for the first time.
Meh treated me like I hung the moon and his presence could calm my anxiety like nothing ever has. For the first time I trusted someone. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I didnt want to die. When he wrapped his arms around me I was always ok.
In March my oldest sons dad lost his battle to cancer. My only friend in my life.
In October my be never came home from work. He txt me he was done. He had found someone else. He’s in love with her and not me.
Most been 2 years since my son got sick. Since the last time he heard me tell him I love him.
It’s been 1 year since my divorce
it’s been 8 months since I lost my best friend
its been 2 weeks since the love of my life broke me in a way I didn’t know was possible.
But it has been a lifetime of pain for me.
I I have always been hard on myself and my family has never been shy to tell me I am fat or when I’m not good enough. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do everything for everyone anymore. I am never good enough for ppl. I’m never good enough for myself.
I hate this time of year. I hate November. I really HATE thanksgiving.