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My story

by abisslover25

So this is going to be long and grammar has never been my strong point. Plus I cracked my screen really bad so it’s hard to type. Maybe getting it out will help, maybe not. Either way I have to try something to help.

 

I Had a rough childhood starting when I was 6 was when I first remember wanting to die. I never fit in.

Continue on and I never had any friends. Not once did a boy ever show interest in me (even the cute kindergarten crushes). I always felt broken.

When hen I hit puberty I gained a lot of weight and my mom decided to homeschool me. I was an only child so I lived a very lonely life. I hated it so much and that’s when I started cutting.

At 15 my mom and dad split and I was told they were “done raising kids”. I moved in with my uncle and continued with my homeschooling because I was to afraid to go back into the school system.

At 17 I moved back in with my parents and then when I turned 18 my parents left and moved 4 hours away (only 1 week noticed for the move) on my birthday. I was not welcome and I had surgery 2 days before and was pretty much on my own. 2 months later I went on my first date of my life from a guy much older I met online. He got super drunk and took advantage of me.

A few months later a guy I worked with showed interest in me until he cheated on me. I honestly don’t know if you consider it my first boyfriend or what. I started drinking and doing drugs because I didn’t know how to deal with my life. This is how I made my first “friends”. I started sleeping with every guy that was even remotely nice to me. It was the closest to love I had ever felt. I finally met a guy and we were friends for a while and dated for 3 months… At 19 I was pregnant with his child.

he cheated on me (in November) and started dating the other woman. I got completely sober.  I moved in with my parents when my baby was 6 days old.

I I did the online dating thing again and met a man. After 3 months (1 of which we were separated) we eloped. I loved him but I never trusted him. He cheated on me 3 days after our wedding. 3 months after our wedding I was pregnant with twins and lost one early on (October 22). In November he cheated on me again. After having the baby he cheated on me again. We moved back to my hometown for a fresh start. When the baby was a month old.

My oldests dad and I were best friends. He was the only “friend” I ever had. Someone I could tell everything to.

In November I found out I was pregnant again. Birth control baby. I was devastated because I was done having kids especially with him. We didn’t believe in abortion and I considered adoption but since he grew up in foster care he was completely against it.

The  baby had a metabolism issue and required a feeding tube and several hospital stays. None that my husband ever came to.

After having the baby he cheated on me again. (In October). In November the baby got sick and we almost lost him. He came to the hospital 1 time. The baby lost his hearing and suffered 4 strokes and had severe brain damage. I spent the next year having to leave my job and be at specialists every single day and several hospital stays and surgeries. My husband was not there for a single one. I drove out of state twice a week for special therapies to give my son the most normal life he can have

The next September my oldests dad was diagnosed with cancer. In November I caught my husband in the act with another woman and filed for divorce the next day. My husband had wiped out our bank account and left me with nothing. He never paid child support. My son was hospitalized in December. It was the first time my now ex husband had seen one of the kids and he came for 30 mins. On December 31st my landlords showed up at my house and called me all kinds of horrible names and threatened me with a gun and said it was my fault my son had issues because I obviously couldn’t take care of them since I missed that months rent.

I I lost it. I left my kids with my aunt and I drove 2 hours away. I wanted to die, I had every intention of dying. I received a message from a guy online and in his pics he looked like a douchebag. I drove to his house and we hung out and something about him was so calming. Like a peace I had never felt before. I went home after. Nothing happened with the guy, he didn’t even try. He asked to hang out again and again and we began dating. I fell in love for the first time.

Meh treated me like I hung the moon and his presence could calm my anxiety like nothing ever has. For the first time I trusted someone. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I didnt want to die. When he wrapped his arms around me I was always ok.

In March my oldest sons dad lost his battle to cancer. My only friend in my life.

In October my be never came home from work. He txt me he was done. He had found someone else. He’s in love with her and not me.

Most been 2 years since my son got sick. Since the last time he heard me tell him I love him.

It’s been 1 year since my divorce

it’s been 8 months since I lost my best friend

its been 2 weeks since the love of my life broke me in a way I didn’t know was possible.

But it has been a lifetime of pain for me.

 

I I have always been hard on myself and my family has never been shy to tell me I am fat or when I’m not good enough. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do everything for everyone anymore. I am never good enough for ppl. I’m never good enough for myself.

I hate this time of year. I hate November. I really HATE thanksgiving.

 

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5 comments

rainyday 11/6/2015 - 12:34 am

🙁 I do not know what to tell you. I wish I could help you, I wish I could do something for you, help you with your children.

You have lost a lot and have lived a painful life, but you still have your children, and they need their mom. Think in them. And even if you consider yourself that you are not good enough, you are. Your story of life make perfect sense, you have dealt with a lot for a very long period of time.

We are here abiss, we all are here, supporting each other. I know how hard could be for you to trust in people, but try again. Sometimes we see around, and we just see the bad, we feel alone in this world, we feel that there are not one we can trust. But there are still honest people out there, there are still good people out there. We just have to find it.

We will be always here for you, you can write as many time as you like to do it. One day, your life will be different, you will win the fight.

Have you go to therapy? Have you go to church? Have you ask for support as single mom?

abisslover25 11/6/2015 - 12:57 am

Years of therapy. Every medication in the book. While I believe in God, I do not believe it really matters. My life doesn’t change no matter if I go to church and live the perfect lifestyle or if I get high and screw every guy in my zip code. Bad things equally happen to me. There isn’t much support for single moms. No one babysits my kids because they are afraid of my baby. That they will break him.

abisslover25 11/6/2015 - 12:58 am

And I forgot to add that a few months ago my ex husband moved across country to avoid child support and said that he couldn’t handle out kids. Basically the babies special needs are to much for him.

rainyday 11/6/2015 - 1:28 am

Abiss, I do not know much, have you go to the social security, to children and family. Most be one able to help you in the situation you are. Do the impossible, write to the congress, try all. You need help, you truly need help and your child need support.
Take your ex to court. He has to support your child. It is his obligation.

Now, as an stranger, talking to you as my friend. We want what is best for the people around us, then I will be sincere with you. You have to keep sober, your have to keep away from drugs, you have to keep away from relations with men that does not have sense. And yes you have to try to live the perfect lifestyle, even if you consider that nothing is going to change for you, if you keep trying I know something good will come your way. Remember that if you do good you can attract good. At least that is my theory. Maybe I am wrong. Even if this has not work for me. And you have tried before and feel that broken.

Medication or Therapy haven not help me much either, but have kept me trying and alive. Then do not abandon your therapy.

I am not afraid of your baby and most probably others are not either. Now, you will need a nurse, a person trained to take good care of him.

abisslover25 11/6/2015 - 2:18 am

I have been sober 6 years this month. (6 years since I found out I was pregnant) Not even a glass of wine with dinner. And no drugs either. My youngest is disabled I’ve been through social security we get all the help we can which is his his disability. I’ve taken my ex to court 3 times. He moved across country because of the arrest warrant here for non payment. He’s off the grid right now because I have informed the police of his move.

If you met me in real life I have a nice house, a reliable car, I take my kids to school, come home and take care of my disabled son, take him to his appts (most are 11/2 hours away), pick up my kids, dinner, homework, bath, and bed. I have a dog and 3 cats. I work in animal rescue fostering animals. Work on days the baby doesn’t have appts while my others are in school (I can take my baby to work with me). I went to church every Sunday till my work started opening on Sunday’s and I really needed the money.
I prep crock pot meals for a month and freeze them.
From the outside I live the perfect life and have all my shit together. I have the perky positive Facebook. My family thinks it’s never good enough they are always on me about why I don’t have a guy to take care of me. They tell me I need to lose weight, fix my hair, my nails aren’t done. Every time I step foot in a doctors if the baby hasn’t made progress then I feel like it’s my fault.

My mom is in town now because my dad has job training here so that’s how I have been able to lose it the past week. They rarely visit.

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