Hey guys, I’ve been writing quite frequently here for a few weeks/months. Something has been troubling my life and I don’t know what to think about it, how I should feel about it, I don’t know what it is and I was thinking that maybe your thoughts might help me. I don’t need any psychologist’s or any doctor’s thoughts. Just thoughts from/by fellow human beings. As long as it is sincere, it is perfect. Here the “troubling thing”:
I haven’t really identified myself as a lesbian. The people I fell in love with have always been men. Sexually I’m stil more attracted to men. I am living with a man I do respect and love. We’ve been together for more than 3 years and a half now, and we’ve been living together for approximatively 2 years. I do love him. I do care for him.
BUT the thing is… A few months ago, I started feeling something for a woman. Yes, a woman. And what’s worse, she’s older than me (20years…). And I can’t get rid of that feeling. I just love her, I feel the same things I used to feel about the men I felt in love with. I think about her all the time, I want to protect her from anyting unpleasant, I want to be here for her (even though I do know she doesn’t need me at all). I think she is beautiful and her smile, and her eyes make me crazy. I started a little drinking habit. I’m wandering away from my studies. I’m sure I disappointed her because I behaved in a weird way in her presence, obviously. That’s emotionally complicated. Of course, I haven’t talked about that to anyone, except you SuicideProject.
She was nice with me. Exceptionally open-minded, very nice and respectful. She used to look at me. And I asked myself “Why does she look at me like that ?”. Why was she that nice? I know she’s great with everyone. I loved the way she looked at me. And I think that stroke my heart, and I fell. And I still haven’t recovered (yet?). I mean, she’s not perfect, of course. I see her flaws, I feel them. But I don’t care, she’s great. I do respect her, I do love her even if, in a way, it’s hard to write because I feel like I’m not respecting her whenever I speak like that. But I AM sorry, I’m undergoing that feeling. I’m sorry I fell. I’m not 100% sure, but I’ve heard she has divorced her husband not long ago (max. 2 years ago, max.). She’s got kids. She’s just great with everyone. Except when she’s angry, but she’s a human being and she’s got the right to be angry and not-so-perfect sometimes.
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What do you think of that ? I mean, who am I ? What am I ? Why am I living that ? How should I react ? What should I think ? And my boyfriend, is it being unfaithful ? I mean, I didn’t do anything with her, nothing at all. And I’m not responsible for feeling that. It just happened. Please, give me your thoughts. I just need thoughts of fellow human beings, I can’t ask people in “real life”… So I ask you. Anything, please. It’s weird, isn’t it? What am I? How should I interpret and react to that ?
Tomorrow I’ll see her. I think I might come slightly drunk. She won’t notice. But it might help me. I’ll see that. I don’t know what to feel about that. How I should feel, puting together the reality of my feelings, the reality of the situation, and her reality ?? Idk.
Please, a penny for your thoughts.
8 comments
Don’t label yourself. Don’t overthink it. Just be yourself. The heart works on a level we don’t have much, if any, control over.
You are excited about her. That isn’t cheating. That’s flirting. When excitement turns to desire then you are going to have to make some hard choices and have hard conversations.
When my wife fell in love with another woman I was very happy for her. These things happen.
Confuse…
It is possible to feel good about someone similar sex. But 1st you have to distinguish the feeling about love & sexual desire.
Don’t mix them. Love is different. So as sexual desire.
It is possible that you may be bi-sexual.
Or may be it is just a feeling which will past with time.
First give it some time.
I don’t think you need to worry about who you are or why you’re feeling it. It isn’t weird at all. It’s common to have feelings for someone else when you’re in a relationship. You’ll know over time if it’s something that happens with other women and whether you want to act on it. And it isn’t being unfaithful – as long as you stick firmly to boundaries while you’re with your boyfriend. If you’re thinking about leaving him or trying to find out if she feels the same, then it’s worth thinking seriously about what’s important to you, and then drawing lines or breaking the relationship you’re in. If you’re not sure what to do, or you know you want to stay with your boyfriend but you don’t know what to think about the way you feel about her, just be patient with yourself. You’ll have a better understanding of what you want over time. While you’re with him, just recognise the line between fantasy and reality, and wait to see how your feelings for her develop. All you need to worry about is whether you really want to act on them – if you do, that’s the point that you might have to start changing things in your life. As you’ve described it though, these are just feelings that you’re confused by. It’s completely okay to feel them. Don’t worry too much. You haven’t done anything wrong. I know it’s overwhelming, but nothing has to happen yet.
I agree with Trix. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Ah the heart wants what the heart wants. Don’t label yourself. I understand how you feel. I don’t identify myself as lesbian, but oh my God I have fallen for women in my life. While married, and never acted on it. Just sat there and stared at her like I was the moon and she was the earth. And it felt so fucking good just sitting there drinking her in.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes the heart just needs a little break. Just enjoy the feeling and don’t examine it too much.
Thanks for yor thoughts and pieces of advice. Thank you. It feels good to hear other thoughts on the matter than mine… Thanks.
=)
I would forget that genders exist for a moment and just look at your p@rtner and this new person as simply people. Are there some qualities that this new person has that you don’t see in your partner?
You mentioned she was nice with you, exceptionally open-minded, very nice and respectful. Do you feel these things from your partner? Could you be drawn to certain qualities that might be lacking in your current relationship? I’m just throwing this out there, I really know nothing about relationships. Sorry if I am way off base. I apologize.
Interesting answer, thank you. Well, the man I live with is exceptional, he is great. There certainly are things that I can’t find in him, but in her. But he is not responsible for it. That’s pretty short as an answer, but I need to think about it… Interesting point, I will try to find out what it is exactly that I love, and miss.
Thanks for your comment, really