The past hour has been dedicated through reading posts, comments and conversations on this site. It sort of helped relieve this constricting feeling in my chest, to know that there are others experiencing the near exact feelings that i’ve kept to myself for years. As well as finally feeling like this is a safe place to discuss aforementioned feelings.
I’ve had a private journal for some time on another site. I like to use it to attempt to look back at my past mind sets, and see that i’ve progressed past those terrible moments in time. Lately though, the entries have become painful reminders and bring flash backs of how those situations had felt.
Have you ever remembered a terrible time, and then a snowball effect of terrible memories flood in, one after another? Where all of the terrible feelings combine and won’t stop? That keeps happening lately.
Suicidal thoughts began around the age of 12. Being 25 now, it’s becoming tiring to hide. Some events happened this week, and the bogged down feeling increased to the point where I feel sick to my stomach and fatigue increased. Headaches follow as well. The only relief is laying in bed or under a hot shower for hours.
I try to distract myself with video games. I used to be an alcoholic ( black out every night ) but stopped a few months back. Now I have a drink maybe once a month.
Unsure how to end this now. I guess this is just me slowly sinking into publicly voicing myself with this issue. I am glad to have found this place, that much I am certainly sure of. *nod,nod.*
6 comments
When I experience a bad memory I wince. I’ve had raoid wince days. I’ve been much better lately.
I’m mad at depression because it makes me enshrine those bad memories in beautiful vesibules, ready to leap in my mind at a moment’s notice.
When I left for college my best friend threw a surprise party for me. There must have been 50 people there. It was wonderful.
Now does that memory get a special place in my mind? No. Does that memory pop into my head for no reason? No. If I want to recall that memory I have to dig for it. Depression deliberately burries memories like that.
I believe I should have an honest assessment of my past before I decide to commit suicide. This is next to impossible when all the bad memories are at my fingertips and the good memories are hiden in a bad section if town.
Sorry. Digression.
My hangovers were worse than the pain of depression so I had to stop drinking. Once my son grew up I lost interest in video games. I found chasing women to be a great distraction but the time commitment ws HUGE.
I say don’t hide your suicidal feelings. Some people say it’s not nice to expose others to my intense feelings. Fuck that. Life is raw. The only reason I don’t tell the clerk at the convenience store is I want my Twinkie as quickly as possible.
I hope you have some better days.
Depression smothering out the good memories makes sense, I never noticed that. Thinking back on the good memories, they don’t seem as vibrant or strong as the negatives, but that would again make sense from what you mentioned.
I get that scared feeling of imposing on others when I want to mention it to someone. They don’t have twinkie’s though, so maybe I should work a little bit more on that, lol.
Thank you for the thoughtful wish. Today was neutral, so it wasn’t bad. I too hope you had a good day though today.
I know how you feel, and i know how hard it is to escape from the bad memories. But there are some ways to remember the good ones. Every time you remember a good memory, write it down. Every bit of it. Then on one of your bad days, read over them. Just a thought, i think it might help. Oh, and welcome to SP.
I read somewhere that a person bought a mason jar and would put good memories into them. I think i’ll give it a shot, thank you!
Hi SleepingClover. 🙂 Welcome to the site.
I’m sorry that lately you’ve been feeling more like you did in the past. I’m sorry the suicidal thoughts have been there for so long. I think talking about it is a good start for most of us. It isn’t an end to the pain but it can bring a lot of relief.
I know what you mean by the snowball effect re painful memories. Hopefully talking could be one way of halting those thoughts in their tracks sometimes.
I don’t know how to end this either… I’m glad you found this place. 🙂 I hope it provides some relief for you.
Thank you for the welcome! I woke up this morning and cried reading the comments. There’s always been a fear discussing these topics, but everyone’s kind and helpful, and I’m very grateful.