I feel so alone and empty, dead inside, but sad and deeply hurting. I wish the guy I have lover and given everything to would value my existence even 1/10th of what little I feel I may be valued at my 2nd job. I mean, my 2nd job has just become the first place where I receive a little bit of praise and my ideas are accepted and not argued. But I wish I were worth something to him. I feel like in his ideal world, I’d be out of his life entirely and he would forget he ever met me.
Of course, he didn’t come visit me when he was out yesterday and running around the neighborhood my 2nd job is at and near.
How can he not want to talk to me or be around me after I gave so much of myself and we shared so much and seemed so close? How can I be so hideously disgusting and repulsive that anyone would want to get rid of me after having once been close to me?
I think of the times we had that seemed so close. I think of how he let me massage him so many times, but only the first two times did I get to do a full body massage with him naked. Believe me I loved that. I loved touching his ass. I can’t help myself, he’s just so fuckin’ sexy to me. He’s got such a sexy body head to toe. And that was right up my alley, something I had always thought about but didn’t really understand. Now I get it and I’m a fan of body worship. I wanted to go a lot further for his birthday but was afraid to suggest it because I know he wouldn’t let me. And now, after promises he made before he knew he’d get to live in the city again, he moves to the city and it’s like I’m history and something else he wants to erase from his mind and life. Why do I have to be so worthless that someone would want to get rid of me after all that intimacy and the deep conversations we’d occasionally stumble into? He lives for himself obviously but still.. If I even looked half way human, any sane person would hang on to the person who worships you and wants to lick you head to toe every day of their life. But I don’t look human in any way shape or form. I mean, obviously we know we are all a person, but after a certain level of hideousness, there is shock, repulsion and horror, and I exist beyond the point that causes people to vomit, walk away from me, and want to shut me out. Why must I go through life being this disgusting?
1 comment
I’m glad you’re being valued in your job.
I think you have to start focusing on this guy’s flaws. Yes, I know how much you love him and how attracted you are to him. But you can see the things going wrong in your relationship and every time you manage to use yourself as the reason. If you can start to see that he’s the one stopping the things you want from happening, you’ll start to see him as he is. I’m not saying you should think badly of him – just that you should see him in a more realistic light.
“If I even looked half way human” – Even if you’d been joking, you shouldn’t say things like that about yourself. Don’t use this guy as a reason to hate yourself more. Don’t justify him ignoring you, and not making an effort to keep you in his life or make you feel like a valuable friend, by criticising and hurting yourself. You’re not the one who’s causing this. None of us can help who we fall in love with or who we’re attracted to, and if he doesn’t feel that way about you then it just isn’t meant to be. It isn’t his fault or yours. But it doesn’t sound like he’s ever been that kind to you as a friend, either. You had terrible birthdays growing up and yet you were the one trying so hard to make his better, because he complained about his. It doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near as thoughtful or considerate towards you as you are for him. It isn’t *you*. It’s him. You’re not the reason for him being the way he is.