There is a moment when you look into the eyes of the people you love and see how much pain you are putting them through. There is a moment when you see the worry and the suffering and the fear- and the exhaustion you are putting them through. How their movements become slower, as if the world is weighing on their shoulders. There is a moment when you remember just how worthless you are- just how much you aren’t worth it.
I looked into my mom’s eyes tonight and saw the fear in them. I saw the worry, and the pain of 20 years of having to deal with two bipolar people. I saw just how fucking tired she is, and how much I know she wishes my father and I could be normal. And I haven’t even told her just how suicidal I am.
She’s been an alcoholic for years- dealing with a verbally abusive husband who is full of anxiety and is bipolar tests your nerves after 20 years.
I AM the reason there is a haunted look in her eyes. I AM the reason she has cried herself to sleep so many nights because she knows I can’t sleep and that I am silently destroying myself in my room.
I even gave her false hope. After two suicide attempts last year, she finally thought I was gettign better. College, less stress, better friends- my mood soared. But that’s the funny thing about being bi polar. It’s all a fucking lie. You hit the highest highs and the lowest lows- you go from loving life to wanting to leave it behind.
I don’t think I can put my mother through many more moments. I cannot see that haunted look in her eyes… knowing full well I put it there.
I don’t think I can stand to make many more moments.
14 comments
oh TaDB…
I have encountered you on this site many times, and I can attest to the worth you contain. I would (with great gentleness and care) force you to see it if I could.
It’s a stressful situation on all of you, and you specifically are not the cause of pain on their part. You are all dealing as best you can with the darkness that you each carry, and no one can lay claim to carry the guilt for being the reason for any of it, as none of you really chose these shadows. Your parents made their own choices in life, and maybe you all don’t cope in a way that is the most beneficial for you, but there are many times when just getting by is all you can hope for. That does not mean you have reached a plateau where improvement is impossible.
Your mother loves you dearly, and so is of course hurt when you are hurt. She wishes as much as you do that you don’t have to deal with this pain. But that is not a ‘burden’ she would want lifted.
It wasn’t false hope you gave her. It was just one of the upsides to this roller coaster you are on, and you will reach those heights again. She has had familiarity with this affliction, and knows how uncertain it is. I know this must be exhausting on all of you, and I’m sorry for that. I hope there will be a way for you to reach some level of stability.
Thank you so much x. I can attest to your worth as well :). You are a smashingly wonderful individual who contains a wonderful amount of priceless advice. And I think you are right… maybe it would be more painful for my mother to not have me in her life, rather have me as I am now? I just know how my episodes affect her, and I hate putting her through that.
Thank you for sharing this. I am going to say something I rarely do in this forum (in the short time I have been a member). It gets better. Before you say BUUULLLSHIT and go on with your day let me explain.
I grew up in circumstances very similar to yours, and I won’t go into all the details of how we compare of do a 1:1 ratio of your circumstances vs. mine, suffice to say they are a mirror of each other.
My teen years were a soup pot of insanity, both in my own heart and caused by the individuals that raised me. Adults have a specific role in this world, and that role is to be adults. The adults in your life are not fulfilling their specific role, which is to be adults. Parents have a specific role in this world, and that is the caring for the children they are responsible for, their children, the friends of their children, the children placed in their care. I would argue all adult are responsible for all children but that is a wider conversation and not appropriate for this post.
So I look at your situation and a human being who has people not fulfilling any of their contract. And let me make this next statement clear: YOU have no contract with them, you are the child in the situation, and even if you are 35 years old YOU are the child in the situation. They have broken their contract with you, both as adults in this world and parents to you.
So how does it get better? Right now it seems like the bubble you are in will never break and the only way to break it is to leave this world. I get that, it makes perfect sense. But let me state this as well, if you walk forward, and if you walk forward long enough and far enough these people get left behind, it gets better, it gets clearer. And it isn’t immediate, there is no immediate fix to any of this. But you can fix YOU. These contract breakers who are raising you are not fixable, and your mother father will be left behind if you keep walking forward.
There are people waiting for you to join you in the future but you can’t meet them unless you start walking forward, that is what I did I just started walking. The people I left behind, they yelled at me, accused me of abandoning them, still accuse me of living well, of having a wonderful life. How dare I leave them behind and find happiness. About three times a year for approximately 45 seconds I feel guilty about it and then think, “nah fuckit I’m good” and go on with my day.
So please don’t sell yourself short. Before you leave start walking and find the people waiting for you.
Your ending to this bit of advice was beautiful, just so you know 🙂
My mom is doing the best she can, but I can only imagine how hard it is for her, and I’m tired of being so difficult to deal with. Jut have to keep putting one foot in front of the other 🙂
Thanks love
I feel sorry for my mother every time I visit her. Which typically ends with her sobbing uncontrollably in a drunken stupor begging for forgiveness or some sort or another. Walking forward does not mean not loving, it means loving yourself first. It matters little how hard it is for her, you have empathy, I get that, so do I. It never stops, but it does get easier to deal with.
There is an issue of respect.
We try to respect your decision to kill yourself yet you won’t respect you mother’s desire for you to keep living. It’s not for you to say how much pain you are to your mother. She’s not a child. It’s for her to decide if you are too much of a burden. Respect her.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t kill yourself. If the pain is too great and you’ve exhausted all your options then I wish you peace. What I’m saying is don’t use the “burden argument” as justification. That’s just crazy logic that your depression comes up with.
I hope I wasn’t too harsh. I get exercised about this. Two months ago I was justifying my impending demise with that argument. I point blank asked people if I was a burden. They screamed no at me. Even gimpy, depressed, unemployed, and sucky my friends and family wanted me alive. Maybe because I was the only one that could fix the iPad. I may never know.
Let’s face reality here seesmith, sometimes it IS all about the iPad.
^^^^meant as joke btw.
You’re totally right. It’s not my place to tell the people in my life whether I’m a burden to them or not. That’s their choice. And that now makes me sound deathly selfish… which is something I never want to be. Thank you so much SeeSmith. No one has ever given me that side of the story before- wow. Ok thanks again, love 🙂
Hey… I know how much it hurts, I really do. And I know how you yearn to be free of the pain. Thank you for, um, not being offended by my tone.
My dad is very unhappy with his COPD and rheumatoid arthritis and I have to wait on him hand and foot. I don’t want him to think that he is a burden and eat a bunch of pills while I’m not looking. I love him so much and we have such little time left. If his pain is too much then that’s one thing… But being a burden? His “burdensomeness” is SO irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
Hey, it was kind of a wake up call, in a way. It wasn’t rough- it was real, and I thank you for giving me that perspective 🙂
I struggle with the same thoughts. All my parents ever wanted for me was to be happy. All my mum ever wanted from me was grandchildren. All my father ever wanted from me was a grandson to carry on the family name as I am the only son. It is devastating to watch my mother crying while she asks me, “Why can’t you find a nice woman and have a family, you would have made a good father, why wont any woman accept you?” How do I answer that. I just try to make a joke of it and change the subject but I know how I have failed my parents. They have asked me, “What did we do wrong.”
It does make me wonder if just being alive is adding to their torture in their final years. They are both in their 70’s now and sadly they still hold onto the hope that I will meet someone. My mum has said that she just wants to know I have someone to love me and look after me before she dies. Knowing that I get no enjoyment from life and I am making my parents final years much worse just by being here is hard to take.
I really do know how much it must be hurting you but you are young and you still have hope for a good future. There are always new medications and new treatments being developed. I hope you can stay strong because I know your mother, just like my mother and all mothers just want the very best for their children.
Thank you Mike 🙂 And you’re right- there are always new beginnings and new developments, i just need to stick around in order to find them. I’m sorry about your predicament 🙁 I truly hope you find a lovely woman who adores you, who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Thanks love 🙂
I’ve seen that pain that you mention, in both my grandmother/mother’s eyes. As much as i care about my grandmother i couldn’t give less fucks about my mother (sad to say, but i have this honesty thing going), but i do care greatly about their pain, and if one thing is certain is that the pain of having to endure my “episodes” is lots less than the pain of not having me around. Not that i think that i’m such a big thing or that i’m important, but i am to them, otherwise they wouldn’t endure everything they do for me, and i’m guessing it’s the same in your case.
SeeSmith said it perfectly (as usual, that man is a freaking prophet, lol), enduring our hardships with us is a choice that our parents make, and even if we can take it away from them, it’s their choice to make. I know it’s a personal choice, but i do think that the least we can do is respect their right to want to help us (at least until we’re not around anymore… if that ever happens).
Other than that, life itself does that “slow-mo-tireness” to people, so it’s likely that plays a part on your moms overall mood/health as well, aging isn’t fun physically speaking. I do hope you find a way to manage your issues, you’re pretty cool and always nice to people around here.