There is a moment when you look into the eyes of the people you love and see how much pain you are putting them through. There is a moment when you see the worry and the suffering and the fear- and the exhaustion you are putting them through. How their movements become slower, as if the world is weighing on their shoulders. There is a moment when you remember just how worthless you are- just how much you aren’t worth it.
I looked into my mom’s eyes tonight and saw the fear in them. I saw the worry, and the pain of 20 years of having to deal with two bipolar people. I saw just how fucking tired she is, and how much I know she wishes my father and I could be normal. And I haven’t even told her just how suicidal I am.
She’s been an alcoholic for years- dealing with a verbally abusive husband who is full of anxiety and is bipolar tests your nerves after 20 years.
I AM the reason there is a haunted look in her eyes. I AM the reason she has cried herself to sleep so many nights because she knows I can’t sleep and that I am silently destroying myself in my room.
I even gave her false hope. After two suicide attempts last year, she finally thought I was gettign better. College, less stress, better friends- my mood soared. But that’s the funny thing about being bi polar. It’s all a fucking lie. You hit the highest highs and the lowest lows- you go from loving life to wanting to leave it behind.
I don’t think I can put my mother through many more moments. I cannot see that haunted look in her eyes… knowing full well I put it there.
I don’t think I can stand to make many more moments.