Sorry, long post…
I’ve been very well for quite a while, but in the last two months, depression has crept back in. I’ve been reading SP for a while now, again, after a long absence. After a long and slow build-up during the last few weeks I’ve today finally come to the decision that my life will end. My sons have reached adulthood, they were always the main reason for me to fight on, and they are still a good reason to do so, but not with the same absoluteness than when they were still underage, and I was the absolutely only family they had.
Well, I am not going to do anything right now. This is too big a decision to make in one day, but I’ve set a plan in motion, and that has brought me such a sense of relief and peace and has energised me to do the first steps. For starters, my house, my paperwork, everything is a mess. Good friends of mine recently had to work through a deceased estate of another friend, and that place too was such a mess, they were appalled how anybody could have lived so unorganised and messy and dirty. I will cause enough pain by my suicide, I don’t really want to inflict additional frustration by leaving a mess behind. So therefore I set myself a to-do list, and a date in about 5-6 weeks.
Who knows, maybe cleaning up my life and my house will give me enough of a lift to change my mind. Then again, maybe not. I will also book a major holiday in the next few days. This would be for after my “date”, but may still entice me to delay, and last time I went for such a holiday, I came back feeling much better. So I’ve got a few escape clauses built into my plan, because I owe it to those who love me that I try my best. On the other hand, I have struggled for so long, and and I have had so many, prolonged and extremely serious episodes of depression (over the last 35 years!), that it is in my opinion equally justified to say “Enough is enough, this time I will not fight back, I will just let myself sink, and give in”.
I wrote it all up in a little list. Just writing it out like that has given me enough energy and motivation to get started on chores that I just couldn’t bring myself to do before. I’ve already sorted out all my bills and paperwork, some dating back more than 3 months! And at the same time started to write up a list of all my account numbers etc, for the poor person who will have to sort out my estate.
This is what the list looks like (details like method and names edited out).
To do before day X:
• Book my holiday – it might give me the lift I need to overcome this relapse.
• Pay all outstanding bills, and sort out any outstanding paperwork.
• Write down all account numbers, PINs, passwords etc, for bank, insurance, super, life insurance.
• Update my will. Leave my parrot to X (my partner).
• Get a big bin and clean out spare room
• Sort through my cloth and clean up bedroom and bathroom.
• Clean up kitchen, esp. fridge and pantry.
• Organise a cleaner to come once a week (for the sake of my sons, but it may also lift my spirits if my life is better organised).
• Return any borrowed books etc.
• Write a letter – include D.s (my psychologist) contact details and encourage (my sons) to see her.
• At work, write some more documentation so that my co-workers can continue to work on my project.
• Do a test run with …
WHEN IM ALL PREPARED, re-think whether I am still 100% sure. Sorting out my life may have made me feel better. Consider waiting until after the holiday. Suicide doesn’t go anywhere, but it will hurt the people I love most immensely.
Allow myself the free choice to die, but also offer myself the chance to recover if possible.
For day X:
• Book a motel room for a Sunday night.
• Buy and prepare the materials I need
• Practice …, so I won’t fumble or panic on the day.
• On the Thursday before, use … to schedule a test email to myself the next morning.
• The Friday before, at work, schedule an email to LifeLine, scheduled for Monday, 9:30 in the morning, with details of what I’ve done and where my body can be found. Should I change my mind, I can just delete the message when I come to work, with a one hour safety margin. OTOH, the email will go out before check-out time, so the motel staff will not have to discover my body.
• Do it Sunday night, after a nice dinner, a little wine but not drunk, so that I can exit with a clear mind.
• Post on SP
• Celebrate the imminent end of my life.
• Set everything up….
• As the last act of my life, other than ending it, pray. Give thanks to God for all the good things He has given me, ask Him to look after those who will grieve for me and ask for His forgiveness.
• Peacefully, self-lovingly, willingly, without guilt or doubt, give myself the ultimate gift of eternal peace, release myself from all pain, fear, dread, sadness and bitterness, into the velvety, final, relief of death.
34 comments
I really like the way you have planned things out. Of course I (irrationally) hope that the plans make things a bit better so that the final plan can at least be postponed. I really feel for you, struggling on for so long. Well, as I say I hope that the plans help a bit and if not you have tried your best. Thanks for sharing. If the time comes for me I hope that I will remember your post and do something similar as far as organisation is concerned.
SoVeryTired,
don’t know what to say? the urge is strong, for me as well, today would be perfect for me i’m all alone and tired. but maybe things can get better? i think there’s always that chance to start a new beginning, i mean a complete make over, new direction new dreams, i think we should both try that before throwing in the towel.
“There is always that chance to start a new beginning…”. I’ve done that already too often. It requires immense mental strength. I twice had to completely rebuild my life after a disastrous marriage break up. When my second marriage ended, I had just come out of a psychiatric hospital, had lost my job and career due to my depression, and because of the f..d up way my ex treated me, ended up penniless and temporarily homeless for 7 months (although good friends ensured I was never without a roof over my head). From that I fought back so that I now again have a home, a job, and even a loving partner. I know all about fighting back.
Thing is, there is nothing really seriously wrong with my life. My work sucks, I love the job itself but my boss is an authoritarian control freak, and it’s triggering all my old abuse-trauma buttons. But I am hyper specialised, and would find it very difficult to find another job. Plus my colleagues are actually all very nice, and the work itself is good. Just the boss.
It’s not so much about a new beginning, it’s about the inevitability with which I relapse, after being quite well for some time. I’ve seen it coming for a long time. To the outside world I am still functioning perfectly well, but it’s becoming harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. When I finally do get out, I often don’t shower for days in a row, as I just am to lethargic. Once I am at work, it’s like I put on a costume, and I’m all efficient and capable etc. Then I get home, the facade drops, and don’t have the energy to cook or do anything. I think you can count on one hand the number of proper meals I cooked in the last three months. I drink too much, although never so much that I am seriously drunk. But still too much to be healthy, and just about every day. My house has been sliding into a chaotic dirty mess, because I just can’t keep up with the chores.
@Rocketman, I know things can get better. And then they get worse. And then they get better. And then they get worse…. I’ve lost the faith that things will get ever better for good. I’ve had so many serious episodes of depression, starting when I was 15, and I am 50 now. I am tired of fighting the battle of getting up again and again and again.
@bruiseviolet: thanks for your words. I have the same hope, small but there, that all this setting my affairs in order will actually make me feel better. And I am feeling better now, but not in a way that makes me wanna continue to live, but just in a relieved kind of way, that I today achieved a lot to get closer to my goal. My decision has given me so much energy, I’ve sorted through tons of stuff, and tomorrow I will do more of the same. I look forward to the day when all my affairs are in order, and then I am really free to go, free to decide one way or the other.
It’s telling, isn’t it, that now I am doing it in order to be able to die, I have all the energy to do these chores, when before I struggled to even get through the basics.
SoVeryTired,
OH I understand to well, were on the same ship, i keep fighting day after day, probably in worse shape then you! i am so tired. i’m not trying to talk you out of anything but it is possible something can change your mind i wounder what?
Sounds like you reached most of the same decisions I did. I’m about your age, probably a little older, but we have a lot in common. I know now that I have had depression most of my life. I had a terrible back surgery a few years ago which left me some what crippled and stuck at home, family gone and no friends in the area, so lots of time for reflection.
That’s when I realized the depression has been with me for decades. Too many stories to tell. The spine eventually healed a little and I can get out now but I’m no longer sure I want to. I hate doing things alone and those happy go lucky types would never understand me enough to date. Plus the back issues might be coming around again and I will never survive round 2.
I’ll skip all the might-have-beens but I will say…what if you were to find someone who understood you, your depression, and was able to create a million smiles with you? Wouldn’t that be a good reason to stay? I know it would for be for me but I sort of think those days are past. So let me say this…
I hope the method you have chosen is not hanging, because that isn’t as easy as people seem to assume. Few do it right and then it becomes a very prolonged torture on the way out. My brother hung himself in 2010 and suffered greatly.
When he did, I was the only relative left to take care of his stuff, which is what ruined my back and after the horrible surgery, set me on the same path he took. So keep that in mind when you consider those you leave behind. First, leaving them a mess and a lot to move is not only terribly depressing but it might actually physically hurt them, do you want that? Second, make sure you update your Will and give someone Power of Attorney so all your stuff doesn’t get stuck in a legal nightmare for loved ones to deal with. At the very least, do a free consultation with a lawyer and get the forms needed for a loved one to take control of you assets. Its a simple form and only requires notarization…and it can save them a lot of headaches.
Next…like you I plan to do the hotel room…but more for fun then my last stop. Instead I plan to book a week or two in London or somewhere cool. I’m having a little fun on my way out the door. And for me personally, I’ll be sitting on a high mountain watching the sun come up as my light goes out. Sober and straight because I don’t want to risk spending eternity hurling over some cloudy toilet. More importantly, I sore long ago never to make the decision to leave if I was anything but sober. It’s too easy to get buzzed on something and make a stupid decision, but straight and sober, I know I wouldn’t do it unless it was the right decision for me. I won’t let emotion make my decision for me. It has to be based on logic and a clear mind.
I should also point out that in most countries no more than half your bills will require payment…so do all you can to make sure you leave every cent you can to loved ones and not banks or the government.
And a note on that cleaning you plan to do, good idea. A dirty house is depressing….it actually increases depression in those living in it, but also in those required to empty it out.
Like you I have a list of things to do in the month prior, then the day before stuff, then the ‘found with me stuff’…letters to friends or family, instructions to the family. And also keep in mind, if you’re a renter…the landlord or staff may come in a steal half your stuff before your family gets there…which is another good reason to do things away from home and leave keys with family.
I sincerely hope you find some very good reasons to stick around. Truth is that, as long as you have your health then there is no problem you cannot solve with a game plan and patience, but I understand all too well that when the health goes we no longer have options to improve our lives and the hopes and dreams begin to fade. I wish you all the best, in this life or the next.
@rocketman: Ive followed your posts and comments for a long time, so you are a very familiar name to me. I am so sorry you are so bad. Of course it’s possible that something will change my mind. If anything then that will be my sons and some other very close friends.
It may also be that the depression just lifts. It’s happened before. Nothing is set in stone, even to the last minute, that’s why I plan to time the sending of the email so that I have opportunity to change my mind.
It’s just that having made up my mind, it feels so totally right. I’m sad that I’ll never get to hold a grandchild of mine, I’m sad that it looks like this illness will finally win after all. I’m tearing up as I write this. But I don’t want to keep fighting. I just want to let myself sink and give in.
One more note…I learned the hard way that alcohol is the worst thing in the world for depression. So if you try to put up even a half-assed fight against depression, then you have to leave the booze completely alone. It isn’t a matter of being drunk or not. Just having it in the system changes the emotions and attitudes. Few realize the extent it can do these things, even months after the last drink.
It’s a myth. There is no such thing as “drowning our sorrows”. Only getting drunk enough to ignore them temporarily and then make them worse…with alcohol.
I know that. I do feel worse when I drink. That’s why I know that I’ve been going downhill for months, I know that drinking more is one of my first warning signs of relapse.
The thing is, I don’t even want to put a half-assed fight up anymore. I’ve given up. But, you’ve encouraged me to at least try that, and not drink, at least not when I am on my own. Thanks!
SoVeryTired,
ok do me a favor them postpone it one more week, what’s a week? it might make a difference.
My date is in 5 or 6 weeks, so i am doing that anyway. Thanks. That’s how long it is going to take to sort through my mess.
I guess we are about the same age 🙂 Rock on…
whisper,
i’ll drink to that! first a few slices of last nights pizza.
…pass the pizza dude!
@whisper: Thanks for your very thoughtful response. I do actually have a loving partner in my life. He is committed to me, and when I am with him, I do feel much better. But it doesn’t change anything about me being depressed. As soon as he leaves (we don’t live together), I deflate like a leaky balloon.
All your comments about not leaving a mess behind are very valid, hence my plan, and my list. When I leave, my house will be organised, clean, and decluttered. All my bills will be paid (even if it’s not legally necessary to pay them all, I will feel better that way). My will will be up-to date and I’ll make sure that it will be as easy as possible to sort through my financials by having everything documented. I’ve already done most of that today, and will add to the list as I go through the next few weeks.
I don’t rent, I own my house outright, so that’s no problem. I will pass that on to my two sons, who will then be able to continue to live there, and with a cleaner organised, they should be able to cope, at least regarding the practicalities. They are very independent. This way also very few things will need to be moved. I have life insurance, and it does cover suicide, so they won’t have to worry financially. I can even leave some money to my partner, so he can afford to put a deposit down on a house, and leave some money to my best friends, who are struggling in financially in their retirement. I am not wealthy, but between the life insurance and my retirement savings, I can at least do some good, not that it will ever make up for anything.
“As long as you have your health…” I have my physical health, by and large, and hearing your story and some of the other stories here of people with chronic pain and other terrible illnesses, I know that that’s a blessing. However, mentally, psychologically, I am far from healthy. I have chronic, recurring major depression, combined with anxiety, PTSD, and borderline traits. Despite years of therapy, medication, hospitalisation, …. I can’t beat this.
I agree with you on being sober when suiciding. This will be the most important, totally irreversible decision in my life. I don’t want to get that wrong.
As far as method goes, no, no hanging. He. So, so sorry to hear about your brother.
The reason for the hotel room is so there is no chance of my sons to find me by accident. I will notify an authority by delayed email, and ask them to send police to the location. Trying very much to minimise trauma.
whisper,
i would you know that! I’ve been having horrible chest pains every bone in my body hurts, keeps me awake for hours, this has been going on for the last week, first i try 800 mg ibuprofen then a lorasapan, then regular extra strength aspirin, I just lie there holding my chest turning this way that way wishing I was dead, finally I fall to sleep, wake up and start drinking, get on here to keep my mind busy, yes I went to the doctor they can’t find anything wrong, but what a hell of a way to keep going? I have a lot of property it was full of weeds I got a fine HOA and went out last week and cleaned it up, the reason it got bad is because I was going to the doctor for a heart attack I had a few months ago, and I didn’t care about fucking weeds at that moment, well all the test came back good, so I did the yard work, I think I over did it? Who fucking knows?
Leave it to a fucking HOA to fine a guy who just had a heart attach instead of asking the homeowner why they let their yard get in that state. I hate hate hate HOA’s. When I hear things like this I just want to drive over to your neighborhood and ***** slap all those idiots who think the length of grass makes for good community.
My mother has an immaculate lawn. She is quite possibly the most evil woman I have ever had the displeasure to meet.
Hazy Day Sunflower, i always enjoy hearing from you! you are my hero! 🙂
why thankyou Rocketman. And thanks for turning my sight red thinking of fucking HOA’s.
You sound very thoughtful and kind. I’m sure many will miss you greatly. I’m sure you know this but, depression doesn’t fix itself and I personally have no faith in pills. I think its a daily battle we have to fight…which sometimes takes enormous effort. I clean my house when I don’t feel like moving, I throw myself in the shower because that makes me feel a little more alive and better about myself. I avoid the booze and I even eventually figured out that ‘sad songs’ were making me sad…dah, imagine that…so though I love them…I now avoid those too.
I used to believe I had depression completely under control and that I drank or smoked or engaged in bad habits because I knew I was in control. I used to joke that I controlled it 95% of the time and then would sit down, get drunk and take it out and play with it for a while, then put it back in it’s bottle, under my control, and go back to pretending everything was fine. But I know now I was wrong and that I never really had it under control. I just found many ways to hide or ignore it.
I do a much better job now of controlling it…just when my health went down hill and there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s like…I finally figured out how to control the depression well enough to make a nice life…and my health went to hell so that I don’t have much opportunity to put the lessons learned to good use.
Seems kind of unfair but no one ever said life was fair. I guess we take the good times and learn to appreciate them so its easier to get through the bad times.
Thanks for your kind words on my brother, that was unbelievably sad. The only reason I’m sure I will be ending things myself is because I know I’m leaving no one behind to hurt as he hurt me. It isn’t easy to know what our leaving by our own hand might do to those we love…so I hope you give that a lot of thought (as I’m sure you have).
I like the way you describe it – taking you depression out and playing with it a little bit, then putting it back in its bottle, or rather thinking wrongly you can. Very apt analogy. I do that. I also get triggered by stuff I have limited control over, and then it takes great discipline not to slide back, and I’m far from perfect, and this time I wasn’t disciplined enough. And now the genie is well and truely out of the bottle. Good night now, in my corner of the world it’s getting late. Thanks to all.
Rocketman…
I have the chest pains too. I especially had them when I drank for a few years. In fact what eventually happened to me was that the booze would keep me awake and make my heart beat out of my chest. I stopped the booze years ago but it seems to have done some nerve damage to my legs…they cringe while I sleep…which often wakes me up.
I’m currently taking Dilaudid and Percocet for the spine…and I hate it. I was up to 20 a day after the back surgery and took myself off them cold turkey. I fought like hell for 4 years to recover from the surgery and get off the pills…and end the depression. But now they tell me my spine is falling apart again and its more surgery and more pill addiction. I think I would rather give up. That first back surgery was beyond a nightmare where pain is concerned. I describe it as about the same as if we took off our shoe, stood on a rock, and let someone pound our toes flat with a hammer. Every 20 minutes all day everyday, for 4 years. That’s the only thing I can think of that might equal the pain the doctors left me in. And that is no way to live. I won’t do it again…I can’t believe I lived through that the first time. I won’t do it a second time. Its an easy choice to make.
whisper,
really! i hate to say it but we have a lot in common!!! oh boy! i also went to the doctor for my back i have 2 bulging ruptured disc and severe arthritis, i said WTF are you taking about? severe arthritis!
That blew my mine!
Yep arthritis here too. I used to think I was made of steel and beat myself up when I was young…and I’m paying for it now. My mother died due to complications after back surgery. It nearly killed me..and would have if it wasn’t for a couple of cats I couldn’t find a home for. Do you know any cat lovers? lol
3rd leading cause of death in the US…is the healthcare system.
whisper,
you have cats too! this is amazing!!! i have 3, are you sure we aren’t brothers or something? 🙂
I’ve got two
@Soverytired: Having gone through what I went through yesterday, I totally understand your point of view. But I also understand that I can get better. I don’t know today. I want to say you have so much more to do in this life, especially if you have a loving partner.
@soverytired: my comment is in moderation because I said P@rtner.
They say ‘sensitive men’ are the cat owners…which might explain a higher rate of depression? I’m sensitive but surly and ornery…which has been a tough combination to live with through life.
I love cats. Life wouldn’t be worth living if there weren’t cats in it. I train them….so well that I have to be careful that neighbors don’t steal them. They know several hand gestures, a few whistles and a dozen words. Very smart critters!
Bros in fur! 🙂
*awful negative comment deleted due to extreme negativity.
lol…so everyone on this site apparently owns cats? What a bunch of softies! My pleasure to meet you all! 🙂
whisper,
mine are amazing as well that’s what really keeps me going, what would happen to them with out me? i know the fucking gas chamber! i don’t trust anyone with my babies!
I am exactly the same. After the back surgery I prayed to find someone to take them so I would know they’d be okay…and if I would have found that person I would absolutely not be here now. The pain was so horrible that it would have been a blessing to end it. But I could not leave my cats to an unknown fate. They depend on me to take care of them…which does not include that gas chamber.
Hazy Day Sunflower,
next time say shit howdy cos?
This made me tear up. Made me sad. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace 🙁