Yes, all the time. In so many ways. Jipped out of knowing what it’s like to be loved, be married, have a career, and be able to walk around freely & do things that a cripple like myself can’t do! 🙁
I grew up in abject poverty. Never had toys or games, or even a pair of shoes that didn’t have holes in them. Never had a childhood. Had to start working at the age of 7. Always so cold and hungry. Then I went to college. I was full of hope. I thought I could turn my life around. I worked so hard. Then I started getting sick at 17. It wasn’t too bad. Then ER visits at 23. Still don’t know what it is but I’m sure it was due to a life-long malnutrition and lack of proper care (medical, nutrition, physical and otherwise) from age 5-17.
But I was relatively okay and still able to fend for myself at least. Then at 28 some ass of a driver didn’t stop at a red light and basically fucked up my body and fucked up the rest of my life. Every day is painful. I have life-long chronic issues that’s never going to go away unless I die.
I’ve never had a chance in life. And I’m fucking pissed about that.
I don’t know what I can do other than be depressed. Normal, healthy people are always saying sh*t like “just think positive! just think about all the GOOD things in your life” blah blah crap. Just makes me MORE pissed off at everyone, because you know that means:
1- They don’t care enough to actually HELP
2- They think all you need to do is THINK happy and poof* my life is suddenly going to be magically better. And the reason why my life isn’t better is because I’m “not thinking positive” *face palm*
3- They blame you for being depressed, which then makes you MORE depressed because it’s not like we CHOOSE or WANT to be depressed.
4- They all just want you to shut up. Unless you want to talk about happy unicorns n’ shit.
Heck, I get this from other depressed people too. Like really? You think that all anyone needs to do is THINK positive and that their life is going to magically get better? I’m sorry but I’m going to need a healthy functioning body first.
Is there any way to slowly work towards a healthy functioning body? I know you said that you have a LOT of medical issues, and I’m not discounting them in any way. You have come a long way from your childhood. I totally admire you for that. I had a pretty poor childhood but no where near the scale you did. You got a college education, no mean feat given where you came from. I totally get where you are coming from though.
So is there any way to take baby steps? Not to flush everything you have achieved so far in your life? Because make no mistake you have achieved a lot even though you feel as if it is all ruined.
Not really. My health has taken a sharp nosedive this year. It had always been bad, but this year was BAD. Had multiple hand and feet injuries. And it’s not like you get injured and you bounce back. Each injury weakens me more and more. And limits my mobility more and more. And it’s not like what I have can be fixed. So I’m screwed.
I am poor, disabled, sick, and I have NO ONE to help me, so I’m stuck.
See, the ONLY reason I haven’t been able to kill myself is because of that fact that I DIDN’T when I was 7, and chose to live, and worked so damn hard, that to kill myself now after having worked so hard is that killing myself *now* would negate ALL the fucking hard work and effort I had put in all these fucking years.
So I don’t really want to die. But I don’t want to suffer anymore either. My entire life I’ve suffered. And I’m really fucking tired of suffering. And as long as I’m alive, as long as I have these physical problems, I will continue to suffer. :'(
I honestly wish I HAD offed myself when I was 7. That way, I wouldn’t have needlessly had to live through all the horrors I had to go through.
I’m ANGRY that life has been so shitty to me. What did I ever do to deserve such a horrific life? The things I had to endure all these years? It started when I was 7 so it’s not like I had a choice. I had always been a good person. Yet I see so many shitty evil people, many of whom I know well, who have everything and have great lives?
People always say shit like “so what, life’s not fair.” But it DOES mean something when the world is unjust.
I have to say this (even if i missed this post due to real life bs)… honestly? i admire you for sticking for so long under those conditions. I know how dealing with physical issues than don’t go away (and increase over time) is, and even if mine aren’t anything near as difficult as yours, you’re right on when saying the “think positive” other people tend to give you is bs. I mean, if there was a choice to fix everything and you were refusing it, sure, but i’m pretty sure if there was that, you would have took it already.
That said, have you exhausted all options? i’ve seen pretty extremes conditions go undiagnosed properly for years (been there as well), and some are indeed, solvable when given a good diagnose. I have to try a couple more wild cards myself the next year, so… yeah, it was worth mentioning.
Mf is going to a Voodoo dr. next week, he’s taking my chicken that crows with him as a sacrifice. My neighbor thanks him dearly.
KIDDING!
Seriously though Bah, humor aside, Mf has a very good point. There may be something that hasn’t been tried yet, or you may even go into spontaneous remission. I’m not sure what your diagnosis is but there is always hope.
In all seriousness, that’s one of the last things in my list (if i can find one). I was actually befriending you so i could ask for one of your chickens.
But, seriously, yup, you never know. One of the things that help me deal with one of my chronic pains is doing the exact opposite than i’m supposed to do. So… maybe another approach is needed. Better to exhaust all options.
Anyway, was saying don’t get me started on the whole dr thing. I’ve seen A TON of drs. Just very frustrating. At this point, I’d very much like a bionic body, or heck, trade this body for a new one, a healthy one. I had a great body. Sigh, I miss my old body before the accident and all that. ARGGH.
They are currently a bunch of resentful teenaged freeloaders. I’m hopeful in the next month though. The problem is that the other people I live with have this notion we need to hatch some more chickens from these eggs. FML
It’s so hard on so many levels. One is obviously the physical shit I gotta deal with every day of my sad, suffering life. Then there’s the shit I get from other people. Both healthy and sick. Mainly from the healthy “normal” people who just don’t get it. Eh, I was gonna go more with this but realized that’s a lot of typing so gonna be lazy and not type all that. But I’m sure some of you get what I’m trying to say.
Sounds even sitter than my life, yet similar. I was 20, and a doctor wanted to cut a hole in my back to see the base of my spine. Tore the shit out of the lumbar region, fucked up my whole life. Yeah, I feel your pain. I’m truly sorry you never had decent shoes.
Life. Sucks. Life is shitty for some of us. It’s shitty what I had to go through my entire life and still going through. And shitty how that dr fucked up your life. WHY would he want to cut it up and see the spine in the first place? Wouldn’t an MRI show what he needed to see *without* cutting you up? The spine is like the most delicate part of your body.
I can absolutely relate to how you are feeling. It’s like that Gwyneth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors. If only you had been a few minutes later that day, the accident would never have happened and your already fucked life wouldn’t have become even more fucked up. My life has always been fucked but an accident made things even worse.
I was a pedestrian struck by a high speed semi trailer back in 1997, I was working as a Correctional Officer and I went to visit a prostitute. She broke down and told me she was being bashed by her boyfriend and he was taking all her money that she needed for her family back in Thailand. He had kicked her out and she had no where to stay. I let her stay at my house and agreed to help collect her belongings from her boyfriends house the following day.
While driving her to his house, she noticed his car driving in front of us and asked me to accelerate. As we got beside his car she got his attention and indicated to him to pull over to the side of the road. He pulled into the breakdown lane and I pulled my car over and parked in front of him. She got out and went to his window and they began talking. He got out of the car and they both stood beside the car arguing. I was watching in my rear view mirror when I saw him grab her by the throat and pull his right fist back as if he was going to punch her in the face.
I jumped out my car and he saw me coming. He let her go and immediately jumped back into his car and locked his door. She went to the passenger side door to continue yelling at him. I spoke to him through his window. I had only asked him to calm down and explained that she only wanted her belongings from his house.
BANG!!
I didn’t know what happened but I was flying through the air and then landed face down on top of the steel roadside guardrail, then fell onto my back in the gutter. A Kenworth semitrailer was driving along and has seen us arguing and was watching us which caused him to drift off the road and into the breakdown lane. The front of his truck ripped the side of the guys car open from the rear guard up to the front door, The door folded back and struck me in the stomach, The bull bar of the truck hit me in the chest breaking 3 ribs and the impact threw me over the hood of the car and onto the guard rail. I ended up with a fractured left tibial plateau, 3 fractured left ribs, fractured left little finger, a compression fracture of my spine (T-3) and a ruptured L5-S1disk in my lower back, plus heaps of bruising and missing skin.
At the time of the accident I was running 10kmper night, 6 nights per week, weight training 6 days a week and I weighed 110kg. I have been on morphine since the accident and I can not exercise, I now weigh 180kg.
The most frustrating part for me is thinking if I had been normal and didn’t have a micro penis, I’d never have been with a prostitute. If I stayed out of her business and didn’t offer to help and let her stay at my house, I’d never have been in this accident. So I know exactly how you feel as I already felt cheated out of a normal life by having 2 brain tumors that caused hormone problems which caused me to grow “C” cup breasts and caused my micro penis. Sometime it just seems never ending.
The thing that really gets to me is the Doctors. They know all my problems, they know I am suicidal and the only bit of relief I get is from taking Oxycontin for my pain. But Oxycontin is now the worst thing in the world and I have to stop all pain relief and just use meditation and relaxation techniques to deal with my pain. I can not continue getting some relief for my pain because Opiates have side effects and we don’t want you to have any side effects.
Seriously, Doctors are supposed to weigh up the benefit to risk for all medications. Any side effects I may get from opiate use are nothing compared to what I am already living with and now being faced with the rest of my life with chronic untreated pain is just adding to my depression and suicidal, thoughts.
I do apologize for ranting on your post but I do hope you can get some comfort from knowing you are not alone.
30 comments
Not today. You sound like you may feel that way though. Care to share?
Yeah, I feel like that a lot. 🙁
Nope. All my problems are my own. Its my fault….
Yeah totally I never had a chance.
Yes, all the time. In so many ways. Jipped out of knowing what it’s like to be loved, be married, have a career, and be able to walk around freely & do things that a cripple like myself can’t do! 🙁
I grew up in abject poverty. Never had toys or games, or even a pair of shoes that didn’t have holes in them. Never had a childhood. Had to start working at the age of 7. Always so cold and hungry. Then I went to college. I was full of hope. I thought I could turn my life around. I worked so hard. Then I started getting sick at 17. It wasn’t too bad. Then ER visits at 23. Still don’t know what it is but I’m sure it was due to a life-long malnutrition and lack of proper care (medical, nutrition, physical and otherwise) from age 5-17.
But I was relatively okay and still able to fend for myself at least. Then at 28 some ass of a driver didn’t stop at a red light and basically fucked up my body and fucked up the rest of my life. Every day is painful. I have life-long chronic issues that’s never going to go away unless I die.
I’ve never had a chance in life. And I’m fucking pissed about that.
Gosh I’m sorry. That is really bad.
Thanks. At least having someone acknowledge that I actually do have it bad helps, instead of being ignored or being told “it’s all in my head.” -_-‘
Yeah. FML.
I don’t know what I can do other than be depressed. Normal, healthy people are always saying sh*t like “just think positive! just think about all the GOOD things in your life” blah blah crap. Just makes me MORE pissed off at everyone, because you know that means:
1- They don’t care enough to actually HELP
2- They think all you need to do is THINK happy and poof* my life is suddenly going to be magically better. And the reason why my life isn’t better is because I’m “not thinking positive” *face palm*
3- They blame you for being depressed, which then makes you MORE depressed because it’s not like we CHOOSE or WANT to be depressed.
4- They all just want you to shut up. Unless you want to talk about happy unicorns n’ shit.
Heck, I get this from other depressed people too. Like really? You think that all anyone needs to do is THINK positive and that their life is going to magically get better? I’m sorry but I’m going to need a healthy functioning body first.
Is there any way to slowly work towards a healthy functioning body? I know you said that you have a LOT of medical issues, and I’m not discounting them in any way. You have come a long way from your childhood. I totally admire you for that. I had a pretty poor childhood but no where near the scale you did. You got a college education, no mean feat given where you came from. I totally get where you are coming from though.
So is there any way to take baby steps? Not to flush everything you have achieved so far in your life? Because make no mistake you have achieved a lot even though you feel as if it is all ruined.
Not really. My health has taken a sharp nosedive this year. It had always been bad, but this year was BAD. Had multiple hand and feet injuries. And it’s not like you get injured and you bounce back. Each injury weakens me more and more. And limits my mobility more and more. And it’s not like what I have can be fixed. So I’m screwed.
I am poor, disabled, sick, and I have NO ONE to help me, so I’m stuck.
See, the ONLY reason I haven’t been able to kill myself is because of that fact that I DIDN’T when I was 7, and chose to live, and worked so damn hard, that to kill myself now after having worked so hard is that killing myself *now* would negate ALL the fucking hard work and effort I had put in all these fucking years.
So I don’t really want to die. But I don’t want to suffer anymore either. My entire life I’ve suffered. And I’m really fucking tired of suffering. And as long as I’m alive, as long as I have these physical problems, I will continue to suffer. :'(
I honestly wish I HAD offed myself when I was 7. That way, I wouldn’t have needlessly had to live through all the horrors I had to go through.
I’m ANGRY that life has been so shitty to me. What did I ever do to deserve such a horrific life? The things I had to endure all these years? It started when I was 7 so it’s not like I had a choice. I had always been a good person. Yet I see so many shitty evil people, many of whom I know well, who have everything and have great lives?
People always say shit like “so what, life’s not fair.” But it DOES mean something when the world is unjust.
Gosh I don’t have any reply to this except to say I am deeply sorry that life has been so unjust to you.
I have to say this (even if i missed this post due to real life bs)… honestly? i admire you for sticking for so long under those conditions. I know how dealing with physical issues than don’t go away (and increase over time) is, and even if mine aren’t anything near as difficult as yours, you’re right on when saying the “think positive” other people tend to give you is bs. I mean, if there was a choice to fix everything and you were refusing it, sure, but i’m pretty sure if there was that, you would have took it already.
That said, have you exhausted all options? i’ve seen pretty extremes conditions go undiagnosed properly for years (been there as well), and some are indeed, solvable when given a good diagnose. I have to try a couple more wild cards myself the next year, so… yeah, it was worth mentioning.
Mf is going to a Voodoo dr. next week, he’s taking my chicken that crows with him as a sacrifice. My neighbor thanks him dearly.
KIDDING!
Seriously though Bah, humor aside, Mf has a very good point. There may be something that hasn’t been tried yet, or you may even go into spontaneous remission. I’m not sure what your diagnosis is but there is always hope.
In all seriousness, that’s one of the last things in my list (if i can find one). I was actually befriending you so i could ask for one of your chickens.
But, seriously, yup, you never know. One of the things that help me deal with one of my chronic pains is doing the exact opposite than i’m supposed to do. So… maybe another approach is needed. Better to exhaust all options.
See I knew it wasn’t my sparkling personality Mf, it just had to be something I owned…curses that chicken that crows…
I’d argue that the chickens own you, but i’m just going to count my losses while i’m ahead, lol.
Ah crap, I typed up this long thing and I pressed the wrong button and poof* all gone. Bah!
Anyway, was saying don’t get me started on the whole dr thing. I’ve seen A TON of drs. Just very frustrating. At this point, I’d very much like a bionic body, or heck, trade this body for a new one, a healthy one. I had a great body. Sigh, I miss my old body before the accident and all that. ARGGH.
Yeah. I wish I had a healthy functioning body too. I had it taken away from me a month before turning 21.
Yes, we all want your chickens’ eggs!! haha
Actually, that’s a lot of work to feed the chickens and whatnot, and to wait however long till they finally start layin’ some. 😛
They are currently a bunch of resentful teenaged freeloaders. I’m hopeful in the next month though. The problem is that the other people I live with have this notion we need to hatch some more chickens from these eggs. FML
How long does it take for them to start laying eggs, in human years/months?
Aw dangit, now I’m hungry :/
It’s so hard on so many levels. One is obviously the physical shit I gotta deal with every day of my sad, suffering life. Then there’s the shit I get from other people. Both healthy and sick. Mainly from the healthy “normal” people who just don’t get it. Eh, I was gonna go more with this but realized that’s a lot of typing so gonna be lazy and not type all that. But I’m sure some of you get what I’m trying to say.
Sounds even sitter than my life, yet similar. I was 20, and a doctor wanted to cut a hole in my back to see the base of my spine. Tore the shit out of the lumbar region, fucked up my whole life. Yeah, I feel your pain. I’m truly sorry you never had decent shoes.
Life. Sucks. Life is shitty for some of us. It’s shitty what I had to go through my entire life and still going through. And shitty how that dr fucked up your life. WHY would he want to cut it up and see the spine in the first place? Wouldn’t an MRI show what he needed to see *without* cutting you up? The spine is like the most delicate part of your body.
I can absolutely relate to how you are feeling. It’s like that Gwyneth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors. If only you had been a few minutes later that day, the accident would never have happened and your already fucked life wouldn’t have become even more fucked up. My life has always been fucked but an accident made things even worse.
I was a pedestrian struck by a high speed semi trailer back in 1997, I was working as a Correctional Officer and I went to visit a prostitute. She broke down and told me she was being bashed by her boyfriend and he was taking all her money that she needed for her family back in Thailand. He had kicked her out and she had no where to stay. I let her stay at my house and agreed to help collect her belongings from her boyfriends house the following day.
While driving her to his house, she noticed his car driving in front of us and asked me to accelerate. As we got beside his car she got his attention and indicated to him to pull over to the side of the road. He pulled into the breakdown lane and I pulled my car over and parked in front of him. She got out and went to his window and they began talking. He got out of the car and they both stood beside the car arguing. I was watching in my rear view mirror when I saw him grab her by the throat and pull his right fist back as if he was going to punch her in the face.
I jumped out my car and he saw me coming. He let her go and immediately jumped back into his car and locked his door. She went to the passenger side door to continue yelling at him. I spoke to him through his window. I had only asked him to calm down and explained that she only wanted her belongings from his house.
BANG!!
I didn’t know what happened but I was flying through the air and then landed face down on top of the steel roadside guardrail, then fell onto my back in the gutter. A Kenworth semitrailer was driving along and has seen us arguing and was watching us which caused him to drift off the road and into the breakdown lane. The front of his truck ripped the side of the guys car open from the rear guard up to the front door, The door folded back and struck me in the stomach, The bull bar of the truck hit me in the chest breaking 3 ribs and the impact threw me over the hood of the car and onto the guard rail. I ended up with a fractured left tibial plateau, 3 fractured left ribs, fractured left little finger, a compression fracture of my spine (T-3) and a ruptured L5-S1disk in my lower back, plus heaps of bruising and missing skin.
At the time of the accident I was running 10kmper night, 6 nights per week, weight training 6 days a week and I weighed 110kg. I have been on morphine since the accident and I can not exercise, I now weigh 180kg.
The most frustrating part for me is thinking if I had been normal and didn’t have a micro penis, I’d never have been with a prostitute. If I stayed out of her business and didn’t offer to help and let her stay at my house, I’d never have been in this accident. So I know exactly how you feel as I already felt cheated out of a normal life by having 2 brain tumors that caused hormone problems which caused me to grow “C” cup breasts and caused my micro penis. Sometime it just seems never ending.
The thing that really gets to me is the Doctors. They know all my problems, they know I am suicidal and the only bit of relief I get is from taking Oxycontin for my pain. But Oxycontin is now the worst thing in the world and I have to stop all pain relief and just use meditation and relaxation techniques to deal with my pain. I can not continue getting some relief for my pain because Opiates have side effects and we don’t want you to have any side effects.
Seriously, Doctors are supposed to weigh up the benefit to risk for all medications. Any side effects I may get from opiate use are nothing compared to what I am already living with and now being faced with the rest of my life with chronic untreated pain is just adding to my depression and suicidal, thoughts.
I do apologize for ranting on your post but I do hope you can get some comfort from knowing you are not alone.
I don’t know what to say other than Life Sucks.