For the past couple of months I’ve been contemplating what my next move should be. “Should I try to fix my life, or should I say fuck it and end it?” I’m still not sure what the best choice is, they both have their pros and cons. I think I’ll attempt to fix it in the next coming months. I’ll try to get a GED and I’ll put all of my effort into it. If I manage to fail then I’m done. That’s it. I’m not giving myself more than one chance to fix everything. I’ve already wasted too much time being nothing. Even if I were to pass, I might end my life after despite. The reasoning being: what quality jobs can I get? Not any that I dreamed of. That’s for damn sure. I don’t really want any jobs in the customer service industry because I have no social skills but I don’t have the education, nor do I have the money for what I want. So it might be best to save myself the time and embarrassment. If I get to the point where I’m living on my own it doesn’t mean my life will automatically be better. In fact living could ultimately make my life even worse. If I were to get a GED, and live on my own at some shitty place, I would only be able to ever live on minimum wage jobs forever most likely. No internet, no cable, no new clothes, living on ramen noodles. That would probably be me. I don’t have a great relationship with my parents but at least, “at home” I’m “comfortable” in a sense. No, the answer isn’t to mooch off of my parents forever. At latest if all goes “well” with my plan A then I would stay home for two years whilst working and getting some kind of income before I move out at 18 or 19. My life will never be “fun”, and I’ll never be “happy” though. Living to me actually sounds pretty damn lonely. I am alone now despite living in a household with others, however, I’d be physically alone. I wouldn’t be a burden to my parents if I moved out though, but at the same time I could also stop myself from being a burden by ending my life. It’s a tough call.
2 comments
We’re in the same boat. I really hate the idea of mooching off of my mother in the future. One of my goals is to not end up in that situation. That begins with getting a good education for me. Like you, I am stuck in the conflict of those two options. I don’t want to be quick to give up, knowing that a human life has much to offer, but things are really pushing me to the edge as well. Unfortunately, I can’t provide any answers or suggest solutions, since I have no idea how to go about helping myself either. I can only hope for the best for you and that the situation will find a way to turn itself around.
I’m guessing giving it a few years to have a better appreciation of the situation might be a good idea. At the age you’re at (i’m guessing somewhere along 15-17?) nothing is certain, and sure, the future can be bleak if you have no certainty of what might happen. That said, you never know if you are going to find good opportunities in the future. Plus, priorities do change a lot when you grow up, maybe in a couple of years you’ll want something completely different than what you want now.