Hey guys.I want to say that I am going to kill myself. The main reason is that I once was a Christian and after I’ve grown up I understood there is no god and after we die we cease to exist. I suffered from depression, despair and stuff. I want to kill myself because everything I believed and experienced was a lie. The thing is, you never asked to be born..you were just born. It is like giving someone a food he hates and opening his mouth with force for puting it in. Some have a incredible desire for continuing their lives, I don’t . If you want something in your life you have to pursuit it, nobody will give you anything. I don’t have reasons to live, I just want to go into that nothingness I came from. Once you saw and realized some things there is no turning back. I am sure that everyone will judge me and say that I am a loser and some of you will say that you can go on, you have reasons to live but it is too late right now . Nothing really matters.
On 26th it’s my birthday. I am going to turn 20. I have grown up and I need to think about what I am going to do with my life. And what I am thinking is ending it . I need to focus at work and give my best so I can get my next salary and buy that gun. I don’t care anymore. The thing is that after I blow my brains , in that state I am going to feel nothing, it is the only thing that comforts me.
Life is not the same for all of us people, some are sensitive, some are cold, everyone is different and have different toughts. I am writing this stuff here because you guys are the only ones that can understand. And I think that at least one from you thinks the same shit I think. If I could get the gun, I would do it on my birthday. I hope some of you may find some enjoyment/peace in this life.
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@Costy: The evening outside my window is black velvet. It is misty and what small noises I hear are muffled, like they are wrapped in felt. It makes me so sad you want to leave this earth. I wish I could give you the gift to hear the muffled noises outside me window. It is a reason to live another day. Or maybe I could just describe to you this:
Three weeks ago I was at a creek that was almost dry. There were muddy puddles and in them were these emerald frogs. They were tiny, one would fit happily on the end of my pinky finger. They had white bellies and were cool and smooth to the touch. I sat on the creek with a metal bucket that I put frogs in that I caught. Seven of these little tiny emerald frogs looked up at me. I looked back down on them thinking “you may not live to see next week, this creek will be dry and you will most likely be dead, you sit there looking up at me and have no knowledge of your own imminent demise. After thinking this I dumped the bucket back into the creek.
What is beautiful about being human Costy is that in many ways we are the emerald frogs in my metal bucket. We don’t know next week we most likely be dead. Because of this we should just live and breath and swim. It makes me so sad that you want to end it. I wish I could have brought you to see the frogs.
Hugs
Thank you for replying. But the only tought I have in mind is ending it. I don’t wanna see any frog. There is no joy in this life for me. I know that I will be judged by anyone who sees beauty in this world but I don’t care anymore. Need to focus on getting a gun .
I would never judge you Costy, and only wish you find the peace you so desire.
By the way I don’t have a gun, if I did I would have put it in my mouth last Friday.
So to recap: No Gun, There are emerald frogs living in a creek by my house.
I always wanted to become a footballer. When I’ll do it I will get some football boots , a kit and a ball. I am going to die with the thing that I wanted the most. At least in death I will be a footballer..
I know absolutely nothing about football (European). What is a kit?
https://www.google.ro/search?hl=ro&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1280&bih=887&q=football+kits&oq=football+kit&gs_l=img.3.0.0i19l10.1170.4171.0.5440.12.9.0.3.3.0.87.742.9.9.0….0…1ac.1.64.img..0.12.755.jHTj6_lNu0g#imgrc=PsZilEgqnAyJdM%3A
Ah nice and colorful. It is an entire coordinated outfit. Now I understand. That is an excellent time frame. Here is something to chew on, if you become a footballer do you think you will still want to kill yourself?